Yesterday in downtown Stockton California in the good old U.S. of A., a gathering of some of the best gurgitators on the face of the planet, gathered together for the much awaited, World Deep-Fried Asparagus Eating Championship. Although the number of entrants were a bit thin on the ground, the quality of the field turned out to the cream of the crop. The Muhammad Ali of the great chow down, Joey “Jaws” Chestnut was the undoubted star attraction. He was a man on a mission. For reasons this humble scribe couldn’t unearth, Joey came to the competition table as a mere challenger. He’d worked the house down in training and had gone on record as stating that he was there to reclaim a title he once held. A man famous for pouring gallons of water down his gullet to stretch his food bag, he meant business. Then the gun went off, setting in train an ugly scene, the likes of wish should be kept from the view of little children, for fear of instilling nightmares in them. As the pounds of asparagus spears where rammed down the throats of the competitors, the field rapidly began to fall away. Joey “Jaws” was tearing the heart out of his opposition. He quickly put a large space between struggling chasers and himself. The World Ranked number 1 chow hound, hit the finish line with eight and a half pounds of vegetable crammed into his stomach, winning his fifth World Asparagus Title in six years. A rookie from Twin Peaks, Ben Monson, managed to pull off a stunning second by defeating the World Number 2 Pat Bertoletti of Chicago to the runner up spot. I have to say folks, that I sit before my keyboard with a large lump in my throat, and it’s not from asparagus, but from admiration. Is there anything more humbling than to witness a living legend performing at his or her peak? You can keep you Wimbledon, FA Cup, Epsom Derby and bog snorkelling. When it comes to sport at it’s best, one simply can’t go past top class gobbling.
Is this for real or is this one of those exercises where you put your dream down in words so your psychiatrist can get a better insight into the machinations of your brain?
I've never understood the appeal of these competitive eating competitions. You must feel rotten afterwards, and your stomach probably takes days to recover. At the end of the day, you've achieved nothing. Even the winner is a loser.
It's certainly true ST, I realise that it looks like bullshit, but I assure you that it's the real deal. There are some things that the US do well, and this type of rubbish is right up their alley. As for just letting my imagination let rip, I quite enjoy it. http://www.asparagusfest.com/eating-competition/index.html
It's fame Squiggler. Joey "Jaws" Chestnut and Takeru "the Tsunami" Kobayashi make bugger all in the comps, but they make a packet in endorsements.
I actually saw a sign for deep fried creme eggs in a chip shop in Edinburgh a few years back. The thought of eating a creme egg is bad enough but covered in fat-soaked batter?
What’s with all this hostility towards Creme Eggs? Those things are magic. Back the hell off. Cyclonic, hello. How are you doing? I quite like these kind of competitions and see them as being no more (or less) pointless than archery, javelin throwing or football, say. Most of the best things in life are utterly pointless (art, music, anal sex etc) and it is their very pointlessness that makes them all the sweeter. We do them because we can, nothing more. What better way to laugh in the face of our own crushing insignificance? I wouldn’t pay to watch an asparagus-inhaling festival, however, as that would seem like a step too far. Whereas with art, music......
