A man walks into a bar with his dog. The dog then proceeds to **** on the floor, which is stepped in by a second man who walks into the bar. A third man walks in and also steps in the **** The second man says "I just did that". Third man thumps him, and says "you dirty ****!"
Guy is standing next to the river, fishing rod in hand shouting at the river bank He was Coarse fishing!
Crimewatch have released their first book, it has the 50 most wanted criminals in Britain in it. It's called "50 shades of black"
'Big black dude rapes skinny Eastern European chick' Pretty much describes my favourite type of porn. And the Women's Wimbledon Final.
I went canoing the other day, it was freezing, so I put in some electric fires. Got back in and it sank! Well, you can't have yer kayak and heat it!
So an 11 year old boy was found alone on a plane headed for Rome. Not a big deal. The pope probably just ordered some take-away.
Went to check into my hotel but walked out ... loads of chess champions talking about the titles they have won in the reception! Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer!
Two buns are baking in an oven. First bun says: "Man...it's HOT in here!" Second bun says: "AAAAARGHH!! A TALKIN' BUN!!"
Guy goes to the doctor with an embarrasing problem. "What's yer beef?" asks the Doc. "I've got one testicle that's bigger than the other and it's a little embarrasing" says the guy. "Och, that's normal" says the doc, "most men have one testicle bigger than the other and it's no problem at all." "Aye", says the guy, "but mine is a bit extreme and I think you'll laugh." "I'm a medical professional" says the doc, "I've seen loads of baws - I promise I won't laugh." The guy has a bit of a gulp to himself and then drops this MAHOOOSIVE bollock on the table - the impact on the desk makes the whole room shake. The doc starts pishing himself laughing. "See, see" says the guy, "I told you that you would laugh". The doc composes himself and says "I know I said I wouldn't laugh but, to be honest, I wasn't prepared for the problem to be so extensive - I'm calm now, we can talk about this like grown-ups." "Away n shite" says the guy, "If yer gonna behave like that I'm no even gonnae show ye the big wan."
A boss asks a bloke why he was late for work. I had a breakdown, he says. Engine trouble? asks the boss. Naw, he says. I just started greeting and didn't know why.
A guy goes up to the pie stall in Ibrox in the nineties and addresses the wee lassie thusly: "I'm sick o aw these branded things - Coisty Crisps and Derek Johnstone pies and the like - huv ye no got something with just a normal name for an honest working man at the fitba'?" "How aboot a wee Boli soup?"
A man walks into a fishmongers' with a massive condom slung over his shoulder. 'A pounda fillet,' he says. 'A pound you don't,' replies the fishmonger.
A guy is walking down the road with a bucket full of fannies when he sees a woman having a crafty *** outside her work. "Awrite missus, d'ye want yer hole?" asks the forthright gent. "Naw, yer awrite" says crafty *** wummin. "Cushty" says the guy, "stick it in this bucket wi' the rest of them, then."
