Although never posting before I have had a compelling urge to write an article regarding the multiculture of our now unified Great Britain team, or lack of it! Whilst we may have a mixture of both British white players & British black players there is a distinct lack of any other culture within this team. So what is really needed to put the GREAT into this British team? I will now give a break down of what I believe could well be the answer to creating a truely unique & most probably unstopable multicultural team GB that will be the pride of our nation & fear of all others in years to come! GOALKEEPER Big and strong yet agile as a cat, this man can make even the most clinical of finishers flinch at the crucial moment. As adopted by Joe Hart in the Euro's, the British Maouri can stick out his tongue in a way that can send a wave of nerve shattering fear at the oppositions attack. Although it had sod all effect against the Italians during penalties, done in the manor that only the British Maouri can pull off, a shot destined for the back of the net suddenly veers off into the top row to the despair of the opposing striker. Every team needs a solid pair of hands but the British Maouri throws a solid tongue into the mix creating the most impassible brick wall of a keeper ever known! DEFENCE When it comes to defence you need a man hardened in a way that could send even the toughest of opponents to their knees crying out for reprieve. A man who can shrug off the harshest elements of the earth like British Gas shrugs off frozen to death OAP's during the winter. Think that polar bear scares me? No chance! Fancy a dodge up Chester Road for some fish & chips from Merrils? Whats the point when I can catch a whale! He's lived in a house of ice, he's made of ice! The British Eskimo doesn't melt away from no man. Whilst the British Eskimo offers the steel needed for a good defence, a man is also needed who shows no fear even in the face of death itself. A discipline unequalled bar none, a man who would travel to the seventh circle of hell & back rather than fail at his given task. From the land of the rising sun to the land where the sun doesn't bother to turn up, the British Japanese is a man who laughs at fear, throwing himself into tackles with no heed in an explosion of reckless abandondment. Think you can dribble that ball past me? My honour says otherwise! The British Japanese always gets his win bonus! If the day comes that he is somehow defeated he does the honourable thing & chops both feet off & lives as a hermit in a cave until the end of his days. MIDFIELD When it comes to the centre of the park you need a man that can carry out a number of roles with equal efficiency, a man versitle enough to fit square pegs into round holes. Strong yet gentle at the same time, calm yet deadly, a man who can run upon water as easily as he runs upon the turf. With legs so fast & supple he can dribble a ball & give off the optical illusion that he has multiple legs that wave around him in an arc, the British Chinaman is the all-in-one master of the midfield. Opponents using the long ball technique? Not with the British Chinaman in the team, he may only be 4'3" but the British Chinaman can leap upto 40 foot in the air whilst burdened with 5 stone weights strapped to both ankles! Not only can he move lightning quick, leap like a cat & speak in unfathomable riddles he can give out waves of positive Chi energy to boost the morale of his team players. As suitable in a situation needing guile as he is as suitable to have by your side when surrounded by a gang of charvers in the middle of Pennywell, the British Chinaman is an absolute must to the GB football team. As much as the British Chinaman offers to the midfield it can be made even more potent by adding another specialist culture to the mix. To know what the other team are thinking, to anticipate the movements of opposing players & track the routes of the target is a job only one kind of man can do with the utmost of efficiency. With the ability to pick up even the slightest of vibrations whilst his ear is placed on the pitch the British Aborigine can tell the movements of everyman on the pitch! He can send pin-point passes even from his teams own box to the far end of the field well before even the targeted player even knows himself he is going to arrive there! With an uncanny knack to read the game the British Aborigine can anticipate the movements of players even before the game has kicked off. As well as this he even has the power to disorientate opposition by sending waves of sound towards them with a special instrument know as the didjeridu! This coupled with the fact that his kit consists of only a loincloth displaying the team GB badge can send the opoosition into deleria. ATTACK When it comes to finding the back of the net you need a man who knows how to pull the trigger. A man who can cut through a defence with a lighning pace as fast as a bullet, a man who can shoot no matter who is infront of him. With the ability to take off into the air like he's been launched from a cannon even though the accused defender is 12 yards away & still gain a penalty the British African is the most potent of attacking forces in any team! An expert in dramatics, he can act better than any oscar winning superstar to gain the favour of the referee in even the most unlikely of situations. With the power to unload his deadly arsenal like a modified handgun into the net when clear on goal or somersault through the air from the slightest of touches when forced wide and land on his knees, staring at the ref in disbelief, the British African is trickiest of attackers to deal with. A quiet spell can suddenly & unexpectadely change into an arm waving, foot stamping tantrum well beyond the bounds of even a drunken bird in Hendon on a Saturday night. Shooting without mercy & as contraversial as this artile the British African is a must upfront for team GB. THE CAPTAIN (ANY POSITION) Possibly the hardest role for any man on the pitch. A role that needs a man with unshakeable belief in the cause, a man who will be in the minds of every player, fan & manager alike. A man who can carry out a series of what most would see as unbelievable actions & still come out with a pat on the back from everyone. With the ability to generate an argument in an empty room & distill unrest amongst the opposing team the British Pakistani is the master of mind games needed for the psychological edge in any competitive enviroment. An uncanny knack to generate a wave of support for even the slightest thing, the British Pakistani can rally the team & fans into a state of banner waving, mouth foaming, shirt burning frenzy. Kevin Keegan's hissy fit over the Leeds team performance comments of Alex Ferguson?! Childs play. In the papers & on the news all day, every day, a must for the team GB's captaincy. THE ACE UP THE SLEEVE Having made a 4.365 light year journey (over 25 trillion miles) before crash landing 3 miles of the coast of Seaburn beach in a 20 foot long silver disc shaped craft this hermaphrodite being was taken by immigration officers for questioning. After a ten minute interview in the Pullman Lodge it was discovered this strange being could only speak four words of English. The delightful phrase of "death to all earthlings" soon had the immigration officers bowled over with affection, so under new intergallactic species rights laws he/she was given immediate British Citizenship. A five bedroomed house at Tunstall with ensuite bathrooms, £3,000 per month benefits & food vouchers was allocated to The British Alpha Centurai Nebulon, as he/she has came to be know. Although 2 of 4 of the British Alpha Centurai Nebulons legs were broken in the crash he/she has since constructed a hover chair (alien equivallent of a wheel chair). Interaction with both men & women have shown sexual interest in both sexes as can be seen from the sudden hardening of the head tentacles & liquid dripping from the holes found located in the upper forearms. With an appeal to both men & women, the disabled, gay & intergallactic community the British Alpha Centurai Nebulon could well be the ace up the sleeve of team GB. With the two working legs being able to kick a ball at over 150 mph & the hover chair reaching 0 to 60 mph within 0.5 seconds, not to mention the power of telekenesis, the British Alpha Centurai Nebulon is a must for team GB! THE MANAGER My first thought for manager of team GB was myself, as a British-British man with the ability to be able to take a complete mess, paper over the cracks & make it appear to the masses as everything is fine & dandy it would not seem completely out of the question. However, in this day & age being plain British just ins't very British. To complete the mix that is needed to give our great team a true feeling of diversity that is the bedrock of strength we need one last ingredient. A midget. Yes, a midget (any race or religion). This is the final catalyst needed to really get team GB fired up, an endless uphill battle with the smallest of steps at a time has given this man the strength of mind & will to conquer all obstacles. Everyday things like switching on a light, standing at the toilet to have a slash or ringing a doorbell are to this man a battle. A man you never see in the dole queue, he can take his predicament & turn it into a low budget german porny, a job at the circus, a part in Willow or the Time Bandits. This is the man who can really be the leader of a team with such great potential! A diverse & strong, truely unstoppable formulae. Go team GB!
I couldn't get passed the 'Team GB' ****..I mean how American is that!! It's bloody great Britain for Chtist's sake.. PS..That is not the OP's fault by the way, and is probably down to that ponsifed prick Seb Coe et al...
How dare you, he won two races once, everyone knows that means you can walk on water. No one bad mouths a guy who can win two races. He's a clear bet for next prime minister.
