Toon Rival Watch...

So I saw this whilst merrily board(/bored) hopping, and liked the idea. Essentially, we talk about the other clubs behind their backs, maybe have some coffee, share some laughs, possibly have a few bro-hugs, potentially engage in foreplay and ultimately get down to some serious worrying about what our manager and chairman can't control... Excluding black-holes, Jordan's rampant vagina (which like the former exclusion, may one day be described as "the epicenter of the destruction of mankind" by alien archaeologists), terrorism, religion, Steven Hawking's slow and sad demise, Dictator's cloning themselves, Suarez looking like a rat etc etc...

We all know we finished 5th last season, and that it would be an unbelievable achievement to finish there again next season, even without a run in Europe or domestic cups... However, I have decided to concentrate my "research" into clubs we may be battling with next season based on that 5th, through improving teams and ones getting worse!

Spurs: They have added a quality centre back in Vertonghen(on FM and Fifa at least ), and Swansea loan sensation Gylfie Sigurdsson, but have lost Ledley and will lose Modric seemingly, as well as a host of the short-term players they had as cover last season. They are currently in negotiations with Adebayor, whose apparent ludicrous wage demands may prevent the signing taking place.

Other than that, they are rumoured to be in for Willian, goalkeeper Lloris and maybe Joe Allen. This will potentially change if they get a big fat £40 million for Luca. Overall, I think they are probably beyond us, but they do look lightweight at the moment in a couple of areas (GK, CB and strikers). It depends on who Andre brings in, and whether he himself can cut it at Spurs.

Chelsea: They have signed Oscar, Eden Hazard, the other Hazards... basically all types of Arsss.... As well as Marin. Looking at Moses at present according to RDM, so whatever formation they have next season it will be substantially different in proposition from any other Chelsea set-up.

They are also rumoured to be interested in Debuchy (why I orta! ), Hulk and a variety of other Brazillians. Overall I believe they will either gel and be premier league challenges, or come tumbling down, RDM will get sacked because the players are sulking, and they'll start appointing the best managers and sacking them again. Still think they will finish above us.

Everton: Perennial over-achievers have signed Naismith (in contention) so far, but more important are their losses. Cahill is set to go, and so far the rumours have been more about Heitinga possibly leaving for Fenerbache or Fellaini leaving for a top club etc. We know Moyes is a shrewd transfer-market operator, and the fact they have not qualified for Europe means they have only the league positions to really go for (barring a cup-run), so it might be tight between us next year if they hang on to better players and bring in decent footballers once again. Overall, I think if we get a good start, we should finish above them.

Liverpool: Rodgers may not appreciate Carroll, but he knows talent and Borini is certainly that. If BR can get Aqua playing in his shape next year, he may be like a new signing for them. Apart from that, it seems like they are hellbent like a rabid badger on squelching on the deal Brendon made about signing old players, and Allen is in their sights. Carroll has, so far, been the strongest candidate to leave.

Rumour wise, Liverpool have been very focused on Allen according to the papers and media, but they have their eyes on Wolves De Vries (keeper) according to SSN (which is good because their back-ups are terrible). Overall, it seems like Brendon wants to cut down on the unnecessary spending, and will be as careful as possible with his transfers. Furthermore, if they adapt to his system, it could be that we don't sniff them all year... But at present it's almost as likely they could become mid-table also-rans.


Fulham: While our baine of the last season, Clint Dempsey, may be wanting a move, Fulham have snapped up the woefully inconsistent Rodallega and Diarra from Monaco on frees. They've let the likes of Pogrebnyak (contract issues) and Johnson (being **** issues) go for free.

They've been rumoured to want Reo-Coker, Andy Carroll, Jordan Rhodes, Yannick Sagbo, and Douglas from FC Twente. They have soooo many strikers, I doubt the rumours about further strikers are true, because they clearly need better defenders if anything.
Overall, I see them as a bit of a threat. Jol is a wise-cookie and Fulham are traditionally very good at Craven Cottage (), but if we can keep our league form steady we should finish in front.

Sunderland: Brought in Cuellar, that's it so far. They have let Turner and other overrated and overpaid players leave (like Gyan), and Martin is seemingly concentrating on youth. They finished 13th last season, which may be reason enough not to include them, but they are re-building with serious recent investment and have the potential to pay for players like Cisse. It's worth keeping an eye on them under Martin's stewardship.

Rumoured to be interested in signing Llorente (then again, not many teams wouldn't be), and experienced CB like Collins, yet Martin's lust for British direct pace may lure him to Blackpool, among other stops. Phillips and Ince would fit in with his philosophy, and O'Neill is the man to make any outfit put out that extra 5%. Overall, I think we will finish above them regardless of European/cup runs, but we'll see what they do in the rest of the window. They are most light upfront at present.

 

There's been 7 manager changes so far this closed season it's hard to predict how well some clubs will react to this.

Chelsea will be challenging for the title and my tip for 2nd, as for Spurs they'll miss out on CL again finishing 5th. Arsenal should be strong enough to get 3rd and Liverpool have enough quality to stay in touch in the top 7 without setting the league on fire. Everton will grind out their results as always. I'm going for a comfortable 8th placed finished for us and a decent punt at the cups too, a semi-final is on the cards, I can feel it!!

 

As you say lot's of Managerial changes so far, and as we know this has a massive impact on a club, worse still, if they're not popular with fans.

Still a lot of activity to happen in the transfer market, I would expected Arsenal to be much improved, Wilshere should return, and massive youth potential emerging into the first team, but there's the uncertainty of Van Persie.

Spurs, I believe will do well, even if they do lose Modric, his behaviour last season would have been unsettling, as well as all the baggage Redknap's personal saga inflicted on the club, so I expect better things from Spurs.

Chelsea, too many old boys, Drogba gone, and De Mateo, although I like him, he's hanging by a thread, a couple of bad performances and it will be Chelsea looking for yet another manager.

Not sure at all about Liverpool, definitely a wait and see situation for me, I think the recent drama over Carroll is giving out mixed signals, is there a place for him or not?

 

West ham are an awful club and pay silly wages when they don't have the income to support it.
They have a fat bellend/walrus managing their team and a pair of seedy porn peddlars owning the club.
Basically they're just a bag of misfits and vagabonds and I hope they get relegated... but only after we hammer them twice.

 

says him with Karen Gillan in PVC in his avatar

 

I was bored last night and watched the second half of the Liverpool- Roma and the Chelsea-All stars games.

Chelsea
Same problem as last year the old guys are still holding the team together and now without Drogba. Lukaku and Hazard haven't blended into the team yet, Hazard did have a couple of moments but nothing special will be interesting to see if he can get onto the same wave length as Torres.

Liverpool
The BR transformation has defiantly begun in a strange miss-mash way. pass-pass-pass-lob seamed to be the outcome with Adams and Agger two of the biggest culprits of the lob. While it was a very youthful team the tendency to drift into space instead of supporting the man with the ball when going forward is still evident. With their first competitive match in just 7 days I'm not sure if the BR way will be ready in time.

 

I don't think Fulham or Sunderland will be that much of a threat to us next season tbh.

If Fulham lose Dempsey then I don't see them finishing higher than 10th.

I think Sunderland could maybe challenge in the top 10, but I still don't see them as much of a threat.

 

I see the two Manchesters and Chelsea as our rivals next season................................

 

What about Arsenal

 

You win nothing with kids...................

(my very own hansen moment)

 

Man City will be fighting Chelsea for 1st, Man U will be third as they are losing quality and havent really done anything about it (Kagawa aside(I also fail to recognise Tom Cleverly as a constantly decent player)) and 4th is open to 4/5 teams (depending on Everton and their famously slow starts to the league).

 

I see that I look positively Mr Tiote-like in comparison with some of you, you funny gits! Oh well deluded (and amusing) ones, let us look at those we might (but definitely won't) catch...

Manchester City: Bristling with prime weaponry like Schwarzenegger on heat, Man City are bound to pull the trigger on some explodable scenery soon and set the transfer market on fire once more, but undoubtedly are most intent on hacking off the fringes at present. Roque Santa Cruz and a raft of wasted midfield talent will surely be disposed of and dispersed amongst the lower tiers of English or European football, while Adebayor may be off to Spurs as mentioned above.

They are rumoured to be in for Van Persie, Danielle De Rossi, Sneijder and Skertel, so it seems we'll be seeing even more talent in light blue on MOTD next year. Overall they will be up there, even if only half of them turn up every week... If we finished above them, I'd allow Pardew the privileges of Coloccini... My girlfriend would surely come around to the idea, being a massive Toon fan too!

Manchester United: Everyone was pretty much in consensus that last year was one of the poorest Man Utd squads in recent years, and that Fergie once again proved why he'd merit the hall of fame numero uno spot for some time by challenging for the title. They've added playmaker Kagawa to bolster the sparse CM options, but young Paul Scholes won't be able to eviscerate his skin on the golf course until further quality arrives in this area. They've also added young hotshot Powell from Crewe, but they're preparing for the exit of Berbatov, so they'll be hoping their own deal for Van Persie deal comes off.

They are also rumoured to be in for Moura (great, so if them and Chelsea horde all the wingers, they can directly out pace out of us all... mwahahahahahahaha....), but Man Utd supporters clamor for a better right full-back and possibly a commanding CB who can stay fit for more than 6 seconds! Overall, if Fergie falls out of his stena stairlift and the bacon falls off his face, we'd not be so bad in comparison, but otherwise they're a machine!

Arsenal: Arsenal signed Podolski and Giroud, queue fans about to orgasm... Van Persie rejects contract offers, queue Arsenal fans about to start another North London riot... If they do get £20 million + for an injury prone squarehead with one year left on the contract, they should renew chipping out that "Lord Arse" statue out of the limpest material possible (it would be the best testament), and sign a centre midfielder like Sneijder (probably not) or M'Villa to cover more of the crater Fabregas left, or else a defender who has more pace and a brain than Mertsy. Personally I think their goalkeeper is no improvement on previous incumbents, but they seem taken with them so I'll bow to their superior (and more expensive) silent voices.

Overall, if they lose Van Persie and the new lads misfire, we could conceivably compete with them, such was their reliance of Robin's goals last year. I still think they have too much on us, but we do appear to be getting much closer to them than anyone else. Another draw at St James', anyone?

 

I haven't read this but no doubt we're all gonig to die from an alien invasion right? You negative bastard

 

How did you know?

You forgot Newcastle being relegated, even though all the other teams spent the matches running away from the death-rays...

 

Podolski

 

Have you ever heard of the phrase "tongue in cheek"? Just to clarify in case anyone else is unaware, I don't really think Citeh, Red Devils and Chelski are our rivals. I know they are (that was another joke Clubin just for you)

 

Thanks

 

Your positive nature digusts me... We're doomed a tells ya!

<Something generic about Aliens, and humans being ****, til fade>...

 

Will we die

 

Depends if the Aliens want sacrifices, or cooks... Sick of intergalactic regurgitation, apparently...

<repeat some depressing sadness of existence and note the futility of it all, switch on Loose-women and tug the joy back into my meaningless life>