Tamerlo: Yes, those Michelobs go down well; my favourite water over there. Relative to your story, always be careful of lady bar-owners. Once worked on Med. offshore job in Spain, based just south of Taragona. Just before this project the company had drilled a land Well northwest of Barcelona in the Pyranees. My boss, who I will just call Tom, had visited the rig to check how things were coming along, and was now enjoying a nice few drinks in a really cozy little bar in the small town near the well site. Tom was getting along just famously with the heavily-perfumed and voluptuous lady bar-owner, and the more he had to drink the more friendly things became in the dimly-lit hostelry. When eventually his colleague and rig supervisor (Bill) managed to drag him out of the place to have him driven back to Barcelona, Tom vigorously complained and said he really fancied his chances and that Bill had spoiled his fun. "Tom", said Bill quietly, "I just saved your ass, that was a fellah you were making-out with".... Tom retreated silently to his car and driver, and returned to Barcelona, not before telling his colleague not to breathe a word about it to anyone, or else!
A young Portsmouth woman was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the sea but, just before she could throw herself from the wharf, a handsome young man stopped her. "You have so much to live for," said the man. "I'm a sailor, and we are off to Australia tomorrow. I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take care of you, bring you food every day, and keep you happy." With nothing to lose, combined with the fact that she had always wanted to go to Australia , the woman accepted. That night the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a small but comfortable compartment in the hold. From then on, every night he would bring her three sandwiches, a bottle of red wine, and make love to her until dawn. Two weeks later she was discovered by the captain during a routine inspection. "What are you doing here?" asked the captain. "I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she replied. "He brings me food and I get a free trip to Australia" "I see," the captain says. Her conscience got the best of her and she added, "Plus, he's screwing me." "He certainly is," replied the captain. "This is the Isle of Wight Ferry."
Oddy: Remember a very similar but more simplistic version of this years ago, but it was the New Brighton ferry across the Mersey. This 'sailor' really gets around!
Greatest Dishwasher Commercial Advertisement for Siemens dishwasher ...... http://www.m2film.dk/fleggaard/trailer2.swf
No that isn't the best dishwasher commercial ever; it's the best commercial ever. Must pass that on to my Wycombe forum.
Dear Mr. Cameron, Please find below our suggestion for fixing the UK 's economy. Instead of giving billions of pounds to banks that will squander the money on lavish parties and unearned bonuses, use the following plan. You can call it the Patriotic Retirement Plan: There are about 10 million people over 50 in the work force. Pay them 1 million each severance for early retirement with the following stipulations: 1) They MUST retire. Ten million job openings - unemployment fixed 2) They MUST buy a new British car. Ten million cars ordered - Car Industry fixed 3) They MUST either buy a house or pay off their mortgage - Housing Crisis fixed 4) They MUST send their kids to school/college/university - Crime rate fixed 5) They MUST buy 100 WORTH of alcohol/tobacco a week ..... And there's your money back in duty/tax etc It can't get any easier than that! P.S. If more money is needed, have all members of parliament pay back their falsely claimed expenses and second home allowances If you think this would work, please forward to everyone you know. Also……….. Let's put the pensioners in jail and the criminals in a nursing home. This way the pensioners would have access to showers, hobbies and walks. They'd receive unlimited free prescriptions, dental and medical treatment, wheel chairs etc and they'd receive money instead of paying it out. They would have constant video monitoring, so they could be helped instantly, if they fell, or needed assistance. Bedding would be washed twice a week, and all clothing would be ironed and returned to them. A guard would check on them every 20 minutes and bring their meals and snacks to their cell. They would have family visits in a suite built for that purpose. They would have access to a library, weight room, spiritual counselling, pool and education. Simple clothing, shoes, slippers, PJ's and legal aid would be free, on request. Private, secure rooms for all, with an exercise outdoor yard, with gardens. Each senior could have a PC a TV radio and daily phone calls. There would be a board of directors to hear complaints, and the guards would have a code of conduct that would be strictly adhered to. The criminals would get cold food, be left all alone and unsupervised. Lights off at 8pm, and showers once a week. Live in a tiny room and pay 600.00 per week and have no hope of ever getting out. Think about this (more points of contention): COWS Is it just me, or does anyone else find it amazing that during the mad cow epidemic our government could track a single cow, born in Appleby almost three years ago, right to the stall where she slept in the county of Cumbria? And, they even tracked her calves to their stalls. But they are unable to locate 125,000 illegal immigrants wandering around our country. Maybe we should give each of them a cow.
A man goes to see his local Doctor. "Doctor" he says. "I think i have a sex problem" The Doctor thinks for a moment and says, "you are going to have to stop masturbating" "why?" says the man "Because" says the doctor, "I'm trying to examine you"
Two 80 year old men, Mike and Joe, have been friends all of their lives. When it's clear that Joe is dying, Mike visits him every day. One day Mike says, "Joe, we both loved football all our lives, and we played football on Sundays together for so many years. Please do me one favour, when you get to Heaven, somehow you must let me know if there's football there." Joe looks up at Mike from his death bed," Mike, you've been my best friend for many years. If it's at all possible, I'll do this favour for you. Shortly after that, Joe passes on. At midnight a couple of nights later, Mike is awakened from a sound sleep by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calling out to him, "Mike--Mike." "Who is it? Asks Mike sitting up suddenly. "Who is it?" "Mike--it's me, Joe." "You're not Joe. Joe just died." "I'm telling you, it's me, Joe," insists the voice." "Joe! Where are you?" "In heaven", replies Joe.. "I have some really good news and a little bad news." "Tell me the good news first ," says Mike. "The good news," Joe says," is that there's football in heaven. Better yet, all of our old friends who died before us are here, too. Better than that, we're all young again. Better still, it's always spring time and it never rains or snows. And best of all, we can play football all we want, and we never get tired." That's fantastic," says Mike. "It's beyond my wildest dreams! So what's the bad news? "You're in the team for this Saturday."
I just enquired to see if I was in the squad (hoping to discover that I'm not expected to be turning out this season) but I've been told they haven't even signed me up. Apparently someone from a lower league has me on their books. please log in to view this image
Just booked a table for Valentine’s Day for me and the wife. Bound to end in tears though - she's useless at snooker. Met a beautiful girl down at the park today. Sparks flew, she fell at my feet and we ended up having sex there and then. God, I love my new Taser! Got a new Jack Russell pup today, he's mainly black and brown with just a small white area so I've called him Bradford. If you get an email telling you that you can catch Swine Flu from tins of ham then delete it. It’s Spam. They say that sex is the best form of exercise. Now correct me if I'm wrong but I don't think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is going to shift this beer belly. When I was a kid people used to cover me in chocolate and cream and put a cherry on my head. Yeah, life was tough in the gateau. The local deli ran out of milk again due to the freezing weather, fortunately, my elderly neighbour Ethel has plenty stacked up on her doorstep. - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - News flashes: 1. Now on sale at IKEA – beds for lesbians: no nuts or screwing involved, it’s all tongue and groove. 2. A Muslim has been shot with a starting pistol; police say it’s definitely race related. 3. Due to a water shortage in Ireland, Dublin swimming baths have announced they are closing lanes 7 and 8. 4. I got a letter from Screw Fix Direct thanking me for my interest, but explaining they were not a dating agency. 5. The lead actor in the local pantomime production of Aladdin was anally raped by the gay genie on stage last night - to be fair the audience did try to warn him. - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Blonde wife texts husband on a cold winter's morning: "Windows frozen." Husband texts back: "Pour some luke warm water over it." Wife texts back: "Computer really buggered now.”
