This was originally shown on BBC TV back in the seventies. Ronnie Barker could say all this without a snigger (though god knows how many takes). Irony is that they received not one complaint. The speed of delivery must have been too much for the whining herds. Try getting through it without converting the spoonerisms [and not wetting your pants] as you read ... This is the story of Rindercella and her sugly isters. Rindercella and her sugly isters lived in a marge lansion. Rindercella worked very hard frubbing sloors, emptying poss pits, and shivelling shot. At the end of the day, she was knucking fackered. The sugly isters were right bugly astards. One was called Mary Hinge, and the other was called Betty Swallocks; they were really forrible huckers; they had fetty sweet and fatty swannies. The sugly isters had tickets to go to the ball, but the cotton runts would not let Rindercella go. Suddenly there was a bucking fang, and her gairy fodmother appeared. Her name was Shairy Hithole and she was a light rucking fesbian. She turned a pumpkin and six mite wice into a hucking cuge farriage with six dandy ronkeys who had buge hollocks and dig bicks. The gairy fodmother told Rindercella to be back by dimnlight otherwise, there would be a cucking falamity. At the ball, Rindercella was dancing with the prandsome hince when suddenly the clock struck twelve. 'Mist all chucking frighty!!!' said Rindercella, and she ran out tripping barse over ollocks, so dropping her slass glipper. The very next day the prandsome hince knocked on Rindercella's door and the sugly isters let him in.. Suddenly, Betty Swallocks lifted her leg and let off a fig bart. 'Who's fust jarted?' asked the prandsome hince. 'Blame that fugly ucker over there!' said Mary Hinge. When the stinking brown cloud had lifted, he tried the slass glipper on both the sugly isters without success and their feet stucking funk. Betty Swallocks was ducking fisgusted and gave the prandsome hince a knack in the kickers. This was not difficult as he had bucking fuge halls and a hig bard on. He tried the slass glipper on Rindercella and it fitted pucking ferfectly. Rindercella and the prandsome hince were married. The pransome hince lived his life in lucking fuxury, and Rindercella lived hers with a follen swanny! Bonnie Rarker!
This one is for Jerry: http://lovedbdb.com/nudemenClock/index2.html Click anywhere in the clock and it becomes digital, another click and it returns to normal.
www.facebook.com/photo.php?fbid=2549451092984&set=a.2549451052983.143707.1155048368&type=1&ref=nf Lol.
It will soon be announced that Jimmy Saville did not actually die of natural causes, but was the victim of a Islamic Terrorist called - Jamal Fixit
Why men shouldn’t be Agony aunts. Dear Phil I left home for work last week and after less than a mile my car stalled and wouldn’t start. I walked back to my house and found my husband in bed with our 19 year old babysitter. They announced that the affair had been going on for two years. Can you help me…I’m desperate. Dear Reader The most common cause of vehicles breaking down in the first mile is dirt in the fuel lines. Hope this helps. Phil.
This, apparently is an actual letter received by the UK Passport Office. Dear Sirs, I'm in the process of renewing my passport, and still cannot believe this.. How is it that Sky Television has my address and telephone number and knows that I bought a bleeding satellite dish from them back in 1977, and yet, the Government is still asking me where I was bloody born and on what date. For Christ sakes, do you guys do this by hand? My birth date you have on my pension book, and it is on all the income tax forms I've filed for the past 30 years. It is on my National Health card, my driving license, my car insurance, on the last eight damn passports I've had, on all those stupid customs declaration forms I've had to fill out before being allowed off the plane over the last 30 years, and all those insufferable census forms. Would somebody please take note, once and for all, that my mother's name is Mary Anne, my father's name is Robert and I'd be absolutely astounded if that ever changed between now and when I die!!!!!! I apologise, I'm really pissed off this morning. Between you and me, I've had enough of this bull****! You send the application to my house, then you ask me for my bloody address!!!! What is going on? Do you have a gang of neanderthal arseholes workin' there? Look at my damn picture. Do I look like Bin Laden? I don't want to dig up Yasser Arafat, for gods sake. I just want to go and park my arse on some sandy beach somewhere. And would someone please tell me, why would you give a **** whether I plan on visiting a farm in the next 15 days? If I ever got the urge to do something weird to a chicken or a goat, believe you me, you'd be the last bloody people I'd want to tell !! Well, I have to go now, because I have to go to the other end of the poxy city to get yet another copy of my birth certificate, to the tune of £30. Would it be so complicated to have all the services in the same spot to assist in the issuance of a new passport the same day?? Nooooooooooooo, that'd be too damn easy and maybe make sense. You'd rather have us running all over the bloody place like chickens with our heads cut off, then have to find some arsehole to confirm that it's really me on the damn picture - you know, the one where we're not allowed to smile?! (bureaucratic morons) Hey, do you know why we couldn't smile if we wanted to? Because we're totally pissed off! Signed An Irate Citizen. P.S. Remember what I said above about the picture and getting someone to confirm that it's me? Well, my family has been in this country since 1776 ............ I have served in the military for something over 30 years and have had full security clearances over 25 of those years enabling me to undertake highly secretive missions all over the world. ......... However, I have to get someone 'important' to verify who I am - you know, someone like my doctor - WHO WAS BORN AND RAISED IN SODDING PAKISTAN ! Sincerely,
An elderly British gentleman of 83 arrived in Paris by plane. At the French customs desk he took a few minutes to locate his passport in his carry-on bag. 'You have been to France before, Monsieur?' the customs officer asked sarcastically. The elderly gentleman admitted he had been to France previously. 'Then you should know enough to 'ave your passport ready,' the customs officer said. The elderl...y gentleman replied, 'The last time I was here, I didn't have to show it.' 'Impossible! The British always have to show their passports on arrival in France !' The Man gave the Frenchman a long hard look. Then he quietly explained; 'Well, when I came ashore on the Beach on D-Day in 1944, I couldn't find any ****ing Frenchmen to show it to...!! Wear your Poppy with Pride!!
BRAVE MAN JOKES 1 -How do you turn a fox into an elephant? Marry It! 2 -What is the difference between a battery and a woman? A battery has a positive side. 3 - Why is the space between a woman's breasts and her hips called a waist? Because you could easily fit another pair of tits in there.. 4 - How do you make 5 pounds of fat look good? Put a nipple on it. 5 - Why do women fake orgasms ? Because they think men care. 6 - What do you say to a woman with 2 black eyes? Nothing, she's been told twice already. 7 - If your wife keeps coming out of the kitchen to nag at you, what have you done wrong? Made her chain too long 8 - Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman? Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you. 9 - Why do women have smaller feet than men? It's one of those 'evolutionary things' that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink. 10 - Why do men pass gas more than women? Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required pressure. 11 - If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first ? The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in. 12 - Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%... It's called a Wedding Cake. 13 - Why do men die before their wives? Because they want to. Send this to a few good men who need a laugh and to the select few women who don't own a gun.
The medical distinction between Guts and Balls. We've all heard about people having Guts or Balls. But do you really know the difference between them? GUTS - Is arriving home late after a night out with your mates, being met by your wife with a broom, and asking: 'Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?' BALLS - Is coming home late after a night out with your mates, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the bum and saying: 'You're next, Chubby.' Medically speaking, whilst there is a difference in meaning, there is no difference in the prognosis. Both result in death.
The producers of this beer commercial borrowed a small 150 seat cinema playing a popular film, and filled 148 of its seats with rough-looking, tatooed bikers, leaving only two free seats in the middle of the theater. They then allowed theater management to sell tickets for the last pair of tickets to several young couples. What would you do? Watch till the end ..... http://www.theinspiration.com/2011/0...unt-in-cinema/
When my next door neighbour knocked on the door with some policemen to talk about some clothes stolen from her washing I **** her pants.
"I was in the club last nite i thought id av a go at chatting up this bird, hello love, i was gona tell u a joke about my cock, but its 2 long, thats funny, she replied, i was gona tell u a joke about my fanny, but you'll never get it"...
My budgie broke his leg today, so I made a little splint out of a couple of swan vesta matches............ His little face lit up when he tried to walk!!!
An Irishman went to Confession in St. Patrick's Catholic Church. 'Father', he confessed, 'it has been one month since my last confession. I had sex with Kitty Green twice last month.' The priest told the sinner, 'You are forgiven. Go out and say three Hail Mary's.' Soon thereafter, another Irish man entered the confessional. 'Father, it has been two months since my last confession. I've had sex with Kitty Green twice a week for the past two months.' This time, the priest questioned, 'Who is this Kitty Green?' 'A new woman in the neighbourhood,' the sinner replied. 'Very well,' sighed the priest.. Go and say ten Hail Mary's. At mass the next Christmas morning, as the priest prepared to deliver the sermon, a tall, Voluptuous, drop-dead gorgeous redheaded woman entered the sanctuary. The eyes of every man in the church fell upon her as she slowly sashayed up the aisle and sat down right in front of the priest. Her dress was green and very short, and she wore matching, shiny emerald-green shoes. The priest and the altar boy gasped as the woman in the green dress and matching green shoes sat with her legs spread slightly apart, but just enough to realize she wasn't wearing any underwear. The priest turned to the altar boy and whispered, 'Is that Kitty Green?' The bug-eyed altar boy couldn't believe his ears but managed to calmly reply, 'No Father, I think it's just a reflection from her shoes'.
"Spare a thought for Michael O’Leary, Chief Executive of 'Ryanair'....... Arriving in a hotel in Dublin , he went to the bar and asked for a pint of draught Guinness. The barman nodded and said, "That will be one Euro please, Mr. O’Leary." Somewhat taken aback, O'Leary replied, "That's very cheap," and handed over his money. "Well, we try to stay ahead of the competition", said the barman. "And we are serving free pints every Wednesday evening from 6 until 8. We have the cheapest beer in Ireland " "That is remarkable value" Michael comments "I see you don't seem to have a glass, so you'll probably need one of ours. That will be 3 euro please." O'Leary scowled, but paid up. He took his drink and walked towards a seat. "Ah, you want to sit down?" said the barman. "That'll be an extra 2 euro. - You could have pre-book the seat, and it would have only cost you a Euro." "I think you may to be too big for the seat sir, can I ask you to sit in this frame please" Michael attempts to sit down but the frame is too small and when he can't squeeze in he complains "Nobody would fit in that little frame". "I'm afraid if you can't fit in the frame you'll have to pay an extra surcharge of €4.00 for your seat sir" O'Leary swore to himself, but paid up. "I see that you have brought your laptop with you" added the barman. "And since that wasn't pre-booked either, that will be another 3 euro." O'Leary was so annoyed that he walked back to the bar, slammed his drink on the counter, and yelled, "This is ridiculous, I want to speak to the manager". "Ah, I see you want to use the counter," says the barman, "that will be 2 euro please." O'Leary's face was red with rage. "Do you know who I am?" "Of course I do Mr. O'Leary," "I've had enough, What sort of Hotel is this? I come in for a quiet drink and you treat me like this. I insist on speaking to a manager!" "Here is his E mail address, or if you wish, you can contact him between 9am and 9.10am every morning, Monday to Tuesday at this free phone number. Calls are free, until they are answered, then there is a talking charge of only 10 cent per second" "I will never use this bar again" "OK sir, but remember, we are the only hotel in Ireland selling pints for one Euro".
SANTA CLAUS: . 1. Wears red... 2. Good at breaking into houses... 3. Has loads of electrical goods that nobody can trace... 4. Drives an unlicensed vehicle... 5. Only does one day's work a year... . Lapland my arse - he's a Scouser !!
A Glasgow woman goes to the doctor, worried about her husband’s temper and threatening manner. The doc asks: "What's the problem, Janet? The woman says: "Weeell Doctor Cameron, I dinnae ken whit to dae. Every time ma hubbie comes home pished, he threatens to slap me aroon'." The doctor says: "Aye, well... I have a real good cure for that. When your husband arrives home intoxicated, just take a wee glass of water and start swishing it in your mouth. Just swish and swish but don't swallow it until he goes to bed and is sound asleep." Two weeks later she comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn. She says: "Doctor that wuz effin brilliant! Evrae time ma hubbie came home pished, I swished with water. I swished an' swished, and he didnae touch me even once! Tell me doc...wha's the secret? How's the water dae that?" The doctor says: "Janet hen, it's really nae big secret. The water does bugger all…it's keeping your mouth shut that does the trick..."
