Something to look forward to! A single glass at night could mean a peaceful, uninterrupted night sleep. NEW Wine for Seniors I kid you not...New Wine for Seniors California vintners in the Napa Valley area, which primarily produce Pinot Blanc, Pinot Noir, and Pinot Grigio wines, have developed a new hybrid grape that acts as an anti-diuretic. It is expected to reduce the number of trips older people have to make to the bathroom during the night. The new wine will be marketed as: PINO MORE
Light travels faster than sound This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak How can you tell when an auto mechanic just had sex? One of his fingers is clean What's the new and politically correct name for Lesbian? Vagitarian What do you call a lesbian Eskimo? Klondike What do you call a pimp who doesn't like blow jobs? A headless whoresman
Kate has apparently complained that whenever she sucks William's penis she ends up with acid indigestion. The Queen asked her if she'd tried Andrews.
A farmer is no longer making enough money and wants to start up a new venture and decides he will manufacture cheese. So he goes to his bank manager to ask for a loan. The bank manager explains he will have to have a business plan. So he goes away and comes back and the bank manager asks what this plan is. Ah says the farmer - I am going to make a cheese and incorporate red fruit in it and call it Red Worcester. No, no says the bank manager there is already a Red Leicester you need something more unique. So the farmer goes away and thinks about it and comes back and says my plan is to import cheese from Europe and sell it as Euro-cheese. No no says the bank manager - Europe is not at all popular that won't work at all. A bit depressed the farmer decides to go away to try to find inspiration and travels around and visits the Holy Land where he prays for an idea. Eventually he has a brainwave and rushes home to visit his bank manager and declares - I have it - I will import different cheese from all over Israel and call them Cheeses of Nazareth.
Q. Which is the odd one out: a woman, a microwave or a fridge? A. The microwave, the other two leak when they’re ****ed.
Politicians and nappies have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason.
A real trouper, well done Marcus & welcome aboard. Some of it's really funny looking back. What a sad bunch of **** s we all are
A fellow was ordered to lose 75 pounds, due to VERY serious health risks. As he wondered how in the heck he would ever do it, he ran across an ad in the newspaper for a guaranteed weight loss program. "Guaranteed my ass", he thought to himself, but desperate, he calls them up and subscribes to the 3 day 10 pound weight loss program. The next day there is a knock at his door and when he answers, there stands before him a voluptous, athletic, beautiful babe dressed in nothing but a pair of running shoes and a sign around her neck. She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company. The sign reads, "If you can catch me you can have me!" Without a second thought he takes off after her. A few miles later, huffing and puffing, he finally catches her and has his way with her. After they are through and she leaves, he thinks to himself, "I like the way this company does business." The same girl shows up for the next two days and the same thing happens. On the fourth day he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost ten pounds, as promised. So, he calls the company and orders from them their 5 day/ 20 pound program. As expected, the next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunningly beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life, wearing nothing but running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads, "If you can catch me, you can have me." He's after her in a shot. This girl is in great shape and it takes a while to catch her, but when he does, it's worth every cramp and wheeze. She is by far the best he's ever had. For the next four days, the same routine happens and much to his delight on the fifth day, he weighs himself and found he has lost another twenty pounds as promised! He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7 day/50 pound loss program. "Are you sure," asks the representative on the phone, "this is our most rigorous program..." "Absolutely," he replies. "I haven't felt this great in years!" The next day there is a knock at the door and when he opens it he finds Richard Simmons standing there wearing nothing but pink racing spikes and a sign around his neck that reads, "If I catch you, I can have you!"
The Top 5 Men in a Woman's life are: 1. Doctor. 2. Dentist 3. Coal man. 4. Decorator. 5. Bank manager. A Doctor says to take off your clothes. A Dentist says open wide. A Coal man asks "where do you want it, front or back?" A Decorator says "how do you like it now that it's up?" A Bank manager says "don't take it out you'll lose interest"!
This test only has one question, but it's a very important one. By giving an honest answer, you will discover where you stand morally. The test features an unlikely, completely fictional situation in which you will have to make a decision. Remember that your answer needs to be honest, yet spontaneous. Please scroll down slowly and give due consideration to each line. You are in Florida, Miami to be specific. There is chaos all around you caused by a hurricane with severe flooding. This is a flood of biblical proportions. You are a photojournalist working for a major newspaper, and you're caught in the middle of this epic disaster. The situation is nearly hopeless. You're trying to shoot career-making photos. There are houses and people swirling around you, some disappearing under the water. Nature is unleashing all of its destructive fury. Suddenly you see a man floundering in the water. He is fighting for his life, trying not to be taken down with the debris. You move closer... somehow the man looks familiar. You suddenly realize who it is. It's George W. Bush! At the same time you notice that the raging waters are about to pull him under. You have two options-you can save the life of G.W. Bush or you can shoot a dramatic Pulitzer Prize winning photo, documenting the death of one of the world's most powerful men. So here's the question, and please give an honest answer : [NSFW]Would you select high contrast color film, or would you go with the classic simplicity of black and white? [/NSFW]
Bubba got drunk and died in a fire in his trailer caused by his cigarette. His body was so badly burned that the morgue needed someone to I.D. the body, so they called his two close friends, Jim-Bob and Billy to come and try to I.D. the body. Jim-Bob went in and the mortician pulled back the sheet, and Jim-Bob said, "Yep, he's got burnt up purdy bad. Roll 'im over." So, the mortician rolled him over, and Jim-Bob looked at his butt and said, "Nope, dat ain't Bubba." The mortician didn't say anything, but thought that was a little bit strange. Then, he brought in Billy to I.D. the body. Billy looked at him and said' "Yep, he's burnt up sumpin' real bad. Roll 'im over." The mortician rolled him over, and Billy looked down at his butt and said, "Nuh-uh, 'at ain't Bubba. The mortician said, "How can you tell?" Billy said, "Well, Bubba had two ass holes, ya know." "What? He had two ass holes? Impossible!" said the mortician. "Yep. Everyone in town knowed he had two ass holes, cause every time the three of us went to town, everyone would say, 'Here comes Bubba with them two ass holes.' "
