FIFA has confirmed that an official complaint has been received from the English FA claiming that as the Euro 2012 is in Poland, they should’ve qualified as co-hosts. They’ve pointed out that the same mistake can’t be allowed to occur again when Russia hosts the WC.
Last month a world-wide survey was conducted by the UN. The only question asked was:- "Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?" The survey was a huge failure because of the following: 1.* In Eastern Europe they didn't know what "honest" meant. 2.* In Western Europe they didn't know what "shortage" meant. 3.* In Africa they didn't know what "food" meant. 4.* In China they didn't know what "opinion" meant.. 5.* In the Middle East they didn't know what "solution" meant. 6.* In South America they didn't know what "please" meant. 7.* In the USA they didn't know what "the rest of the world" meant. 8.* In Australia they hung up as soon as they heard the Indian accent.
A precious little girl walks into a Pets Mart Shop and asks, in the sweetest little lisp, between two missing teeth, "Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep widdle wabbits?" As the shopkeeper's heart melts, he gets down on his knees so that he's on her level and asks, "Do you want a widdle white wabbit, or a thoft and fuwwy, bwack wabbit, or maybe one like that cute widdle bwown wabbit over there?" She, in turn, blushes, rocks on her heels, puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and says, in a tiny quiet voice, "I don't think my python weally gives a thit
A priest and a shepherd from Australia participate in a TV game. After answering all the questions, there is a tie. So both are given one final assignment. It is to write a poem in three minutes, using the word "Timbuktu". It is city in Africa. The priest returns with the fruit of his inspiration: "I was a father all my life, I had no children, had no wife, I read the bible through and through on my way to Timbuktu ... " The poem makes a great impression, and the priest smells a sweet victory. But then comes the shepherd, with his winning masterpiece: "When Tim and I to Brisbane went We met three women cheap to rent. They were three and we were two, So I booked one and Tim Booked Two"!
When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ballpoint pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat the problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion to develop a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to 300 C. The Russians used a pencil.
I bought a racehorse today, I called him My Face. I don't care if he doesn't win, I just want to hear a load of posh twats shouting, "Come on My Face".
A man boarded an aircraft at London’s Heathrow Airport for New York, and taking his seat as he settled in, he noticed a very beautiful woman boarding the plane. He realized she was heading straight toward his seat and bingo - she took the seat right beside him. "Hello", he blurted out, "Business trip or vacation?" She turned, smiled enchantingly and said, "Business. I'm going to the annual nymphomaniac convention in the United States." He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting for nymphomaniacs! Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your role at this convention?" "Lecturer," she responded,” I use my experience to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality." "Really", he smiled, "what myths are those?" "Well," she explained, "one popular myth is that African-American men are the most well endowed when, in fact, it's the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is that French men are the best lovers, when actually it is the men of Greek descent. We have also found that the best potential lovers in all categories are the Irish." Suddenly the woman became uncomfortable and blushed. "I'm sorry," she said. "I really shouldn't be discussing this with you; I don't even know your name!" "Tonto," the man said. "Tonto Papadopoulos, but my friends call me Paddy."
A guy with a gun enters a bar. "Who the **** had sex with my wife?" he snarled. A voice was heard in the background, "You don't have enough bullets, mate!"
FEMALE GEOGRAPHY - Between 18 and 25, a woman is like Africa : wild, naturally beautiful and full of mysterious, fertile deltas. - Between 26 and 34, a woman is like America : well-developed and open for trade, especially for those with stacks of money. - Between 35 and 44, a woman is like India : sensual, relaxed, in full bloom, aware of her beauty. - Between 45 and 54, a woman is like France : deliciously mature, still a pleasant destination to visit. - Between 55 and 60, a woman is like Yugoslavia : a lost war, haunted by the mistakes of the past. Major reconstruction work is mostly the only answer. - Between 61 and 65, a woman is like Russia : vast, with undefined frontier. The cold climate puts off any potential visitors. - Between 66 and 70, a woman is like *****lia : a glorious past, great conquests, but without a future. - After 70, a woman is like Afghanistan or the north pole: many know its whereabouts, but no-one dares to venture there... MALE GEOGRAPHY - Between 15 and 90, a man is like Zimbabwe or America : ruled by a dick...
A guy walks in to a kebab shop and is surprised to see Father Christmas serving behind the counter. "Santa!" he says. "What are you doing working here? Shouldn't you be up at the North Pole preparing for the big day?" Santa Claus sighs. He's really let himself go. The red suit's got lard and chilli sauce and bits of lettuce all over it. His apron's in a mess and he just looks fed up and like he doesn't want to be serving up kebabs for a living. "Well," Santa says at last, "the business has gone belly up. With the recession, the credit crunch and all, the toy industry took a beating. I had to lay off some of the elves, make cut backs in quality and we just lost our competitive edge. Plus we wound up the delivery side and subcontracted out to UPS. But... it didn't help. The receivers came in, asset-stripped the business and we went into liquidation." "Gee," the guy says. "I'm really sorry; it kind of takes the tradition out of Christmas in a way." "Yeah," says Santa Claus and manages a wan smile. "Well enough of me and my woes. What can I get you?" The guy says, "I'll have a large Donner." "Sorry," says Santa. "We're all out of Donner.......Will Blitzen do instead?"
Can't believe it was 34 years ago... The woman who gave birth to the world's first test tube baby has died. Lesley Brown, 64, who lived in Whitchurch, Bristol, made history in July 1978 when her daughter Louise was born at Oldham General Hospital. Mrs Brown had been trying for a baby with her husband John for nine years before she became the first woman to give birth following IVF treatment. She died at the Bristol Royal Infirmary on 6 June with her family by her side, it has been announced. She successfully conceived following pioneering treatment by Patrick Steptoe and Robert Edwards. She leaves behind daughters Louise and Natalie, who were both born following IVF treatment, her stepdaughter Sharon and five grandchildren.
