53,000 Geordies meet in St James Park for a 'Geordies Are Not Stupid' convention. Alan Shearer addresses the crowd 'We are all here today to prove to the world that Geordies are not stupid. Can I have a volunteer please?' Gazza gingerly works his way through the crowd and steps up to the stage. Shearer asks him 'What is 15 plus 15?' After 15 or 20 seconds Gazza says, 'Eighteen!' Obviously everyone is a little disappointed. Then the Geordies start chanting, 'Give him another chance! Give him another chance!' Shearer says 'Well since we have a capacity crowd, world-wide press and global broadcast media here, I think we can give him another chance. So he asks 'What is 5 plus 5?' After nearly 30 seconds he eventually says, 'Ninety?' Shearer looks down and just lets out a dejected sigh. Everyone is disheartened and Gazza starts crying. But then the 53,000 Geordies begin to yell and wave their hands shouting, 'GIVE HIM ANOTHER CHANCE! GIVE HIM ANOTHER CHANCE!' Shearer, unsure whether he is now doing more harm than good eventually says 'What is 2 plus 2? ' Silence hangs over the stadium. Gazza closes his eyes, and after a whole minute eventually says, 'Four?' Pandemonium breaks out throughout the stadium as the Geordie crowd stand, wave their arms, stomp their feet and scream….. 'GIVE HIM ANOTHER CHANCE! GIVE HIM ANOTHER CHANCE!'
This is a story that i heard Dave Stewart (ex Eurythmics) tell on the radio. On a visit to New York Dave Stewart got into conversation with Bob Dylan and told Dylan that if he was ever in London he could go round to Stewart's house where he could use his personal studio for some recording. He gave Dylan his address - 85 Muswell Hill Road (I have made up the address, NZHorn). Some months later Dylan was in London and at a loose end on a Saturday morning so he hailed a taxi and told the driver to take him to 85 Muswell Hill. Dylan was dropped outside the house and, carrying his guitar, rang the door bell. The door ws opened by a middle-aged woman, for whom Dylan was God. She recognised Dylan but couldn't really believe it was him until he said in his distinctive drawl that Dave had invited him to come and play at the house. Now this woman's husband was also called Dave. He was a plumber, so swallowing her incredulity, she invited Dylan into the living room and said that Dave had just popped out for a moment and would be back soon. She gave Dylan a cup of tea then went to the front door when she heard her husband coming in. Dave the plumber said to his wife, as he took his coat off and placed his tool bag on the floor, "Anyone call, while I was out?" His wife replied, "Yeah, Bob Dylan's dropped round. He's having some tea in the lounge." After a brief chat Dave the plumber realised that Dylan was supposed to go to Muswell Hill Road, so he gave him a lift in his plumber's van to Dave Stewart's house.
I understand that Danny Wellbacks Dad is in the Army - he is in the Bomb Disposal Until. His name is Stan!
During his physical examination, a doctor asked a man about his physical activity level. He described a typical day this way: ... "Well, yesterday afternoon, I took a five hour walk about 7km through some pretty rough terrain. I waded along the edge of a lake. I pushed my way through brambles. I got sand in my shoes and my eyes. I avoided standing on a snake. I climbed several rocky hills. I took a few 'leaks' behind some big trees. The mental stress of it all left me shattered. At the end of it all I drank eight beers" Inspired by the story, the doctor said, "You must be one hell of an outdoors man!" "No," he replied, "I'm just a **** golfer".
A farmer in Devon has successfully grown a field of vibrators. Unfortunately, he now has a problem with squatters.
Enjoy 6 yr olds 1.While some months have just 30 days, others have 31 days. How many months have 28 days? 2.If there are three cups of sugar and you take one away, how many do you have? 3.When can you add two to eleven and get one as the correct answer? 4.Before Mount Everest was discovered, what was the highest mountain on Earth? 5.The more you take the more you leave behind? Adult 1.Which is the word in English that has nine letters, and remains a word at each step even when you remove one letter from it, right up to a single letter remaining. List each letter as you remove them, along with the resulting word at each step. 2. Lilly picked a book off the highest shelf in her room. On the spine she read "How to Jog". She ran out of the room and opened the book but found it had absolutely nothing to do with jogging. What was the book about? 3. What happened in 1961 that will not happen again for over 4000 years? 4. A white horse jumps over a tower and lands on a priest, who immediately disappears from the landscape. Where did this take place? 5. Cannot be seen, cannot be felt, cannot be heard, cannot be smelt. It lies behind the stars and beneath the hills. Ends life and kills laughter. What is it? Sometimes the kids ones are the hardest as we miss the obvious as witnessed by my 10 year old making a fool out of me. Will post answers another time.
Sean Dyche‏@Sean_dycheApparently, on hearing that Gareth Bale had signed a new contract, his dad's brother exclaimed, "Well I'll be a monkey's uncle..."
1. All twelve 2. One 3. When you're calulating time 4. Mount Everest 5. Footsteps Am I an honorary 6 year-old?
1. Startling - starling - staring - string - sting - sing - sin - in - I 2. Increase your memory power 3. The year reads the same upside down 4. In a game of chess 5. Darkness
Life is a Bitch Quotes A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman- type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She ... went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do. "Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?" The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders she would need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?" The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch." A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money. "You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats." Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. "And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."
Now who does this refer to: The Deaf Italian Bookkeeper A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper, Guido, has cheated him out of $10,000,000.00. ... His bookkeeper is deaf. That was the reason he got the job in the first place. It was assumed that Guido would hear nothing and would therefore never have to testify in court. When the Godfather goes to confront Guido about the missing $10 million, he takes along his lawyer, who knows sign language. The Godfather tells the lawyer, "Ask him where the money is." The lawyer, using sign language, asks Guido, Where's the money? Guido signs back, "I don't know what you are talking about." The lawyer tells the Godfather, "He says he doesn't know what you are talking about." The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to Guido's head and says, "Ask him again or I'll kill him!" The lawyer signs to Guido, "He'll kill you if you don't tell him." Guido trembles and signs back, "OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed at my cousin Bruno's house." The Godfather asks the lawyer, "What did he say?" The lawyer replies, "He says you don't have the guts to pull the trigger."
From an old Uni friend in the IoM: An Obituary printed in The Times.....Absolutely brilliant Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, Common Sense, who has been with us for many years. No one knows for sure how old he was, since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape. He will be remembered as having cultivated such valuable lessons as: - Knowing when to come in out of the rain - Why the early bird gets the worm - Life isn't always fair; - And maybe it was my fault. Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don't spend more than you can earn) and reliable strategies (adults, not children, are in charge). His health began to deteriorate rapidly when well-intentioned but overbearing regulations were set in place. Reports of a 6-year-old boy charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate; teens suspended from school for using mouthwash after lunch; and a teacher fired for reprimanding an unruly student, only worsened his condition. Common Sense lost ground when parents attacked teachers for doing the job that they themselves had failed to do in disciplining their unruly children. It declined even further when schools were required to get parental consent to administer sun lotion or an aspirin to a student; but could not inform parents when a student became pregnant and wanted to have an abortion. Common Sense lost the will to live as the churches became businesses; and criminals received better treatment than their victims. Common Sense took a beating when you couldn't defend yourself from a burglar in your own home and the burglar could sue you for assault. Common Sense finally gave up the will to live, after a woman failed to realize that a steaming cup of coffee was hot. She spilled a little in her lap, and was promptly awarded a huge settlement. Common Sense was preceded in death, by his parents, Truth and Trust, by his wife, Discretion, by his daughter, Responsibility, and by his son, Reason. He is survived by his 5 stepbrothers; I Know My Rights, I Want It Now, Someone Else Is To Blame, I'm A Victim and Pay me for Doing Nothing Not many attended his funeral because so few realized he was gone. If you still remember him, pass this on. If not, join the majority and do nothing.
From an old Uni friend in the IoM: An Obituary printed in The Times.....Absolutely brilliant Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, Common Sense, who has been with us for many years. No one knows for sure how old he was, since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape. He will be remembered as having cultivated such valuable lessons as: - Knowing when to come in out of the rain - Why the early bird gets the worm - Life isn't always fair; - And maybe it was my fault. Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don't spend more than you can earn) and reliable strategies (adults, not children, are in charge). His health began to deteriorate rapidly when well-intentioned but overbearing regulations were set in place. Reports of a 6-year-old boy charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate; teens suspended from school for using mouthwash after lunch; and a teacher fired for reprimanding an unruly student, only worsened his condition. Common Sense lost ground when parents attacked teachers for doing the job that they themselves had failed to do in disciplining their unruly children. It declined even further when schools were required to get parental consent to administer sun lotion or an aspirin to a student; but could not inform parents when a student became pregnant and wanted to have an abortion. Common Sense lost the will to live as the churches became businesses; and criminals received better treatment than their victims. Common Sense took a beating when you couldn't defend yourself from a burglar in your own home and the burglar could sue you for assault. Common Sense finally gave up the will to live, after a woman failed to realize that a steaming cup of coffee was hot. She spilled a little in her lap, and was promptly awarded a huge settlement. Common Sense was preceded in death, by his parents, Truth and Trust, by his wife, Discretion, by his daughter, Responsibility, and by his son, Reason. He is survived by his 5 stepbrothers; I Know My Rights, I Want It Now, Someone Else Is To Blame, I'm A Victim and Pay me for Doing Nothing Not many attended his funeral because so few realized he was gone. If you still remember him, pass this on. If not, join the majority and do nothing.
A young girl started work in the village chemist shop. She was very shy about having to sell condoms to the public. The owner was going on holiday for a couple of days and asked if she would be willing to run the shop on her own. She had to confide in him her worries about selling the contraceptives. "Look," he said. "My regular customers don’t ask for condoms, they'll ask for a 310 [small] a 320[medium] or a 330[large]. The word condom won’t even be used. The first day was fine but on the second day a black guy came in to the shop, put out his hand and said "350". The girl panicked. She phoned the owner on his mobile and told him of her predicament. "Go back in and check if he has a yellow bucket hanging between his legs", her boss told her. She peeped through the door and saw the yellow bucket hanging between his legs. "Yes!" she said " He's got one hanging there!" The boss said "Go back in and give him £3.50, he's the window cleaner!"
