An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake. He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a shot of Jack Daniels. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, 'Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke? The bar immediately falls absolutely silent. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, 'Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair, Given that you are blind, that you should know five things: 1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat. 2. The bouncer is a blonde girl. 3. I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate. 4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weight lifter. 5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler. Now, think about it seriously, Cowboy. Do you still wanna tell that blonde joke?' The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head and mutters, 'No...not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times.
Someone sent me this in an email: ''For those who do not listen to the 'Today' programme on Radio 4, this is English humour at its best - Right at the end of the programme recently, there was a discussion about the obscene cost of entry into Premiership football games - the cheapest are usually £60' and £100 or more per game is common at the top clubs. An older chap being interviewed said he could recall many years ago arriving at the turnstile (it was probably West Ham United or Queen's Park Rangers) to be told "That will be 10 quid, mate" "What?" the old chap said, "I could get a woman for that!" The chap on the turnstile said ............. "Not for 45 minutes each way you wouldn't - And a brass band in the interval"
So anyway, I'm behind this prick who can't f---ing drive. Weaving all over the place and hasn't got a f---king clue. I'm roaring, "You f---ing Paki bastard Learn to drive!! And while you're at it, why don't you f---k off back to your own country you smelly pr--k. You know what the cheeky bastard did? He stopped, looked back at me and says, "Get out of my taxi!
David Cameron was visiting a Northern Ireland primary school and the class was in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings. The teacher asked Mr Cameron if he would like to lead the discussion on the word 'Tragedy'. So, Britains illustrious leader asked the class for an example of a 'Tragedy'. A little boy stood up and offered: 'If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is playing in the field and a tractor runs over him and kills him, that would be a tragedy.' 'Incorrect,' said Cameron. 'That would be an accident.' A little girl raised her hand: 'If a school bus carrying fifty children drove over a cliff, killing everybody inside, that would be a tragedy.' 'I'm afraid not', explained Cameron, 'that's what we would refer to as a great loss'. The room went silent. No other children volunteered. Cameron searched the room. 'Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?' Finally, at the back of the room, little Johnny raised his hand and said: 'If a plane carrying you and Mr. Clegg and Mr. Milliband was struck by a 'friendly fire' missile & blown to smithereens, that would be a tragedy.' 'Fantastic' exclaimed Cameron, 'and can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?' 'Well', said Johnny, 'it has to be a tragedy, because it certainly wouldn't be a great loss, and it probably wouldn't be a ****ing accident either!'
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Police have said the premier league referees headquarters have been broken into. All that was stolen was a wallet, 2 watches, and man utds results for 2012/2013
.... Camilla bought a new pair of shoes for her wedding which got increasingly tight as the day went on. That night, after the festivities were finally over, she & Charles retired back to their room. Camilla flopped on the bed and said 'Please remove my shoes darling, one's feet are killing one.' Ever obedient, the Prince of Wales attacked her right shoe with vigour. But It wouldn't budge. 'Harder!' yelled Camilla. 'Harder?' Charles yelled back. 'I'm trying darling! But it's just so bloody tight!' 'Come on give it all you've got, ' she cried. Finally when it released, Charles let out a big groan, and Camilla exclaimed, 'Oh god, that feels so good !' In their bedroom next door, the Queen turned to Prince Phillip and said, 'See, I told you she would still be a virgin with a face like that.' Meanwhile back in the other bedroom, Charles was attempting to remove the other shoe when he cried out, 'Oh god, darling, this one's even tighter.' At which point Prince Phillip turned and said to the Queen: 'That's my boy; once a navy man, always a navy man!
DO YOU NEED CHEERING UP ? Well, here's a great idea! Watch your wedding video backwards. The night starts with you getting a root ... Then you have a great time and sober up without a hangover ... You'll love the end bit where you take the ring off, go back down the aisle, jump in the car & piss off with your mates
SCHOOL - 1957 vs. 2012 Scenario : Johnny and Mark get into a fight after school. 1957 - Crowd gathers. Mark wins. Johnny and Mark shake hands and end up best friends. 2010 - Police called, arrests Johnny and Mark.. Charge them with assault, both expelled even though Johnny started it. Both children go to anger management programs for 3 months. School governors hold meeting to implement bullying prevention programmes Scenario : Robbie won't be still in class, disrupts other students.. 1957 - Robbie sent to office and given 6 of the best by the Principal. Returns to class, sits still and does not disrupt class again. 2012 - Robbie given huge doses of Ritalin. Becomes a zombie. Tested for ADHD. Robbie's parents get fortnightly disability payments and School gets extra funding from government because Robbie has a disability. Scenario : Billy breaks a window in his neighbour's car and his Dad gives him a whipping with his belt. 1957 - Billy is more careful next time, grows up normal, goes to college, and becomes a successful businessman. 2012 - Billy's dad is arrested for child abuse. Billy removed to foster care and joins a gang. Scenario : Mark gets a headache and takes some aspirin to school. 1957 - Mark gets glass of water from Principal to take aspirin with. 2012- Police called, Mark expelled from school for drug taking. Car searched for drugs and weapons. Scenario : Johnny takes apart leftover fireworks from Guy Fawkes night, puts them in a paint tin & blows up a wasp's nest. 1957 - Wasps die. 2012- Police & Anti-Terrorism Squad called. Johnny charged with domestic terrorism, investigate parents, siblings removed from home, computers confiscated. Johnny's Dad goes on a terror watch list and is never allowed to fly again. Scenario : Johnny falls while running during morning break and scrapes his knee. He is found crying by his teacher, Mary . Mary hugs him to comfort him. 1957 - In a short time, Johnny feels better and goes on playing. 2012- Mary is accused of being a sexual predator and loses her job. She faces 3 years in Prison. Johnny undergoes 5 years of therapy.
A young Indian Brave is sitting by the camp fire one day and says to the Chief, "O wise Father, can you explain to me how our people are given our tribal names?" "Certainly my son" says the Chief, "when the new born child is presented to the chief of the tribe what ever he sees will become the name of the infant. I am called White Cloud because there were many white clouds in the sky on the day of my birth. Your mother is called Little Elk because a herd of elk were passing by and your brother High Eagle was so named after the majestic bald eagle seen flying in the sky." And the Chief then said to the young brave "By why the sudden curiosity Dog Licks Balls?"
A six year old goes to the hospital with her mother to visit her Grandpa. When they get to the hospital, she runs ahead of her mother and bursts into her Grandpa's room ..... "Grandpa, Grandpa," she says excitedly, "As soon as my mother comes into the room, make a noise like a frog!" "What?" said her Grandpa. "Make a noise like a frog - because my mother said that as soon as you croak, we're all going to Disney Land!
Statistics say 20% of people live next door to a peadophile Not me I live next door to a stunning 14 year old with a tight arse and cracking tits
The plane leaves Heathrow Airport under the control of a Jewish captain; his co-pilot is Chinese. It's the first time they've flown together and an awkward silence between the two seems to indicate a mutual dislike. Once they reach cruising altitude, the Jewish captain activates the auto-pilot, leans back in his seat, and mutters, 'I don't like Chinese..' 'No rike Chinese?' asks the co-pilot, 'why not?' 'You people bombed Pearl Harbor , that's why!' 'No, no', the co-pilot protests, 'Chinese not bomb Peahl Hahbah! That Japanese, not Chinese.' 'Japanese, Chinese, Vietnamese....doesn't matter, you're all alike!' There's a few minutes of silence. 'I no rike Jews!' the co-pilot suddenly announces. 'Oh yeah, why not?' asks the captain. 'Jews sink Titanic!' says the co-pilot. 'What? You're insane! Jews didn't sink the Titanic!' exclaims the captain, 'It was an iceberg!' Iceberg, Goldberg, Greenberg, Rosenberg , ...no mattah....all same.
A 7 year old and a 4 year old are upstairs in their bedroom. 'You know what?' says the 7 year old, 'I think it's about time we started swearing.' The 4 year old nods his head in approval, so the 7 year old says, 'When we go downstairs for breakfast I'm gonna swear first, then you swear after me, ok?' 'Ok' the 4 year old, agrees with enthusiasm.. The mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 7 year old what he wants for breakfast. 'Oh, **** mum, I don't know, I suppose I'll have some Coco Pops' WHACK!! He flew out of his chair, tumbled across the kitchen floor, got up, and ran upstairs crying his eyes out. She looked at the 4 year old and asked with a stern voice, ' And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?' 'I don't know,' he blubbers, 'but it won't be ****ing Coco Pops'
A young girl started work in the village chemist shop. She was very shy about having to sell condoms to the public. The owner was going on holiday for a couple of days and asked if she would be willing to run the shop on her own. She had to confide in him her worries about selling the contraceptives. "Look," he said. "My regular customers don't ask for condoms, they'll ask for a 310 [small] a 320[medium] or a 330[large]. The word condom won't even be used. The first day was fine but on the second day a coloured guy came in to the shop, put out his hand and said "350".. The girl panicked. She phoned the owner on his mobile and told him of her predicament. "Go back in and check if he has a yellow bucket hanging between his legs" her boss told her. She peeped through the door and saw the yellow bucket hanging between his legs. "Yes " she said " He's got one hanging there"....! The boss said "Go back in and give him £3.50. He's the window cleaner"
Some of you may not know this, but as a bagpiper I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a grave-side service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper’s cemetery in the back-country behind Colorado Springs. As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost; and being a typical male I didn’t stop for directions. I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch. I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn’t know what else to do, so I started to play. The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around.. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I’ve never played before for this homeless man. And as I played ‘Amazing Grace,’ the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I finished I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car. Though my head hung low, my heart was full. As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say "Sweet Mother of Jesus, I never seen nothin’ like that before and I’ve been putting in septic tanks for over twenty years."
Elton and Davids baby They had their sperm mixed together and a surrogate mother was artificially inseminated. When the baby was born Elton and David were ushered into a ward where a dozen babies were lying in their cots, eleven of them crying and screaming. In the corner, one baby was lying serenely. A nurse came over to both of them and indicated that the happy child was theirs. "Isn't it wonderful?" Elton asked David. "All these crying babies...and yet our baby is so content. This just proves the superiority of gay love! "The nurse said, "Oh sure, he's happy now, but just watch what happens when I pull the dummy out of his behind...."
Two Irishmen walk into a pet shop in Dingle, they walk over to the bird section and Gerry says to Paddy, 'Dat's dem.' The owner comes over and asks if he can help them. 'Yeah, we'll take four of dem dere little budgies in dat cage up dere,' says Gerry. The owner puts the budgies in a cardboard box. Paddy and Gerry pay for the birds, leave the shop and get into Gerry's truck to drive to the top of the Connor Pass. At the Connor Pass , Gerry looks down at the 1000 foot drop and says, 'Dis looks like a grand place..' He takes two birds out of the box, puts one on each shoulder and jumps off the cliff. Paddy watches as the budgies fly off and Gerry falls all the way to the bottom, killing himself stone dead. Looking down at the remains of his best pal, Paddy shakes his head and says, 'Fook dat. Dis budgie jumping is too fook'n dangerous for me! The Story continues.. Moment's later; Seamus arrives up at ConnorPass. He's been to the pet shop too and walks up to the edge of the cliff carrying another cardboard box in one hand and a shotgun in the other. 'Hi, Paddy, watch dis,' Seamus says. He takes a parrot from the box and lets him fly free. He then throws himself over the edge of the cliff with the gun. Paddy watches as half way down, Seamus takes the gun and shoots the parrot. Seamus continues to plummet down and down until he hits the bottom and breaks every bone in his body. Paddy shakes his head and says, 'And I'm never trying dat parrotshooting either!' IT IS NOT OVER YET... Paddy is just getting over the shock of losing two friends when Sean appears. He's also been to the pet shop and is carrying a cardboard box out of which he pulls a chicken. Sean then takes the chicken by its legs and hurls himself off the cliff and disappears down and down until he hits a rock and breaks his spine. Once more Paddy shakes his head. 'Fook dat, lads. First dere was Gerry with his budgie jumping, den Seamus parrotshooting... And now Sean and his fook'n hengliding!'
