Stick with this, it gets better as it goes on. [video=youtube;tBte2Ggpt9A]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tBte2Ggpt9A[/video]
Looks a bit contrived, but very funny:- http://www.amazon.co.uk/product-reviews/B000KKNQBK/ref=cm_cr_pr_btm_link_1?ie=UTF8&showViewpoints=0
Angela Merkel arrived at Passport Control at Charles de Gaulle airport. "Nationality?" asked the immigration officer. "German," she replied. "Occupation?" "No, just here for a few days."
This might look like it's meant for the rumours thread, but it made me laugh 03 May 2012 06:53:07 If Bolton retain their premier league status, Marvin Sordell will join Watford on loan till January. I'm a massive Watford fan. This looks very likely! Bolton are screwed. Well - they are going down - so a pointless post! If you are a massive Watford Fan - does that mean you are very tall or very fat? Coyle doesn't play Sordell so he may as well go back there.
please log in to view this image Chelsea Clinton happy that her father will not keep it in the family Madeleine Albright unhappy that he will not. Dorrit Moussaieff very worried she could be next. Dorrit Moussaieff is frú Ãlafur Ragnar GrÃmsson, the president.
I have a little Satnav It sits there in my car A Satnav is a driver's friend It tells you where you are I have a little Satnav I've had it all my life It does more than the normal one My Satnav is my wife It gives me full instructions On exactly how to drive "It's thirty miles an hour" it says "And you're doing thirty five" It tells me when to stop and start And when to use the brake And tells me that it's never ever Safe to overtake It tells me when a light is red And when it goes to green It seems to know instinctively Just when to intervene It lists the vehicles just in front It lists those to the rear And taking this into account It specifies my gear I'm sure no other driver Has so helpful a device For when we leave and lock the car It still gives its advice It fills me up with counselling Each journey's pretty fraught So why don't I exchange it And get a quieter sort? Ah well, you see, it cleans the house Makes sure I'm properly fed She washes all my shirts and things And - keeps me warm in bed!
Old but Gold. A woman who was heavily pregnant with triplets got shot in the stomach by an armed robber. She went straight to the hospital and somehow, everything was perfectly fine with her and the babies. She had 2 girls and I boy. 4 years down the line, one of her girls came downstairs and said to her mum, "Mummy, I've just been for a pee and a bullet came out" "That's fine" her mum said, "there's nothing to worry about now" Another 4 years past and her other girl came downstairs and said exactly the same thing, so once again, her mummy said "Thats okay. Theres nothing to worry about now" Yet again, another 4 year's past and this time her son came downstairs and before he could say anything, his mum said, "Let me guess, you went for a pee and a bullet came out?" "No", he said, "I went for a **** and shot the cat"
The other day someone told me that I could make ice cubes with leftover wine. I was confused…what is leftover wine? I wouldn’t need to manage my anger if people could manage their stupidity. When a women says “what?, it’s not that she didn’t here you, she’s giving you a chance to change what you said. You can only say “WTF?” so many times a day until you decide to start drinking. I love everybody. Some I love to be around, some I would love to avoid and others I’d love to punch in the face!
You drink too much, swear too much and have questionable morals….You’re everything I’ve wanted in a friend. I don’t need “Anger Management Classes” – you need “Shut The **** Up” classes Some day when you have your own kids, you will understand why Mummy drinks…
Oh, you hate your job? Why didn’t you say so? There’s a support group for that, it’s called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the pub. A husband is someone who, after taking the rubbish out gives the impression he just cleaned the whole house. Oh, interesting. Let me just write that on my list of things I don’t give a **** about.
A couple was on their honeymoon, lying in bed, ready to consummate their marriage, when the new bride says to the husband, 'I have a confession to make, I'm not a virgin.' The husband replies, ‘that’s no big thing in this day and age.' The wife continues, 'Yeah, I've been with one guy.' 'Oh yeah? Who was the guy?' ‘Tiger Woods.' 'Tiger Woods the golfer?' 'Yeah.' ‘Well he’s rich, famous and handsome. I can see why you went to bed withhim.' The husband and wife then make passionate love. When they finish, the husband gets up and walks to the telephone. 'What are you doing?' asks his wife. The husband says, 'I'm hungry, I was going to call room service and get some food.' 'Tiger wouldn't do that!' she claims. 'Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?' 'He'd come back to bed and do it a second time.' The husband puts down the phone and goes back to bed to make love with his wife a second time. When they finish, he gets up and goes over to thephone. 'What are you doing?' she asks. The husband says, 'I'm still hungry so I was going to call room service to get some food.' 'Tiger wouldn't do that,' again she claims. 'Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?' 'He'd come back to bed and do it a third time.' The guy slams down the phone and goes back to bed and makes love to his wife a third time. When they finish he’s tired and beat. He drags himself over to the phone and starts to dial. The wife asks, 'Are you calling room service?' 'No! I'm calling Tiger Woods to find out what's par for this damn hole!'
A poor man walks up to a rich man's house. He is down on his luck and needs some money, so he goes round the back of the house to find the owner. "Hi there" he says, "I am down on my luck and I wondering if you have any jobs I could do for you"? The rich man decides to give him a break and says, "OK, my porch round the front needs painting. I'll give you £25 to do it for me. here is the paint". "Thank you sir, I'll get started straight away". After a while he finds the man again. "All finished sir" he says. "Thanks," says the man, "here's your £25." "Thank you sir, oh and by the way it's a Ferrari, not a Porsche".
Here's something to think about. I recently picked a new primary care doctor. After two visits and exhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing 'fairly well' for my age. (I just turned seventy-something.) A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, 'Do you think I'll live to be 80?' He asked, 'Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer, wine or hard liquor? 'Oh no,' I replied. 'I'm not doing drugs, either!' Then he asked, 'Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs? I said, 'Not much... my former doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!' 'Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, boating, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?' 'No, I don't,' I said. He asked, 'Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have lots of sex?' 'No,' I said... He looked at me and said,.. ' Then, why do you even give a ****?
I just saw a huge lorry carrying a load of wooden posts and fencing panels going to Stratford. Turned out it was the Irish fencing team ! Must be better than their football team eh ?
How do you encourage the England Squad? Get all their wags in one room and threaten to release John Terry and Ashley Cole inside!
