We haven't had one for a while, bar Bill's often brilliant 'one to wake up to' threads, so lets have one! Fire away lads, I will start.... Scientists have revealed that cum makes hair grow quicker, which explains my hairy knuckles, but has got me worried about my nan's moustache
My wife's sister knocked me out yesterday. I was so ****ing angry! What sort of a sick bitch puts chloroform on her dirty knickers?
"I can't find a cause for your illness," the doctor said. "Frankly, I think it's due to drinking." "In that case," replied his patient, "I'll come back when you are sober."
A man is the sole survivor of a shipwreck and finds himself washed ashore this tropical island. The island is small and appears uninhabited until this amazingly beautiful woman appears. She explains that she was in a similar predicament 1 year earlier but she's adapted and built a home. He follows her to a building made from bamboo with proper shutters, central heating and running water in the bathroom - he's amazed. She then encourages him to sit down while she prepares a meal using knives sharpened from turtle shells, cups made from coconut shells and forks made from fish bones. He can't believe his eyes and when she gives him a cocktail made from fermented island fruit he's completely blown away. Her house, her cooking and her beauty are just truly amazing. Once they've finished eating she starts to take her robes off and suggestively says "I'd like to show you something" and walks him towards the bedroom. She's got the perfect body with shapes in all the right places - how did could she be so amazing? She then sits down on the bed almost totally naked and says, "After being left on your own is there anything you really crave? Is there anything at all that you really REALLY want? " ... The man is dumbfounded and with a tear in his eye replies "Don't tell me you've got Sky Sports as well?!!"
Wife texts husband on a cold winter morning: "Windows frozen." Husband texts back: "Pour some luke warm water over it, stupid woman." Wife texts back: "Computer completely screwed now."
A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: "That's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen. Ugh!" The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: "The driver just insulted me!" The man says: "You go right up there and tell him off – go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you."
My lass said she was leaving me because of my arrogance. I told her to close the door on her way back in.
Paddy phones 999 "can I have an ambulance please" Operator "What's the emergency" Paddy "I just shot my wife and I think she's dead" Operator "are you sure" BANG!!! Paddy "Yes".
Sheila, the Aussie housewife got out of the shower and slipped over on the bathroom floor. Instead of slipping over forwards or backwards, she slipped, did the splits and suctioned herself to the floor. She yelled out for her husband Bruce. "Bruce, Bruce" she yelled. Bruce came running in. "Bruce, I've bloody suctioned myself to the floor" she said. "Strewth" Bruce said and tried to pull her up. "You're stuck fast girl. I'll go across the road and get Cobba" (his mate). They came back and they both tried to pull her up. "No way! We can't do it, let's try Plan B." Cobba said "Plan B?" exclaimed Bruce. "What's that"? "I'll go home and get my hammer and chisel and we can break the tiles under her and release the vacuum." replied Cobba "Spot on" Bruce said. "While you're doing that, I'll stay here and play with her tits." "Play with her tits"? Cobba said, "Not exactly a good time for that mate?" "No" Bruce replied, "But I reckon if I can get her wet enough, we can slide her into the kitchen where the tiles aren't so expensive" __________________
Now we learn Bin Laden collected porn, took sex supplements and hogged the remote. He didn't hate Americans, he was practicing to be one.
One for Syd.... Bloke wakes up in the morning, looks out the window and says to his wife "well babe we are all going fishing today. You me and the dog" "Oh I hate fishing" his wife says. "Well then, I will give you half an hour to think about it, while I get the boat ready" He says to her... "it's either fishing, anal sex or a blow job. It's up to you" Half hour later he returns. "Well whats it going to be love?" She replies. "Oh, I hate fishing, and anal sex hurts too much. Looks like it's a blow job I guess" The bloke flops his half stiff cock out as she gets down on her knees. She wraps her lips around his knob, then spits it out as she screws her face up. "YUCK THAT TASTES LIKE ****" she shouts. He looks down at her and says "Yeah the dog didn't want to come fishing either"
