Geordie, had long heard the stories of an amazing family tradition. It seems that his father, grandfather and great-grandfather had all been able to walk on water on their 18th birthday. On that special day, they'd each walked across the lake to the pub on the far side for their first legal drink. So when Geordies, 18th birthday came 'round, he and his chav pal took a boat out to the middle of the lake, Geordie, stepped out of the boat ....and nearly drowned! The chav just barely managed to pull him to safety. Furious and confused, Geordie, went to see his grandmother. 'Grandma,' he asked, "It's my 18th birthday, so why can't I walk 'cross the lake like my father, his father, and his father before him?" Granny looked deeply into Geordies troubled brown eyes and said, "Because your father, your grandfather and your great grandfather were all born in January, when the lake is frozen, and you were born in August, ya ****ing eedjut!
My girlfriend threw me out because she caught me measuring the size of my cock !! How petty is that. Anyway it turns out it just reaches the back of her sisters throat.
A man runs into a pet shop and lays a bomb on the counter and says you have two minutes to get out. A tortoise at the back says your a C--T.
Best chat up line of 2011 as voted for by loose woman. I might have a small dick, but i can lick the crumbs from the bottom of a Pringles tin.
What's the difference between Ashley Cole & Raoul Moat? One of them went on a rampage after his Geordie wife left him, the other went fishing with Gazza.
I bet you wished you'd never asked now Syd? A drunk man who smelled like beer sat down on a subway next to a priest. The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half-empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading. After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked, ’Say Father, what causes arthritis?' The priest replies, 'My Son, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, contempt for your fellow man, sleeping around with prostitutes and lack of a bath.' The drunk muttered in response, 'Well, I'll be darned, ' Then returned to his paper. The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized. 'I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?' The drunk answered, 'I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does.'
Apparently it's no longer politically correct to direct a joke at any racial or ethnic minority so try this one:- An Englishman,a Scotsman,an Irishman,a Welshman,a Latvian,a Turk,an aussie,a German,a yank,an Egyptian,a jap,a Mexican,a Spaniard, a Russian,a pole,a lithuanian,a swede,a finn,an israeli,a romanian,a bulgarian,a serb, a swiss,a Greek, a Singaporean, an Italian, a Norwegian and an african went to a night club.The bouncer said "Sorry, I can’t let you in without a Thai"
I woke up this morning at 8 and I just knew something was wrong. Got downstairs and the Wife was face down on the Kitchen floor, not breathing. I panicked, didn't know what to do.... ....then I remembered McDonald's serve breakfast until 10:30.
‎............failed a job interview today ...........apparently 'gangbang' isn't proof that you have worked as part of a team!
