still 6 days to the next match and its pissing down. a mackem and a geordie are in a car, driving down a country road the geordie says "ah look a flock of cows" the mackem looks puzzled and replies, "herd off cows you idiot" with a vacant look his geordie mate retorts "of course iv'e heard of cows, there's a flock of them over there" come on lads help me out
Here's a joke from one of my kids. Q) What's the difference between a camera and a sock? A) A camera takes photos and a sock takes five toes...
Two prawns..... Two prawns were swimming around in the sea, one called Justin and the other called Kristian. The prawns were constantly being harassed and threatened by sharks that inhabited the area. Finally one day Justin said to Kristian, 'I'm fed up with being a prawn; I wish I was a shark, and then I wouldn't have any worries about being eaten.' A large mysterious cod appeared and said, 'Your wish is granted' Lo and behold, Justin turned into a shark. Horrified, Kristian immediately swam away, afraid of being eaten by his old mate. Time passed (as it does) and Justin found life as a shark boring and lonely All his old mates simply swam away whenever he came close to them. Justin didn't realise that his new menacing appearance was the cause of his sad plight. While swimming alone one day he saw the mysterious cod again and he thought perhaps the mysterious fish could change him back into a prawn.. He approached the cod and begged to be changed back, and, lo and behold, he found himself turned back into a prawn. With tears of joy in his tiny little eyes Justin swam back to his friends and bought them all a cocktail. Looking around the gathering at the reef he realised he couldn't see his old pal. 'Where's Kristian?' he asked. 'He's at home, still distraught that his best friend changed sides to the enemy and became a shark', came the reply. Eager to put things right again and end the mutual pain and torture, he set off to Kristian's abode. As he opened the coral gate, memories came flooding back. He banged on the door and shouted, 'It's me, Justin, your old friend, come out and see me again.' Kristian replied, 'No way man, you'll eat me. You're now a shark, the enemy, and I'll not be tricked into being your dinner.' Justin cried back 'No, I'm not. That was the old me. I've changed.' Scroll down. (wait for it...!!) 'I've found Cod, and now I'm a Prawn again Kristian!!!
Welder - you have gone down in my estimation. Your post was both fishist and crustaceanist. A most foul combination.
A woman walks into a newcastle benefit office trailed by 15 kids.. . "OH WOW" the social worker exclaims, "are they all yours"? "Aye they're all mine" the flustered mother sighs, having heard that question a thousand times before. She says "Sit doon geordie" all the children rush to find their seats. "Well" says the social worker,then you must be here to sign up. I'll need all your childrens names. "This one's my eldest - he's Geordie" "Ok and who's next." "Well this one, he's geordie anall" The social worker raises an eyebrow but continues. One by one through the oldest four, all boys, all named Geordie. "All right" says the caseworker."Im seeing a pattern here. Are they ALL named Geordie?" Their mother replied, "Wey Aye- it meks it easior. When its time to get them oot of bed and ready for scheul, "A yell Geordie" "An when its time for dinner A just yell "Geordie" an they aall come runnin. An if A need to stop a kid who's runnin oot into the street A just yell "Geordie" an all of them stop. Its the smartest idea iv ivvor had, namin them all Geordie. The social worker thinks this over for a bit, then wrinkles her forehead tentatively, "But what if you just want ONE kid to come" and not the whole bunch?" "Whey that's easy pet........... A call them by their surnames!
A man walked into a bar, and said................... " Damn that hurt" ! Feeble effort but still makes me smile.
An ugly girl came up to me and said, What does reincarnation mean? I said when you die you come back as something else. She said, when I come back I want to come back as a dog. I said you're not ****ing listening are you love.
Bob the builder was going through a house with the woman who owned it. She was telling him what colour to paint each room. They went into the living room and she said "I want this room to be painted a light blue." Bob went to the front door and yelled "GREEN SIDE UP!" When he went back into the house, she told him that the dining room was to be bright red. Bob went to the front door and yelled "GREEN SIDE UP!" When he went back into the house, she told him that the kitchen was to be lilac. Bob went to the front door and yelled "GREEN SIDE UP!" When he came back, the lady was pretty curious, so she asked him "I keep telling you colours, but you go out the front and yell 'green side up'. What is that for? "Oh don't worry about that" says Bob "I've got a couple of Geordies laying the turf out front."
Am i redeemed with this one Syd? A Geordie and a Mackem get into a nasty car accident. Both vehicles are really wrecked, but amazingly neither of them are hurt. After they crawl out of their cars, the Geordie says, "so you're a Mackem, that's interesting. I'm a Geordie! Just look at our cars. There's nothing left but, fortunately, we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace the rest of our days." The Mackem replied, "I totally agree - this must be a sign from God!" The Mackem went on, "and look at this - here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of whisky didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink it, to celebrate the fact we are alive and kicking?" He hands the bottle to the Geordie who nods his head in agreement, opens it and takes few big swigs from the bottle, then hands it back to the Mackem. The Mackem takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the Geordie. The Geordie asks, "aren't you having any?" The Mackem replies, "nah...I think I'll just wait for the police......"
A doctor in Sunderland, wants to get off work and go on holiday, so he approaches his assistant. Geordie, I am going on holiday tomorrow and don't want to close the clinic, he says. 'I want you to take care of the clinic and all my patients.' 'Nee problem' answers Geordie, get yersell away and enjoy your Hols. The doctor goes on his holiday to Magaluf, returns the following week and asks, 'Well Geordie, how was it while I was away?' Geordie tells him that he took care of three patients all week 'The first one had a headache, so I give him Paracetemol.' 'Well done Geordie, and the second one?' asks the doctor. 'The second one had stomach burning and I gave him some Settlers, says Geordie. 'Very well done Geordie! You're good at this. And what about the third one?' 'Well that one was a bit of a tricky one, I was sitting here and all of a sudden the door burst open and a woman from Seaburn comes a running into the room and quick as a flash she rips her clothes off, tearing off every stitch of clothing including her bra and her panties, and she jumped up on the table. She spreads her legs and shouts, 'Help me, I beg you! It's been five years since I've seen a man!' 'Jesus Christ' Geordie, what did you do?' ........... 'I put drops in her eyes.'
