Pierre, a brave French fighter pilot, takes his girlfriend, Marie, out for a pleasant little picnic by the River Seine. Itâs a beautiful day, and love is in the air. Marie leans over to Pierre and says: "Pierre, kiss me!" Our hero grabs a bottle of Merlot wine and splashes it on Marieâs lips."What are you doing, Pierre?", says the startled Marie. "I am Pierre the fighter pilot! When I have red meat, I have red wine!" She smiles and they start kissing. When things began to heat up a little, Marie says, "Pierre, kiss me lower." Our hero tears her blouse open, grabs a bottle of Chardonnay and starts pouring it all over her breasts."Pierre! What are you doing?", asks the bewildered Marie. "I am Pierre the fighter pilot! When I have white meat, I have white wine!" They resume their passionate interlude and things really steam up. Marie leans close to his ear and whispers, Pierre, kiss me lower!" Our hero rips off her underwear, grabs a bottle of Cognac and pours it in her lap. He then strikes a match and lights it. Marie shrieks and dives into the river. Standing waist deep in the water, Marie throws her arms upwards and screams furiously, "PIERRE, WHAT IN THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOUâRE DOING?" Our hero stands up defiantly and says, "I am Pierre the fighter pilot! If I go down, I go down in flames!"
Paddy and Murphy went out in a hired boat, lake fishing for trout. They pulled in fish after fish but soon it got dark and they would have to row to shore. Paddy says "Its a shame we have to go in when theres so many fish here". Murphy says "Its OK we'll come back tomorrow". Paddy says "But we might not come back to the same spot". Murphy says "Its OK, I'll put a chalk line on teh side of the boat". PAddy says "Don't be feckin stupid . . . . we might not get the same boat!"
A sailor meets a pirate in a pub, and talk turns to their adventures on the sea, The sailor notices that the pirate has a peg-leg, an hook, and an eye patch. The sailor asks, "So, how did you end up with the peg-leg?" Well the pirate replies "We were in a storm at sea, and I was swept over board into a school of sharks. Just as my men were pulling me out, a shark bit my leg off." "Wow!" said the sailor. "What about your hook"? "Well...", replied the pirate, "We were boarding an enemy ship and were battling the other sailors with swords when one of the enemy cut my hand off." "Incredible!" remarked the seaman. "How did you get the eye patch"? "Some seagull **** fell into my eye.", replied the pirate. "You lost your eye to some seagull ****?" the sailor asked increduously. "Well...", said the pirate, "..it was my first day with the hook." ILD OTBC
I was in the pub the other night and an old boy was sat at the bar with his dog nestled under his stool. The dog was licking his knob and I joked "I wish I could do that". The old boy said "give him a biscuit and he'll probably let you". ILD OTBC
Three Blondes were on the beach, when one of them found an old lamp in the sand. She picked it up and wiped it on her skirt to get the dirt off. Suddenly a Genie appeared from the lamp, had a look round and said; as there's three of you, I will grant you one wish each. The first blonde said, I'm fed up with being stupid, I wish I was cleverer. "Whoosh", from the smoke appeared a Redhead. The second blonde seeing what just happened, said I want to be cleverer than the Redhead. "Whoosh", from the smoke appeared a Brunette. The third blonde thought for a moment, then said I want to be cleverer than both of those two. "Woosh", from the smoke, appeared a................ MAN. ILD OTBC
Popped in the chippy last night and asked for cod and chips twice. The old girl behind the counter said "I heard you the first time".
A drunk gets up from the bar and heads for the bathroom. A few minutes, a loud, blood curdling scream is heard. A few minutes after that, another loud scream reverberates through the bar. The bartender goes to investigate why the drunk is screaming. "What's all the screaming about in there?" he yells. "You're scaring my customers!" "I'm just sitting here on the toilet," slurs the drunk, "and every time I try to flush, something comes up and squeezes the hell out of my balls." With that, the bartender looks in and says, "You idiot! You're sitting on the mop bucket!"
A woman goes to her gynaecologist for a check up. She gets up into the stirrups, and he starts his examination. "Ah" he says, "you've got trouble with your aviaries". "Don't you mean ovaries?" she inquires. "No, avaries" he says "I can see you've had a cockatoo in here".
How do you put a giraffe into a refrigerator in three moves? 1. You open the fridge door; 2. You put the giraffe in; 3. You close the fridge door. ILD OTBC
And how do you put in an elephant in the fridge in four moves? 1. You open the fridge door; 2. You take out the giraffe; 3. You put the elephant in; 4. You close the fridge door. ILD OTBC
How do you kill a red elephant? With the special gun for shooting red elephants. How do you kill a blue elephant? You slap it until it turns red and then shoot it with the special gun for shooting red elephants. How do you kill a yellow elephant? Strangle it until he turns blue, then slap it until it turns red and then kill it with the special gun for shooting red elephants. How do you kill a black elephant? Don't be daft, there's no such thing as a Black elephant! ILD OTBC
The local news station was interviewing an 84-year-old lady because she had just gotten married for the fourth time. The interviewer asked her questions about her life, about what it felt like to be marrying again at 84, and then about her new husband's occupation. "He's a funeral director," she answered. "Interesting," the newsman said. He then asked her if she wouldn't mind telling him a little about her first three husbands and what they did for a living. She paused for a few moments, needing time to reflect on all those years. After a short time, a smile came to her face and she answered proudly, explaining that she first married a banker when she was in her early 20's, then a circus ringmaster when in her 40's, later on a vicar when in her 60's, and now, in her 80's, a funeral director. The interviewer looked at her, quite astonished, and asked why she had married four men with such diverse careers. "Easy, son," she smiled. "I married one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go!"
There were these twin sisters just turning one hundred years old in St. Luke's Nursing Home and the editor of the local newspaper told a photographer to get over there and take the pictures of these 100 year old twin biddies. One of the twins was hard of hearing but the other could hear quite well. The photographer asked them to sit on the sofa. The deaf one said to her twin, "WHAT DID HE SAY?" "WE GOTTA SIT OVER THERE ON THE SOFA!", said the other. "Now get a little closer together", said the cameraman. Again, "WHAT DID HE SAY?" "HE SAYS SQUEEZE TOGETHER A LITTLE". So, they wiggled up close to each other. "Just hold on for a bit longer, I've got to focus a little," said the photographer. Yet again - "WHAT DID HE SAY?" "HE SAYS HE'S GONNA FOCUS!" With a big grin the deaf twin shouted out, "OH MY GOD - BOTH OF US?
