A man walks into a sex shop and tells the woman behind the counter he’s looking for a blow up doll. The woman asks "Would you like a christian or muslim doll?" Confused the man says "What’s the difference?" "Well," replies the woman, "the muslim one blows herself up!"
Defense Attorney: Will you please state your age? Little Old Lady: I am 94 years old. Defense Attorney: Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened the night of April 1st? Little Old Lady: There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front porch on a warm spring evening, when a young man comes creeping up on the porch and sat down beside me. Defense Attorney: Did you know him? Little Old Lady: No, but he sure was friendly. Defense Attorney: What happened after he sat down? Little Old Lady: He started to rub my thigh. Defense Attorney: Did you stop him? Little Old Lady: No, I didn't stop him. Defense Attorney: Why not? Little Old Lady: It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Albert died some 30 years ago. Defense Attorney: What happened next? Little Old Lady: He began to rub my breasts. Defense Attorney: Did you stop him then? Little Old Lady: No, I did not stop him. Defense Attorney: Why not? Little Old Lady: His rubbing made me feel all alive and excited. I haven't felt that good in years! Defense Attorney: What happened next? Little Old Lady: Well, by then, I was feeling so 'spicy' that I just laid down and told him 'Take me, young man. Take me now!' Defense Attorney: Did he take you? Little Old Lady: Hell, no! He just yelled, ' April Fool!' And that's when I shot him, the little bastard
Three men - a Canadian farmer, Osama bin Laden and an Aussie are all walking together one day... They come across a lantern and a Genie pops out of it. 'I will give each of you one wish, which is three wishes in total', says the Genie. The Canadian says, 'I am a farmer and my son will also farm. I want the land to be forever fertile in Canada ' ****! With the blink of the Genie's eye, the land in Canada was forever fertile for farming. Osama was amazed, so he said, 'I want a wall around Afghanistan , Palestine , Iraq and Iran so that no infidels, Americans or Canadians can come into our precious land.' ****! Again, with the blink of the Genie's eye, there was a huge wall around those countries. The Aussie says, 'I am very curious. Please tell me more about this wall.' The Genie explains, 'Well, it's about 5,000 feet high, 5oo feet thick and completely surrounds the countries. Nothing can get in or out; it's virtually impenetrable.' The Aussie sits down on his Harley , cracks a beer, lights a cigarette, smiles and says, 'Fill the ****er with water.'
My girlfriend told me Davy Jones from the Monkees had died. I thought she was joking, but then I saw her face.
One day a biker dies and finds himself in hell. As he is wallowing in despair, he has his first meeting with the devil... Satan: "Why so glum?" Biker : "Why do you think? I'm in hell!" Satan: "Hell's not so bad. We actually have a lot of fun down here. You a drinking man?" Biker : "Sure, I love to drink." Satan: "Well, you're gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays, that's all we do is drink. Whiskey, tequila, Guinness, wine coolers, Tab, and Fresca. We drink 'til we throw up and then we drink some more! And you don't have to worry about getting a hangover, because you're dead anyway." Biker : "Gee that sounds great!" Satan: "You a smoker?" Biker : "You better believe it." Satan: "All right! You're gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from all over the world, and smoke our lungs out. If you get cancer, no biggie, you're already dead, remember?" Biker : "Wow...that's awesome!" Satan: "I bet you like to gamble." Biker : "Why, yes, as a matter of fact I do." Satan: "Good, ‘cause Wednesdays you can gamble all you want. Craps, blackjack, roulette, poker, slots, whatever. If you go bankrupt, it doesn't matter, you're dead anyhow." Biker : "Cool!" Satan: "What about Drugs?" Biker : "Are you kidding? Love drugs! You don't mean...?" Satan: "That's right! Thursday is drug day.. Help yourself to a great big bowl of crack or smack. Smoke a doobie the size of a submarine. You can do all the drugs you want. You're dead so who cares." Biker : "Wow! I never realized Hell was such a cool place!" Satan: "You gay?" Biker : "No..." Satan: "Ooooh, Fridays are gonna be tough...
A pound coin was thrown onto the pitch at Ibrox. Police are trying to determine whether it was a missile or a takeover bid.
Irish vs. The French! The French President is sitting in his office when his telephone rings. 'Hallo, Mr. Sarkozy!' a heavily accented voice said. 'This is Paddy down at the Harp Pub in County Clare , Ireland . I am ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring war on you! We voted to reject the Lisbon treaty!' 'Well Paddy, Sarkozy replied. How big is your army?' 'Right now,' says Paddy, after a moment's calculation, 'there is myself, me Cousin Sean, me next door neighbour Seamus, and the entire darts team from the pub. That makes eleven!' Sarkozy paused. 'I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100,000 men in my army waiting to move on my command.' 'Begorra!' says Paddy. 'I'll have to ring you back.' Sure enough, the next day, Paddy calls again. 'Mr. Sarkozy, the war is still on. We have managed to get us some infantry equipment!' 'And what equipment would that be Paddy?' Sarkozy asks. 'Well, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Murphy's farm tractor.' Sarkozy sighs amused. 'I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 6,000 tanks and 5,000 armoured personnel carriers. Also, I have increased my army to 150,000 since we last spoke.' 'Saints preserve us!' says Paddy. 'I'll have to get back to you.' Sure enough, Paddy rings again the next day. 'Mr. Sarkozy, the war is still on! We have managed to get ourselves airborne! We have modified Jackie McLaughlin's ultra-light with a couple of shotguns in the cockpit, and four boys from the Shamrock Bar have joined us as well!' Sarkozy was silent for a minute and then cleared his throat. 'I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100 bombers and 200 fighter planes. My military bases are surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites. And since we last spoke, I have increased my army to 200, 000!' 'Jesus, Mary, and Joseph!' says Paddy, 'I will have to ring you back.' Sure enough, Paddy calls again the next day. 'Top o' the mornin', Mr. Sarkozy! I am sorry to inform you that we have had to call off the war.' 'Really? I am sorry to hear that,' says Sarkozy. 'Why the sudden change of heart?' 'Well,' says Paddy, 'we had a long chat over a few pints of Guinness and packets of crisps, and we decided there is no f****n' way we can feed 200,000 prisoners.'
was walking down cardiff high st this morning when i saw a cardiff season ticket nailed to a fence i know it was bad of me but i grabbed it and took it home never know when you might need a nail
An Aussie walks into a pub and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance then casually looks at his watch for a moment. The woman notices this and asks, 'Is your date running late?' 'No', he replies,'I just got this state-of the-art watch, and I was just testing it..' The intrigued woman says, 'a state-of-the-art watch? ''What's so special about it?' The Aussie explains, 'It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically.' The lady says, 'What's it telling you now?' Well, it says you're not wearing any panties.' The woman giggles and replies: 'Well it must be broken because I am wearing panties!' The Aussie smiles, taps his watch and says, ' Bloody thing's an hour fast!'
A farmer named Patrick lived alone in the countryside with a pet dog which he loved and doted on. After many long years of companionship, the dog finally died so Patrick went to the parish priest. "Father, my dear old dog is dead. Could you be saying a mass for the creature?" Father O'Reilly replied, "I am so very sorry to hear about your dog`s death but, unfortunately, we cannot have services for an animal in the church. However, there`s a new denomination down the road, no telling what they believe, but maybe they`ll do something for the animal." Patrick said, "I'll go right now. Do you think $500 is enough to donate for the service?" Father O'Reilly replied, "$500? Why didn't you tell me the dog was Catholic?"
. Dr. Smith's Prescriptions A flat-chested young lady went to Dr. Smith about enlarging her breasts Dr. Smith advised her, 'Every day after your shower, rub your chest and say, 'Scooby doobie doobies, I want bigger boobies!' She did this faithfully for several months! To her utter amazement she grew terrific D-cup boobs! One morning she was running late, got on the bus, and in a panic realized she had forgotten her morning ritual. Frightened she might lose her lovely b00bs if she didn't recite the little rhyme, she stood up in the middle aisle of the bus, closed her eyes and said, 'Scooby doobie, doobies, I want bigger boobies.' A guy sitting nearby looked at her and asked, 'Oh! Are you a patient of Dr. Smith’s? 'Yes I am... How did you know?' He winked and replied, " Hickory dickory dock "
HOW TO START A FIGHT One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift... The next year, I didn't buy her a gift. When she asked me why, I replied, "Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!" And that's how the fight started..... ________________________________ My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have Sex?' 'No,' she answered. I then said, 'Is that your final answer?' She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..' So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend." And that's when the fight started... ________________________________ My wife and I were sitting at a table at her school reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table. I asked her, "Do you know him?" "Yes", she sighed, "He's my old boyfriend. I understand he took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn't been sober since." "My G od!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?" And then the fight started... ________________________________ When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat, making beer... Always something more important to me. Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point. When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush. I said, "When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway." The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp. ______________________________ My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels. She asked, "What's on TV?" I said, "Dust." And then the fight started... ________________________________ Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat up to the van and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day. I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back; now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible." My loving wife of 5 years replied, "And, can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?" And that's how the fight started.... _______________________________ My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary. She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds." I bought her a bathroom scale. And then the fight started...... ______________________________ After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's License to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later. The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application. When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office. She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability too.' And then the fight started... ________________________________ My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She was not happy with what she saw and said to me, "I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.' I replied, "Your eyesight's darn near perfect." And then the fight started... ________________________________ I rear-ended a car this morning...the start of a REALLY bad day! The driver got out of the other car, and he was a DWARF!! He looked up at me and said 'I am NOT Happy!' So I said, 'Well, which one ARE you then?' That's how the fight started.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Tim joins a very exclusive nudist colony... On his first day there, he takes off his clothes and starts to wander around. A gorgeous petite blonde walks by, and the man immediately gets an erection. The woman notices his erection, comes over to him and says, 'Did you call for me?' The man replies, 'No, what do you mean?' She says, 'You must be new here. Let me explain. It's a rule here that if you get an erection, it implies you called for me.' Smiling, she leads him to the side of the swimming pool, lies down on a towel, eagerly pulls him to her and happily lets him have his way with her. The man continues to explore the colony's facilities. He enters the sauna and, as he sits down, he farts.... Within minutes, a huge, hairy man lumbers out of the steam-room toward him, 'Did you call for me?' says the hairy man. 'No, what do you mean?' says the newcomer. 'You must be new,' says the hairy man, 'it's a rule that if you fart, it implies that you called for me.' The huge man easily spins him around, bends him over a bench and has his way with him. The newcomer staggers back to the colony office, where he is greeted by the smiling, naked receptionist, 'May I help you?' she says. The man yells, 'Here's my membership card. You can have the key back and you can keep the £500 membership fee.' 'But, Sir,' she replies, 'you've only been here for a few hours. You haven't had the chance to see all our facilities.' Tim replies, 'Listen lady, I'm 60 years old. I only get an erection once a month. I fart 35 times a day!!'
My missus said to me today"Have you noticed anything different about me"..so quick as a flash i said "New hairdo" NO "New Dress" NO "New shoes" NO er "New perfume" NO...ok i give up what is it "I'm wearing a ****ing gas mask...you BASTARD"..Oooops
was devastated to find out my wife was having an affair but, by turning to religion, I was soon able to come to terms with the whole thing. I converted to Islam, and we're stoning her in the morning. ----------------------------------------------------------- The wife suggested I get myself one of those penis enlargers, so I did....... she's 21 and her name's Lucy. ----------------------------------------------------------- Went to the pub with my girlfriend last night. Locals were shouting "*****phile" and other names at me, just because my girlfriend is 21 and I'm 50. It completely spoiled our 10th anniversary. ----------------------------------------------------------- The thing I love most about hot weather is the short skirts and low cut tops.... although, they do make me look a bit gay. ----------------------------------------------------------- Following the tragic death of the Human Cannonball at the Kent Show, a spokesman said "We'll struggle to get another man of the same calibre." ----------------------------------------------------------- My son was thrown out of school today for letting a girl in his class give him a hand-job. I said "Son, that's 3 schools this year. You'd better stop before you're banned from teaching altogether." ----------------------------------------------------------- Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a brick? A: The brick doesn't follow you home after you lay it. Just been to the gym. They've got a new machine in. Only used it for half an hour, as I started to feel sick.It's great though. It does everything - KitKats, Mars Bars, Snickers, Crisps, the lot.." ----------------------------------------------------------- Question - Are there too many immigrants in Britain ? 17% said yes; 11% said No; 72% said "I am notunderstanding the question please." ----------------------------------------------------------- On my Census form there is a question "Do you have any dependents?" Apparently putting "Hundreds of Africans, Pakistanis, Somalis, single mums, Romanians, loafers, smack heads, and non-English speaking people" isn't the right answer. They've sent my form back. ----------------------------------------------------------- The queen says she doesn't want the traditional fruit cake at her jubilee celebrations. Prince Phillip says he doesn't give a toss, he's still going. ----------------------------------------------------------- The cost of living has now gotten so bad that my wife is having sex with me because she can't afford batteries. ----------------------------------------------------------- Some bastard's just pinched a pair of my wife's knickers off the washing line. She's not bothered about the knickers but she wants the 12 clothes pegs back
The Husband Store A store that sells new husbands has opened in Manchester , just off Deansgate where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates: You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building! So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads: Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads: Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids. 'That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more.' So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads: Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking. 'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going. She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads: Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework... 'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!' Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads: Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak. She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads: Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor.. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store. PLEASE NOTE: To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street with the same rules. The first floor has wives that love sex. The second floor has wives that love sex and have money and like beer The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.
CARDIOLOGIST'S FUNERAL This would be an acceptable reason to laugh at a funeral... A very prestigious cardiologist died, and was given a very elaborate funeral by the hospital he worked for most of his life... A huge heart.... covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service as all the doctors from the hospital sat in awe. Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside. The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever. At that point, one of the mourners just burst into laughter. When all eyes stared at him, he said, 'I'm so sorry... I was just thinking of my own funeral...I'm a Gynaecologist!' The priest fainted!
