Rod Stewart & Elton John are walking through Queens Park in Glasgow. They spot a young woman dressed in a mini skirt on her hands & knees with her head stuck through the railings. Rod cant resist & mounts her from the back & hammers away. When he's done he turns to Elton & says "come on Elton it's your turn." " Don't be silly Rod, my head will never fit through those railings"
I went to my doctor and told him, "Hey, Doc! I just took an entire bottle of sleeping pills. What should I do?" He said, "Go home, have a couple of drinks, and get some rest!!"
Police arrested two Newcastle fans yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one - and let the other one off.
Mine too but then again they all are. I recommend you go and see Tim Vine and the first opportunity you'd love him.
Not really a joke its from the onion but being of a scientific bent I think this is brill. World's Scientists Admit They Just Don't Like Mice ZURICH, SWITZERLANDâNearly 700 scientists representing 27 countries convened at the University of Zurich Monday to formally announce that their experimentation on mice has been motivated not by a desire to advance human knowledge, but out of sheer distaste for the furry little rodents. Enlarge Image White examines detested specimens in his Oxford lab. "As a man of science, I deal with facts, and the fact is that mice are gross," said Dr. Douglas White, chair of the Oxford biogenetics department and lifelong mouse-hater. "They're squirmy, scurrying little vermin, and they make my skin crawl. I speak for all of my assembled colleagues when I say that the horrible little things deserve the worst we can dish out." According to a 500-word statement, scientists hate mice for "their beady little eyes," "their repulsive tails," and "the annoying little squeaking sounds they make." At the press conference, several scientists detailed their involvement in the centuries-long ruse of "conducting experiments" and "curing diseases." "For years, I've used lab mice to research cell breakdown in living tissueâand I've been lucky enough to make some pretty important medical advancements along the way," said researcher Ellen Gresham of the Harvard Institute for Advanced Studies. "But even if there were no scientific benefit to the work I do, I'd still experiment on mice, just to watch them suffer." "The truth is, mice are particularly ill-suited for our tissue study," Gresham added. "We could construct a computer model that would yield more accurate results, but we don't care." According to Gresham, scientists have enjoyed dissolving mice in acid, spinning them in centrifuges, blowing them up in vacuum chambers, and forcing them to navigate exit-free mazes for yearsâall the while towering above them, laughing. "Every high-pitched squeak from the holding area is a warm reminder that the mice desperately want to escape," said Dr. Frances Villalobos, a contagious-disease researcher at the University of Mexico. "All they want to do is get out from behind those bars so they can chew on everything, defecate all over, and poke their filthy twitching faces into piles of garbage. Well, I know of at least 80 little test subjects who won't be doing any more of that. They're headed straight for the dissection lab." Enlarge Image A University of Miami researcher injects dye into a mouse's eyeball "for the heck of it." Villalobos said he spent six months writing a grant proposal that provided him with funding to inject mice with the smallpox virus. "It kills me that I can't infect the control group," Villalobos said. "Unfortunately, if I infect them, I'll throw off my results. But once I complete this experiment, I'll rotate the control group into the hot seat. Don't you worry. They'll get what's coming to them." After applauding the scientists for coming forward, anthropologist Brent Wrigley suggested that the hatred of mice may be the single most important factor in the evolution of modern science. "Despising mice may have pushed humanity out of the Stone Age," Wrigley said. "After all, the cave habitats of early man must have been infested with the horrific little monsters. The entire history of human advancement via the scientific method may be a byproduct of the higher forebrain's natural revulsion toward the nasty critters." Mouse-killing isn't solely the province of organic and medical scientists. Many other scientists kill mice, as well. "As a physicist, I don't really have much cause to use mice in my regular research, which mostly requires the use of theoretical math," said Dr. Thomas Huber, author of the 1996 study Mouse Elasticity And Kinetic Rebound In High-Acceleration Collisions. "But when I have the time, I like to send them flying into walls. Even just seeing them in a cage makes me feel kind of good inside. I like knowing I'm depriving them of their freedom, even if my research doesn't provide me the opportunity to cut them open." "I hate those little ****ers," he added.
I was playing golf the other week with a coupole of my mates and we were going along the 4th and saw the Lady Captain, who was playing the 1st, taking a dump in the woods. My mate says "I bet she doesn't wipe her arse" so I took that bet arguing that "she is Lady Captain - the model of decorum in the club, of course she'll wipe her arse". Our tenners were agreed upon when he walked over and shouted "Aftyernoon Lady Captain" - I've never seen someone pull up their trousers vso quickly!!
A man and a woman are well into their 80's and have been married for 60 years. Since day one of the marriage the woman has insisted they live a healthy lifestyle. What food they couldn't grow in their garden they bought fresh every day. None of that fast food rubbish for them. They went for long walks, went swimming and to the gym to keep fit. They consider this has been the principal contribution to their long lives. One day they are out in a car which is in an accident and sadly they are both killed. Obviously the cause of their demise has nothing to do with their way of life. They go up to heaven together and are met at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter. He looks in the book which tells of everyone who has ever lived and says 'With your impeccable lives you have no problem in entering the Kingdom Of Heaven.' At which point the gates open and in they walk. St. Peter says 'My first task is to show you around'. Which he does and they eventually arrive at a magnificent mansion with beautifully tendered lawns and flowers of all different colours and scents in full bloom. The old guy asks 'Is this where God lives?' 'No' says St. Peter 'This is your home for all eternity.' The old man looks and says 'I could never afford the upkeep on a place like this.' St. Peter replies 'This is heaven, everything is free.' Outside the mansion is a big limousine and St. Peter says 'This is your mode of transport.' The old fellow replies 'I can't afford to run a car like this.' and St. Peter replies ' Don't worry as I told you everything here is free. Now that concludes my showing you around but have you any questions before I go?' 'Yes' says the old man 'I played a lot of golf down on Earth. Will I be able to do that here.' St. Peter says 'Come with me'. They go through a gate at the side of the estate onto a magnificent 18 hole Championship golf course. The man says 'I couldn't afford to be a member of a club like this'. St. Peter says 'As I keep saying everything is free in heaven. But one word of warning if you hit a bad shot it stays a bad shot it doesn't change into a good shot because this is heaven. Anyway when you want to play just turn up at the first hole there will always be someone waiting to play.' The old man looks at his wife and says in an angry voice 'You know I blame you for all this.' After all that they have seen the wife is surprised and says 'What do you mean?' 'Well' he answers 'If it hadn't been for your healthy living we could've been here 20 years ago.'
