Done to death I know but given whatâs been said lately ANYONE'S welcome to join in this morning, sorry evening with a little light hearted laughter. Calling all resident wise crackers, you know who you are. WARNING - Yellow cards will be issued for infractions so play nice A married couple are driving along a motorway doing a steady 60 miles per hour. The wife is behind the wheel. Her husband suddenly looks across at her and speaks in a clear voice. "I know we've been married for twenty years, but I want a divorce." The wife says nothing, Keeps looking at the road ahead but slowly increases her speed to 65 mph. The husband speaks again. "I don't want you to try and talk me out of it," He says, "because I've been having an affair with your best friend, And she's a far better lover than you are." Again the wife stays quiet, But grips the steering wheel more tightly and slowly increases the speed to 75 He pushes his luck. "I want the house," he says insistently.. Up to 80 . "I want the car, too," he continues. 85 mph. "And," he says, "I'll have the bank accounts, all the credit cards and the boat!" The car slowly starts veering towards a massive concrete bridge. This makes him nervous, so he asks her, "Isn't there anything you want?" The wife at last replies in a quiet and controlled voice. "No, I've got everything I need," she says. "Oh, really," he inquires, "so what have you got?" Just before they slam into the wall at 85 mph,The wife turns to him and smiles. [NSFW]"The airbag." [/NSFW]
Man goes to see a psychiatrist and the psychiatrist takes his coat and directs him to sit on the couch - the psychiatrist asks what he can do for the man and the man explains that he would like a recurring dream explained to him. The psychiatrist tells the man to tell him about the dream so the man begins "It starts when I am walking on the plains in Africa and as I emerge from a clump of gass there is a lioness lying on the plain. I do not know what it is - whether its her scent or just how majestic she looks but I feel compelled to mount her. I creep up on her from behind lift her tail up and enter her at which point she purrs contentedly. I then proceed to ride her for an hour upon which she achieves a shuddering orgasm." At this point the psychiatrist throws his coat at him and tells the man to get out. The man asks whats wrong? and the psychiatrist says "just get out you lion f***er."
I was at my divorce settlement yesterday, when I announced I would like to make a suggestion. They agreed, so, I told them, "She can have the car, the house, all the funds in our joint account and full custody of our children on one condition... I get to keep whatever I have in my pocket." "It's a deal," my wife said, with a smug look on her face before I said... [NSFW]"You obviously didn't check the lottery numbers last night, did you?[/NSFW]
An aeroplane is about to crash. A woman passenger jumps up screeming" oh my god I'm going to die, is there a man on here you can make me feel like a woman before I die?" A man stands up and takes off his shirt & pants & throws them at her saying "here, iron those".
A man drives to a 24hr garage at night & asks the girl at the hatch "can I have a KitKat chunky?" She go's away and brings him one. "No I wanted a normal Kit Kat you fat ****.
Bloke walks into a bar with a 6 foot blonde and a dwarf - they approach the bar and the bloke orders two pints of lager and bacardi and coke for the woman - the dwarf says "its your round i'm not paying for them". They drink these and the bloke orders the same drinks and the dwarf says "its your round i'm not paying for them". This goes on all night and the barmans curiosity gets the better of him so he ask the bloke whats the score here so the bloke replies " I was walking along the beach and I found this bottle so I picked it up and rubbed it then this genie came out and said he would grant me two wishes so for my first wish i asked for two million pounds and for my second wish I asked for...... a big blonde with a tight little c**t.
