A piece of black tarmac goes into a pub & shouts "I'm the hardest bastard around & I'll fight anyone in here."He looks around the pub & sees that everyone is staring into their pints, totally avoiding eye contact. He orders a pint from the barman & looks around, from time to time, with a menacing look on his face, staying at the bar. About ten minutes later a piece of red tarmac walks into the pub. He stops, looks around, then shouts " I'm the hardest bastard around & I'll fight anyone in here." He looks around & nobody says a word. He orders a pint & goes and sits at a table in the corner. The barman says to the piece of black tarmac, " I thought you were prepared to fight anybody in here." "Well," says the black tarmac, " I was until I saw him - he's a cycle path."
A dwarf is standing at a bar next to a tall, gorgeous blonde girl. "Is that your feet I can smell?" says the dwarf. "Certainly not you cheeky little man!" says the blonde. "Oh it must be your fanny then."
I see they've just found 2 Geordies, alive & well, on the Costa Concordia. The Rescuers couldn't believe it when they entered the small concert room, deep within the wreckage. When asked why they hadn't left weeks ago one of them replied, " well alls I heard was someone shouting a band on ship."
I went up to an Essex girl in the bar earlier and called her a slag. "I'm not a slag" she exclaimed "I can count every bloke I've shagged with one finger" "Go on then?" i asked. She pointed to a group of men and said "I've ****ed him, him, him, him and him."
Two blokes talking in a pub. One of them says, "I hear that the bird who playes Pussey Galore(James Bond) cracked her fanny. His mate says," Honor Blackman?" "No," says his mate." On a dildo."
