I got a wedding tomorrow

How do I fit in with normal people? I have no idea how I should strike up any decent conversations.. Any help will be gratefully taken and used!

 

Finger the oldest woman you can find and set up a small stall charging 10p for a sniff. You'll be raking it in.

 

My mum it is then

 

When the person in charge of the ceremony says, "Does anyone know of any lawful impediment....." you've got to jump up and shout Hulabaloo and start off a conga down the aisle.

 

Buy them drinks, get your cock out. Works for me.

 

I will probably find a way to embarrass myself

 

It's your duty. If the bride isny in tears before the night is out then it's a fail.

 

My tip is to take a short length of string with you (about 4 or 5 inches) and let it dangle out of the corner of your mouth. People will give you a wide berth and won't try to engage you in conversation.

Bonus: this tip also works when you don't want people to sit beside you on public transport and you've left your plastic dog turd at home.

 

My mate and my bird's mate pretended to be a married couple for a laugh. One of her colleagues asked him how old their two kids were and he shrugged and said "I dunno".

Make up as many lies as you can.

 

Yell out to the bride, "Show us ya' pink bits."

 

I love weddings.

I get to go to a public gathering wearing no trousers.

****in' love it

 

Kilts are brilliant. Ye can have a pish wihtoot puttin yer beer and yer smoke doon. Hem of the kilt in the teeth and let rip.

 

The breeze roon' yer baws.

Sitting in a public building knowing yer haw maws are swinging free.

Cannae beat it

 

It's ****in brilliant. Not to mention the wimmin that insist on havin a swatch up yer kilt.

 

I knew a guy got married in rural Italy a couple of years ago (marrying an Italian lassie).

We went to the church in this village behind a piper and it was the talk of the area for weeks beforehand - local papers were there and the women (particularly, the really old ones ) were lining the streets when we were "comin' down the road".

It was part freakshow, part elderly lust.

It was a ****in' laugh, at least

 

You lot north of the border are ****ing weird

 

Did you get a gumjob?

 

I have to wear trousers I'm afraid and I don't really want to shout stuff at the bride due to her being my sister

 

Just be yourself Saints.

Worked for me at the last wedding and they even kindly released me early.

 

Quickly survey the scene to locate the smartest lassie without a bloke, march straight over and say "how heavy is a polar bear?", she will respond "I don't know", simply reply "heavy enough to break the ice, hello I'm ..................." Boom you're off and running regardless whether she finds that humourous or sickly. Then just ask questions about them and pretend to be at least remotely interested.