Top tip of the day

Dont answer the phone if you have been on the p**s and then decided to do the ironing

 

Don't pick that raisin up off the floor and eat it assuming it will be all right.
Especially if you have a pet Guinea Pig.

 

Never tell your wife that you would love a threesome with her sister, especially when drunk cos mustard on your bellend ****ing stings like **** when you wake up.

 

Now you fecking tell me.

 

I should also add that it doesn't work if you replace sister with neighbour, why can't i keep my gob shut when i'm drunk?

 

Avoid prolonged exposure to sunlight between dawn & dusk if you’re a vampire

 

Shoppers: get 2 for the price of one by placing one item in your trolley and concealing the extra item in a large baggy t-shirt

 

Men save on washing and therefore help save the environment simply wear your underpants all week then wear them inside out the next week

 

Want to tell if someone is a football fan?
Get 2 t-shirts made up, one with 'I love football' on the front and another with 'I am a glory seeking penis'. It is an undisputed medical fact that people who claim to support Manchester United are all penises and will always choose the latter.

 

Canvas Tote Sydbag

Transform a canvas tote into a "doggie bag." A U-shaped cutout lets your small pooch enjoy the scenery.

 

If you want it done right, do it yourself
As any successful business owner will tell you, don’t become too fond of the term 'delegate'. Don’t learn the hard way that you can never trust anyone other than yourself to make your business successful. Individuals or companies may make promises when wanting to partner or join your company, but you can never sit back and expect anything to be done to your expectations because no one will ever care as much about your company as you do. While it is okay to enlist support, make sure you follow through and monitor what is going on at all times to avoid costly mistakes that could reflect poorly on you and your company.

 

Eat s**t - surely 50 billion flies can't be wrong !

 

If you get a leg amputated make friends with someone who has had the other leg off then you can go halfies on shoes

 

Knowing my luck i'd make friends with someone with smaller feet (foot) and i'd be walking round crippled

 

Don't buy your bird the morning after pill for valentines day...

They're pricey and unappreciated.

 

It seems a pack of Kit Kat's are not "chocolates" for Valentines day!

 

Parking the car outside of the nearest chippy and sharing a fish lot doesn't count as going out for a meal in the eyes of a lady...

 

Aye it's a bugger when they want to sit at a table in MacDonalds.

 

Parents, scare your children ****less: mix some green paint and talcum powder to cover your face and hands, you'll love when your little ones scream and ball their eyes out when you appear suddenly and shouting very loudly at them.