That reminds me of some little chap who went to a brothel and this massive bird yanked him onto the bed; didn't even have time to take off his shoes. She ripped off her clothes, and his, and pulled him in. It was like throwing a banana down an alley. After a while she said "have you taken any precautions" to which the petrified little man replied "I've tied my shoe laces to the bed rail".
"And the winner of the Britains worst Christmas jumper is..." Johns main course was a bit of a surprise to the others on come dine with me.