The Ameobi Predicament

It is with great sadness that I must post this topic, but recent events have forced my hand.

The Problem



The problem, of course, is Shola. His wretchedness has now infected our team for twelve long years and something must be done. This needs to happen for many reasons but two are paramount:

1/ The embarassment is now out of control. He is not only bringing shame to our great club but giving other teams much merriment through his awfulness.

2/ Guilt by association; we as fans react to very name Ameobi with revulsion and much dread, especially when it disgraces a team sheet. This has us judging his innocent brother Sammy for no crime except sharing the historical yet tarnished Nigerian noble name. For his career to stand any chance of success he needs a clean start and that means the removal of his elder brother.

I used to think the situation was redeemable but it has now gone beyond that stage – Shola cannot be saved. We have an obligation here. If we terminate Shola’s contract now he might end up dead or worse, in prison:



Possible Solutions

i) Assassination: Certainly offers a permanent answer but the ramifications would be significant and messy. I also feel this would be somewhat harsh on the man. He’s been bollocks for sure but death? It would be immoral and unfeasible. Furthermore, there is no need to completely wipe Shola from the face of the earth.

ii) Maiming/Injury: Perhaps paying an opposing player or even one of his own teammates to ‘do’ Shola in a match/training is the option, putting him out for a relatively short (or long, depending on the severity of the injury) amount of time. Again though it seems a bit cruel. Plus there are no guarantees with this approach.

iii) Transfer: We could of course sell Shola, but there are several issues with this. Firstly, who in their right mind would bid for him? Secondly, he probably wouldn’t leave. Finally, there is the ethical issue – could we really sleep at night knowing we had inflicted Shola on some poor team?

iv) Drop: No, not from a great height, but rather from the team. This is obviously the sensible choice but we all not it can’t happen, otherwise it would have been done long ago. Evidently, Shola continues to possess some kind of dossier featuring photos of various managers, Derek Lambias and Mike Ashley in compromising positions with men, women, and/or animals.

The Solution

The solution, I believe, is a temporary removal of Shola from the scene, just until the two Dembas come back, at which point he’ll hopefully never play again. What should happen is this:

We fake a phone call from the Nigerian F.A. to Shola, telling him that there’s been a late withdrawal and that he is needed for the African Cup of Nations. Of course, you and I know that Nigeria haven’t even qualified for the tournament, but Shola doesn’t. We get Sammy to go with him. This is viable because Sammy is injured, though it also solves the problem of what Sammy would think if his brother went missing for a few weeks without word. Anyway, the pair arrive in Lagos but are kidnapped by n’er-do-wells in the employ of Newcastle United and taken to a warehouse somewhere. They are kept under armed guard for several weeks – until the tournament is over – at which point they are released without harm and sent back to Newcastle. In the meantime, the club informs the public that the Ameobis have been taken captive on a visit to their family’s homeland.

The Aftermath

When the pair arrive back they are naturally upset but we deflect blame on the Nigerian F.A. The two Dembas are back to lead our line and the club issues a statement declaring it for the best that Shola doesn’t play again this season, given his likely psychological trauma. Come Summer we get another striker and Shola, while staying on the books for the reasons outlined above, never plays again. Everyone’s happy.

It can’t fail.

 

We need to realise he absolutely can not play as a lone striker. With a good partner he can put in a passable performance but his hold up play and work rate is absolutely dire and we need to give Best a shot with Obertan/Lovenkrands/Ben Arfa up front. It's also quite apparent that he only seems to perform when we dont really need him (earlier in the season he played well, but we had Ba, Best and Ben Arfa all fit), but is not reliable when we actually need him (last two games we have relied on him and got **** all back). I think he must handle pressure terribly.

 

same **** different game just lately

 

he didnt fancy it yesterday. most annoying thing is he can be good. i think he needs to be an impact player now from the bench.

 

You have put a lot of thought into this. I have nothing to add other than "I back your plans"

 

Great thread.

Were you on BBC 606? You remind of JPF.

 

Nutter

100% agree though.

 

His heart is in the right place... His feet just never seem to be....

 

It's crazy enough to just might work.

 

Smudger I think you've answered the wrong thread

 

.

 

Good way of putting it.

 

I think if there was an alternative we'd use it, but Lovenkrands isn't it. Obertan is even worse than Shola, Marveaux is out, so Ben Arfas on the wing. Only option is Vuckic off Best, but that's a lot of pressure on a young player.

I still don't think Shola was any worse than anyone bar Ben Arfa and Jonas yesterday though, on another day he'd have had a goal or two.

 

He is a Championship striker at the end of the day. On his day he can be awesome, but he never has that day really.

 

TBF to Shola. He is a good squad player to have. Our first team will not have him in it. However, Shola has the patience and acceptance to sit on the bench for most of a season as long as it's for NUFC.

The lad is very hit and miss. I dont think blaming Shola for yesterday's defensive debacle is correct or justified.

If the ref doesnt give a ridiculous penalty, if Williamson doesnt go walk about for the 2nd and 3rd goals and Krul mis kicks a simple clearance......maybe we will all be talking about a nice win with Shola getting on the score sheet.

Having a player willing to be a squad player are hard to find. We have one. He has his moments, leave him be.

 

Actually had two decent chances to score in the first half against Fulham and was unlucky on both I would say. Second half he was anonymous. People need to stop using the old scapegoats: Perch, Ober and Shola when we perform badly. Obviously blaming Ober is ridiculous as he didn't play and Perch was only on for 15 minutes. Shola however can't be blamed when we concede 5. It was down to poor defending from the whole back line and a few bad refereeing decisions. Although saying all that I wouldn't mind seeing him dropped for Vuckic against Brighton.

 

i agree. the loss had nothing to do with shola it was down to utterly **** defending in the second half.

 

The loss yesterday isn't Shola's fault, and to claim it is would be utterly ridiculous, but it was yet another non-performance from him, and for that he does deserve harsh criticism.

 

I think that could work and he can handle the pressure, Pards should give it a try at least. Vuckic has a beast of a shot in him.