Last night in the pub, I overheard a couple of dickheads saying that they wouldn't feel safe on an aircraft if they knew the pilot was a woman. What a pair of sexist twats. I mean, it's not as if she'd have to reverse the bloody thing!
An Irishman went to Confession in St. Patrick's Catholic Church. 'Father', he confessed, 'it has been one month since my last confession. I had sex with Kitty Green twice last month.' The priest told the sinner, 'You are forgiven. Go out and say three Hail Mary's.' Soon thereafter, another Irish man entered the confessional. 'Father, it has been two months since my last confession. I've had sex with Kitty Green twice a week for the past two months.' This time, the priest questioned, 'Who is this Kitty Green?' 'A new woman in the neighbourhood,' the sinner replied. 'Very well,' sighed the priest.. Go and say ten Hail Mary's. At mass the next Christmas morning, as the priest prepared to deliver the sermon, a tall, Voluptuous, drop-dead gorgeous redheaded woman entered the sanctuary. The eyes of every man in the church fell upon her as she slowly sashayed up the aisle and sat down right in front of the priest. Her dress was green and very short, and she wore matching, shiny emerald-green shoes. The priest and the altar boy gasped as the woman in the green dress and matching green shoes sat with her legs spread slightly apart, but just enough to realize she wasn't wearing any underwear. The priest turned to the altar boy and whispered, 'Is that Kitty Green?' The bug-eyed altar boy couldn't believe his ears but managed to calmly reply, 'No Father, I think it's just a reflection from her shoes'.
"Spare a thought for Michael O’Leary, Chief Executive of 'Ryanair'....... Arriving in a hotel in Dublin , he went to the bar and asked for a pint of draught Guinness. The barman nodded and said, "That will be one Euro please, Mr. O’Leary." Somewhat taken aback, O'Leary replied, "That's very cheap," and handed over his money. "Well, we try to stay ahead of the competition", said the barman. "And we are serving free pints every Wednesday evening from 6 until 8. We have the cheapest beer in Ireland " "That is remarkable value" Michael comments "I see you don't seem to have a glass, so you'll probably need one of ours. That will be 3 euro please." O'Leary scowled, but paid up. He took his drink and walked towards a seat. "Ah, you want to sit down?" said the barman. "That'll be an extra 2 euro. - You could have pre-book the seat, and it would have only cost you a Euro." "I think you may to be too big for the seat sir, can I ask you to sit in this frame please" Michael attempts to sit down but the frame is too small and when he can't squeeze in he complains "Nobody would fit in that little frame". "I'm afraid if you can't fit in the frame you'll have to pay an extra surcharge of €4.00 for your seat sir" O'Leary swore to himself, but paid up. "I see that you have brought your laptop with you" added the barman. "And since that wasn't pre-booked either, that will be another 3 euro." O'Leary was so annoyed that he walked back to the bar, slammed his drink on the counter, and yelled, "This is ridiculous, I want to speak to the manager". "Ah, I see you want to use the counter," says the barman, "that will be 2 euro please." O'Leary's face was red with rage. "Do you know who I am?" "Of course I do Mr. O'Leary," "I've had enough, What sort of Hotel is this? I come in for a quiet drink and you treat me like this. I insist on speaking to a manager!" "Here is his E mail address, or if you wish, you can contact him between 9am and 9.10am every morning, Monday to Tuesday at this free phone number. Calls are free, until they are answered, then there is a talking charge of only 10 cent per second" "I will never use this bar again" "OK sir, but remember, we are the only hotel in Ireland selling pints for one Euro".
I signed up to a training program that promised to turn me into a soldier in one week. I ended up with egg on my face
I was chatting over the fence to my new neighbours last night - an Asian guy and his family. He was regaling me with tales of his past adventures - climbing Mt Everest, wrestling with crocs in the Nile, hiking to Machu Picchu, white water rafting on the Amazon, skiing down Mt Erebus, rowing the Atlantic - that sort of thing. Should have guessed his name was Bindar Dundat.
A man was leaving a convenience store with his morning coffee when he noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery. A black hearse was followed by a second black hearse about 50 Feet behind the first one. Behind the second hearse was a solitary man walking a dog on a leash. Behind him, a short distance back, were about 200 men walking single file. The man couldn't stand the curiosity. He respectfully approached the man walking the dog and said, "I am so sorry for your loss, and this may be a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this. "Whose funeral is it?" "My wife's." ''What happened to her?" The man replied, "She yelled at me and my dog attacked and killed her." He inquired further, "But who is in the second hearse?" The man answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife when the dog turned on her." A very poignant and touching moment of brotherhood and silence passed between the two men. "Can I borrow the dog?" The man replied, "Get in line."
SANTA CLAUS: . 1. Wears red... 2. Good at breaking into houses... 3. Has loads of electrical goods that nobody can trace... 4. Drives an unlicensed vehicle... 5. Only does one day's work a year... . Lapland my arse - he's a Scouser !!
A Glasgow woman goes to the doctor, worried about her husband’s temper and threatening manner. The doc asks: "What's the problem, Janet? The woman says: "Weeell Doctor Cameron, I dinnae ken whit to dae. Every time ma hubbie comes home pished, he threatens to slap me aroon'." The doctor says: "Aye, well... I have a real good cure for that. When your husband arrives home intoxicated, just take a wee glass of water and start swishing it in your mouth. Just swish and swish but don't swallow it until he goes to bed and is sound asleep." Two weeks later she comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn. She says: "Doctor that wuz effin brilliant! Evrae time ma hubbie came home pished, I swished with water. I swished an' swished, and he didnae touch me even once! Tell me doc...wha's the secret? How's the water dae that?" The doctor says: "Janet hen, it's really nae big secret. The water does bugger all…it's keeping your mouth shut that does the trick..."
Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire. It sank, proving that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.
My new party trick... I swallow two pieces of string and an hour later they come out of my arse tied together..... Seriously. I sh1t you knot.
One for Norway A blind Viking orders a new kitchen for his house and pays for it to be fitted. All is going well until they go to fit the butler sink, on tightening the fittings the sink cracks and breaks in half. Now the Viking was due to visit that day and pay for the job. The only thing they could do was put a Brick Hod in te sinks place as temporary measure. The viking attended but as he could not see he ran his hands over everything, cupboards, worksurfaces even the temporary Butler Sink. At the end of his inspection he was very pleased with the job and paid the men. It just goes to show - a hods as good as a sink to a blind Norse.
A woman is given a hospital tour. She looks in a room, sees a man master bating. "Thats awful", she says to the Doctor. He explains that the man has an incurable condition. "His testicles fill with semen so fast, that he has to do it at least 5 times a day or he will be in terrible pain", says the doctor "Poor man",says the woman. They go to the next room where they see nurse is ******* a mans peni.s. "Explain that?" she says to the Doctor. The Doc says "Same condition but he's with BUPA".
Eskimo driving home from work, car breaks down. So he calls the AA......The nice man from th AA arrives and takes a look at the engine...after much rummaging and tinkering the AA man turns to the Eskimo and says..."Well my friend it looks like you've blown a seal"....NO mate, thats just frost on my Tash!!! Replies the Eskimo.
