Definition of a perfect lover...............a bloke with a 12" tongue who can breathe through his ears! Tarzan's last words.............."who greased the grapevine"
A little old lady went to buy cat food. She picked up three cans, but was told by the cashier: "I'm sorry, but we can't sell this to you without proof you have a cat. Too many seniors are buying cat food to eat. Management wants proof that you are buying this for your cat." So the lady went home, brought in her cat and was sold the cat food. The next day, she comes in and tries to buy two cans of dog food and was again told she couldn't buy them without proof. So the lady went home, brought in her dog and was sold the dog food... One day later, she brought in a box with a hole in the lid and asked the cashier to stick her finger in the hole. The cashier said: "No, you might have a snake in there." The lady assured her that there was nothing in the box that would harm her. So the cashier put her finger into the box, quickly pulled it out and screamed: "That smells like ****." The lady replied: "It is... I want to buy two rolls of toilet paper please."
The day after his wife disappeared in a kayaking accident in the Bay Of Fundy, Nova Scotia , a man answered his door to find two grim-faced Mounties. “We know it’s late, sir, but we have some information about your wife,” said one of the Mounties. “Tell me! Did you find her!?” the husband shouted. The Mounties looked at each other. One said, “We have some bad news, some good news, and some really great news.. Which do you want to hear first?” Fearing the worst, the ashen husband said “Give me the bad news first.” The second Mountie said, “I’m sorry to tell you, sir, but this morning we found your wife’s body in the bay.” “Oh my God!” exclaimed the husband. Swallowing hard, he asked, “What’s the good news?” The Mountie continued, “When we pulled her up, she had 6 twenty-five pound snow crabs and 12 good-size lobsters clinging to her.” Stunned, the husband demanded, “If that’s the good news, what’s the great news???” The Mountie answered, “We’re gonna pull her up again tomorrow.”
The first to apologize is the bravest. The first to forgive is the strongest The first to crack open a beer and say, "F*ck it." is the smartest.
