A company, feeling that it was time for a shakeup, hires a new CEO, and the new boss is determined to rid the company of all slackers. On a tour of the facilities the CEO notices a lad leaning against a wall, the room is full of workers and he wants to let them know that he means business, so he walks up to the lad and asks “How much money do you make per week ?” Undaunted, the young lad looks at him and replies “About £300.00.” The CEO hands the guy £300 in cash and loudly says “Here’s a week’s pay, now GET OUT.” Feeling pretty good about his first firing, the CEO looks around the room and asks ”Does anyone want to tell me what that lad did here ?” With a sheepish grin, one of the other workers mutters ”Pizza delivery lad”
I found a half frozen bird as I walked home so I put it in my pocket to give it a chance of survival. When I showed My Wife, she told me how much she loved me for being so sensitive, so I thought I'd try for a bit of sex. She said "Please, not in front of the chilled wren".
I can do worse mate. What do you shout after a Jew who's just left the house, in the cold, without his jumper ... ... 'Yehudi'
Me: "What do you want for valentines day?" Wife: "Give me a ring that's enough." Me: "From a landline or mobile?"
The madam opened the brothel door in Glasgow and saw a rather dignified, well-dressed, good-looking man in his late forties or early fifties. "May I help you, sir?" she asked. "I want to see Valerie" the man replied. "Sir, Valerie is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps you would prefer someone else", said the madam. "No, I must see Valerie," he replied. Just then, Valerie appeared and announced to the man she charged £5000 a visit. Without hesitation, the man pulled out five thousand pounds and gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs. After an hour, the man calmly left. The next night, the man appeared again, once more demanding to see Valerie. Valerie explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row, as she was so expensive. There were no discounts. The price was still £5000. Again, the man pulled out the money, gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs. After an hour, he left. The following night the man was there yet again. Everyone was astounded that he had come for a third consecutive night, but he paid Valerie and they went upstairs. After their session, Valerie said to the man, "No one has ever been with me three nights in a row. Where are you from?" The man replied, "Edinburgh .." "Really", she said. "I have family in Edinburgh .." "I know." the man said. "Your sister died, and I'm her solicitor. I was instructed to deliver your £15,000 inheritance in person." The moral of the story is that three things in life are certain . . . . 1. Death 2. Taxes 3. Being screwed by a lawyer
