called the police today and the operator answered and said what's your emergency? I said there's 2 women fighting over me. She said what's wrong with that? I said the fat 1's winning!
How lucky is Steve Bruce eh? He's lost his job on the last day of Novenber, but on the 1st day of December, all department stores are looking for fat ****s witH experience of wearing Red and White.
Late one night, a burglar broke into a house he thought was empty. He tiptoed through the living room but suddenly he froze in his tracks when he heard a loud voice say: "Jesus is watching you!" Silence returned to the house, so the burglar crept forward again. "Jesus is watching you," the voice boomed again. The burglar stopped dead again. He was frightened. Frantically, he looked all around. In a dark corner, he spotted a bird cage and in the cage was a parrot. He asked the parrot: "Was that you who said Jesus is watching me?" "Yes", said the parrot. The burglar breathed a sigh of relief, and asked the parrot: "What's your name?" "Clarence," said the bird. "That's a dumb name for a parrot," sneered the burglar. "What idiot named you Clarence?" The parrot said, "The same idiot who named the Rottweiller Jesus."
A man with a nagging secret couldn't keep it any longer. In the confessional he admitted that for years he had been stealing building supplies from the lumberyard where he worked. "What did you take?" his priest asked. "Enough to build my own house and enough for my son's house. And houses for our two daughters and our cottage at the lake." "This is very serious," the priest said. "I shall have to think of a far-reaching penance. Have you ever done a retreat?" "No, Father, I haven't," the man replied. "But if you can get the plans, I can get the lumber."
Got to save my friend A very wealthy lawyer retreated for several weeks each year to his summer home in the backwoods of Maine. Every summer, he would invite one friend or another to stay with him there for a week or two. One summer he invited a Czechoslovakian friend to visit him. The friend, happy to get anything free from a lawyer, eagerly agreed. When the time came, they spent a wonderful time, getting up early every morning and enjoying the great outdoors. One morning, as the lawyer and his Czechoslovakian friend were picking raspberries and blueberries for their breakfast, they were approached by two huge bears--a male and a female. The lawyer noticed them in time to run for cover. His friend, however, was not so lucky. The male bear reached him and swallowed him whole. Seeing this, the lawyer ran back to his Mercedes and raced for the nearest town to get the local sheriff. The sheriff grabbed his high-powered rifle and raced back to the berry area with the lawyer. All the while, he was plagued by visions of lawsuit from his friend's family. He just had to save his friend. Luckily, the bears were still there. "He's in THAT one!" cried the lawyer, pointing to the male. The sheriff looked at the bears, leveled his gun, took careful aim, and shot the female. "What did you do that for?!" exclaimed the lawyer, "I said he was in the other bear!" "Exactly," replied the sheriff. "Would you believe a lawyer who told you that the Czech was in the male?"
Getting in an accident A Rabbi and a Priest are driving one day and, by a freak accident, have a head-on collision with tremendous force. Both cars are totally demolished, but amazingly, neither of the clerics has a scratch on him. After they crawl out of their cars, the rabbi sees the priest's collar and says, "So you're a priest. I'm a rabbi. Just look at our cars. There is nothing left, yet we are here, unhurt. This must be a sign from God!" Pointing to the sky, he continues, "God must have meant that we should meet and share our lives in peace and friendship for the rest of our days on earth." The priest replies, "I agree with you completely. This must surely be a sign from God!" The rabbi is looking at his car and exclaims, "And look at this! Here's another miracle! My car is completely demolished, but this bottle of Mogen David wine did not break. Surely, God wants us to drink this wine and to celebrate our good fortune." The priest nods in agreement. The rabbi hands the bottle to the priest, who drinks half the bottle and hands the bottle back to the rabbi. The rabbi takes the bottle and immediately puts the cap on, then hands it back to the priest. The priest, baffled, asks, "Aren't you having any, Rabbi?" The rabbi replies, "Nah... I think I'll wait for the police."
Insomnia, hardly. I've been out in the garden all morning painting all the rocks white because our new immigrant neighbours want a snowball fight this Christmas
Three strangers strike up a conversation in the airport passenger lounge in Calgary , Alberta , while awaiting their respective flights. One is a native Red Indian from the Sarcee Reservation. Another is a cowboy on his way to Vancouver for a livestock auction. The third passenger is a fundamentalist Arab student newly arrived at the University of Calgary from the Middle East . Their discussion drifts to their diverse cultures. Soon, the two Albertans learn that the Arab is a devout, radical Muslim and the conversation falls into an uneasy lull. The cowboy leans back in his chair, crosses his boots on a magazine table and tips his big sweat-stained hat forward over his face. The wind outside is blowing tumbleweeds around, and the old windsock is flapping, but still no plane comes. To break the silence, the Indian clears his throat and softly speaks: "At one time here, my people were many, but sadly, now we are few.." The Muslim student raises an eyebrow and leans forward: "Once my people were few" he sneers, "and now we are many. Why do you suppose that is?" The Alberta cowboy shifts his toothpick to one side of his mouth, and from the darkness beneath his Stetson says in a smooth drawl, "That's 'cause we ain't played Cowboys and Muslims yet . . . But I do believe it's a-comin'..."
Heskey celebrated his 500th appearance by shooting and giving man united a throw-in Why did Steve Bruce cross the road?...He was parked across from the job centre I went to subway & asked for the greasiest, biggest, most expensive sub they had. They gave me an Andy Carroll super sub....It was a total letdown.
Comm, A few more of the same.... I was driving home last night when I came across a multi-car pile up. I pulled over to see if I could help and Steve Bruce was there. I said to him "you alright mate? your face is a ****ing mess." Turns out he wasn't in the accident and had just pulled over to help out. BBC news : Steve Bruce sacked as Sunderland manager Coleen Rooney is bookies favourite to take over as she is used to cleaning up the mess a fat **** with a big head has left behind. My wife asked me if we can have something more 'Christmassy' on the television. So I put Fifa on and played in snowy conditions. My theripist told me you shouldn't call your wife a fat, ugly, useless **** today. This information may have been more useful before the divorce.
