I went in our local toy shop christmas shopping and asked if they had the board game Operation. They said yes, but there's a 2 year waiting list.
"Can you get some bleach, washing powder and some shake and vac while you're out?" My wife asked. "Can you not wait until you’ve opened your presents tomorrow?" I replied.
I was in the pub last night and this girl said to me, "Would you like a drink?" I said, "You're a bit forward aren't you?" She said, "I'm the barmaid you Dick"
I would like to say to everyone I'm sorry I posted all those "How many people it takes to change a lightbulb” jokes. I was in a very dark place at the time.
One Monday morning a postman is walking the village on his usual round. As he approaches one of the homes he noticed that both cars are in the driveway. His wonder was cut short by Bob, the homeowner, coming out with a load of empty beer and spirit bottles. "Wow Bob, looks like you guys had one hell of a Christmas party last night"... The postman comments. Bob in obvious pain replies, "Actually we had it Saturday night. This is the first i have felt like moving since 4:00 am Sunday morning. We had about fifteen couples from around the village over for Christmas Cheer and it got a bit wild. Hell, we got so drunk around midnight that we started playing WHO AM I"... The postman thinks a moment and says, "How do you play that"...? Well all the guys go in the bedroom and we come out one at a time with a sheet covering us and only our "privates" showing through a hole in the sheet... Then the women try to guess who it is"... The postman laughs and says, "Damn, I'm sorry I missed that"... Probably a good thing you did," Bob responds. "Your name came up four or five times.
A BOXING DAY POO. You sit upon the toilet With everything prepared You're feeling quite excited but A little bloody scared! That huge amount of Christmas nosh Has turned into a log And now the fateful time has come To flush it down the bog! But first you must expel the beast And so you start to strain, You bite down on a piece of wood To take away the pain But oh my god, its bloody huge It's like you're giving birth! You sweat and push and swear and shake and strain for all your worth. And then that magic moment comes, That fills your soul with cheer, A turd the size of King Kongs arm Emerges from your rear. And like a bomb it hits the pan Thus lightening your mood, And making room inside your guts For lots more Christmas food!
I asked my Doctor 'would it be okay to have sex at 85 ? He said 'Yes, if you feel good go for it' I said Oh thanks Doc cos I live at 73 so it's not far to walk home afterwards
I got a Womble pepper grinder for Christmas. It's rubbish. Everything is either underground or overground.
I'm in big trouble with my wife. She asked me where was I taking her for Christmas. Apparently "Over the coffee table" was not what she wanted to hear.
