The barnsley joke page

Scrotums to you Sir !!

 

“So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang up, and he said: “You've been promoted.” And I swerved. And then he rang up a second time and said: "You've been promoted again.” And I swerved again. He rang up a third time and said: “You're Managing Director.” And I went into a tree. And a policeman came up and said: “What happened to you?”
And I said: “I careered off the road.”

 

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I was really excited when my wife suggested we start having date nights to put the spark back in our relationship.

Until I realised she meant together.

 

Saw a Scouse tribute band last night.

'Took That'

 

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An army major visits the sick soldiers, goes up to one private and asks:
"What's your problem, Soldier?"
"Chronic syphilis, Sir"
"What treatment are you getting?"
"Five minutes with the wire brush each day."
"What's your ambition?"
"To get back to the front, Sir."
"Good man." says the Major.
He goes to the next bed. "What's your problem, Soldier?"
"Chronic piles, Sir"
"What treatment are you getting?"
"Five minutes with the wire brush each day."
"What's your ambition?"
"To get back to the front, Sir."
"Good man." says the Major.
He goes to the next bed. "What's your problem, Soldier?"
"Chronic gum disease, Sir"
"What treatment are you getting?"
"Five minutes with the wire brush each day."
"What's your ambition?"
"To get the wire brush before the other two, Sir"

 

I joined the Tourettes Society yesterday.

It only took a minute to be sworn in !........

 

l found one of my neighbours sobbing her heart out this morning .".

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I asked her what was wrong?

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She said, "l was on my way to work this morning & about a mile from home my car started overheating, so l walked back home & found my husband in bed with another woman.".

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She said,... "I just don’t know what to do."
I said, "have you checked the water level in the radiator.

 

It's amazing to see how time flies.
I can still remember when my wife and I were first married and not long after a lovely little chubby creature with bow legs and no teeth who was always dribbling and wetting itself came into our lives and gave us countless sleepless nights!!

Nah.....it wasn't a baby.....her MUM came to live with us!!..

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We live in a society where a pizza gets to your house, faster than the police