The barnsley joke page

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Little known fact there is a Patron Saint of checking bread rolls before removing from the oven.

Saint John The Bap Test.

 

I see Yoko Ono is going into the jungle on I'm a Celebrity, Get Me Out of Here.

She'll be good. She's managed to live off a beatle for 30 years….

 

This kid looks more like Ed Sheeran than Ed Sheeran does.

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Police pulls over Paddy for speeding
"have you been drinking Sir?" Paddy replies
"yes officer i've had about 18 pints, 2 bottles of hooch and 6 bacardi and cokes."
Police says
"what the hell are you doing driving ??"
Paddy replies
"I couldn't fu#kin walk''

 

BBC breaking news: Women can now serve in ALL roles in the Armed Forces.

In other news, all reverse gears from British tanks have been removed.

 

I went to an Indian restaurant last night. After I had ordered, a little old lady came up to me and said, "Aren't you polite. You have such lovely manners."

I didn't realise at the time but apparently, it was my complimentary nan.

 

IKEA's football team is playing this afternoon.

The manager, Alan Key is expected to line-up with a flatpack four.

 

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Two 90 year old men, Mike and Joe, have been friends all of their lives.
When it's clear that Joe is dying, Mike visits him every day. One day Mike says, "Joe, we both loved football all our lives, and we played football on Saturdays together for so many years. Please do me one favour, when you get to Heaven, somehow you must let me know if there's football there."
Joe looks up at Mike from his death bed," Mike, you've been my best friend for many years. If it's at all possible, I'll do this favour for you.
Shortly after that, Joe passes on.
At midnight a couple of nights later, Mike is awakened from a sound sleep by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calling out to him, "Mike--Mike."
"Who is it? asks Mike sitting up suddenly. "Who is it?"
"Mike--it's me, Joe."
"You're not Joe. Joe just died."
"I'm telling you, it's me, Joe," insists the voice.
"Joe! Where are you?"
"In heaven", replies Joe. "I have some really good news and a little bad news."
"Tell me the good news first," says Mike.
"The good news," Joe says," is that there's football in heaven. Better yet, all of our old friends who died before us are here, too. Better than that, we're all young again. Better still, it's always spring time and it never rains or snows. And best of all, we can play football all we want, and we never get tired."
That's fantastic," says Mike. "It's beyond my wildest dreams! So what's the bad news?
"You're playing on Saturday."

 

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