I went Speed Dating once. "Have you got any pets?" one lass asked. "Yeah, a goldfish." "Any hobbies?" she said. "Aye. He loves swimming!"
A true friend is like a penis, he stands up for you in times of need. A genuine friend is like a bra, she supports you at all times. A faithful friend is like a condom , he protects you from all harm. A loving friend is like a vagina, she accomodates you fully despite the size of your problem. ⭕1. Kamasutra says : If you suck one nipple, the woman herself offers the other one. And that was the origin of "buy one get one free"! ⭕2. Did you ever notice: everything on a woman's upper body starts with a "B". Blouse, Bra, Bikini, Boobs & lower body with a "P" Peticoat, panties, ... That's origin of "BP"! ⭕3. Before sex, you help each other get naked. After sex, you dress only yourself. Moral: In life no one helps you once you're f..ked. ⭕4. Success is like pregnancy. Everybody congratulates you but nobody knows how many times you got ****ed to achieve it. ⭕5. Life is like a dick, sometimes it becomes hard for no reason. ⭕6. Practical thought: A husband is supposed to make his wife's panties wet, not her eyes. A wife is supposed to make her husband's dick hard, not his life..! ⭕When a lady is pregnant, all her friends touch her stomach ad say "Congrats!". But none of them come and touch the man's Penis and say "Well done!".
Just bought her indoors an ice pick, cos when I asked her what she wanted for her birthday she said "A climb axe would make a nice change"
My wife has requested that when I'm receiving a blow job she would appreciate it if I told her when I'm about to come. Do you think that I should phone her, or would a text suffice?
I see Yoko Ono is going into the jungle on I'm a Celebrity, Get Me Out of Here. She'll be good. She's managed to live off a beatle for 30 years….
The German lorry driver A German lorry driver in a pub in Newcastle is prattling off about how lazy the British are, He states, he drives his load from Hamburg, goes through Holland, Belgium, up to Newcastle and back to Hamburg in two days. An old Geordie man mutters... "Ay! Way back man' ... 'I used to pick up my load in Newcastle drop it off in Hamburg' and be back again in Newcastle the same day." The German trucker snorted and said... "Oh Yeah....what type rig were you driving?" The old fella replied... "A LANCASTER BOMBER"
A student of criminal psychology decides to do his thesis on people who sexual abuse animals, and in particular, men who shag sheep. He takes a flight to Australia, and meets a sheep farmer and amongst other things asks him how he actually has sex with the sheep "Well its quite simple cobber - you grab the bastard by the tail, hold tight and your in" The student later travels to New Zealand and asks a farmer there the same question "Ah we're with the Aussie jokers on that one - grab it by the tail, hold on and shag it from behind" Finally, the student goes to Wales and asks a farmer there how he does it "Well it's bloody awkward see - first you find your sheep, then you finds a stone wall, then you grabs the sheep by the front paws, bend its back over the wall and shag it like that" The Student replies "Why don't you shag it from behind like they do in Australia and New Zealand?" "Shag it from behind? Well how else am I supposed to kiss it?"
