I went Speed Dating once. "Have you got any pets?" one lass asked. "Yeah, a goldfish." "Any hobbies?" she said. "Aye. He loves swimming!"
Not for children under 18 years A true friend is like a penis, he stands up for you in times of need. A genuine friend is like a bra, she supports you at all times. A faithful friend is like a condom , he protects you from all harm. A loving friend is like a vagina, she accomodates you fully despite the size of your problem. ⭕1. Kamasutra says : If you suck one nipple, the woman herself offers the other one. And that was the origin of "buy one get one free"! ⭕2. Did you ever notice: everything on a woman's upper body starts with a "B". Blouse, Bra, Bikini, Boobs & lower body with a "P" Peticoat, panties, ... That's origin of "BP"! ⭕3. Before sex, you help each other get naked. After sex, you dress only yourself. Moral: In life no one helps you once you're f..ked. ⭕4. Success is like pregnancy. Everybody congratulates you but nobody knows how many times you got ****ed to achieve it. ⭕5. Life is like a dick, sometimes it becomes hard for no reason. ⭕6. Practical thought: A husband is supposed to make his wife's panties wet, not her eyes. A wife is supposed to make her husband's dick hard, not his life..! ⭕When a lady is pregnant, all her friends touch her stomach ad say "Congrats!". But none of them come and touch the man's Penis and say "Well done!". Moral: Hard work is never appreciated: Only results matter.
Just bought her indoors an ice pick, cos when I asked her what she wanted for her birthday she said "A climb axe would make a nice change"
My wife has requested that when I'm receiving a blow job she would appreciate it if I told her when I'm about to come. Do you think that I should phone her, or would a text suffice?
A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says,' I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir.' The driver says, 'Gee, officer, I had it on cruise control at 60; perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating. ' Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: 'Now don't be silly, dear -- you know that this car doesn't have cruise control.' As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls, 'Can't you please keep your mouth shut for once !! ?' The wife smiles demurely and says, 'Well dear you should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did or your speed would have been higher.' As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth, 'Woman, can't you keep your mouth shut?' The officer frowns and says, 'And I notice that you're not wearing your seat belt, sir. That's an automatic $75 fine.' The driver says, 'Yeah, well, you see, officer, I had it on, but I took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket.' The wife says, 'Now, dear, you know very well that you didn't have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're driving.' And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket, the driver turns to his wife and barks,'WILL YOU PLEASE SHUT UP??' The officer looks over at the woman and asks, 'Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma'am?' (I love this part) 'Only when he's been drinking.!! Credit given to respective owner. Not I.
