The barnsley joke page

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Bloke tells the tattooist he'd like an Indian tattooed all over his back. He's told it's a big job & will cost but they proceed.

After an hour the bloke asks the tattooist if he could make sure the Indian had a Tomahawk in his hand, the tattooist said "no problem, I'll just finish his Turban off first"

 

A poor old lady was forced to sell her valuables to avoid eviction. As she rummaged through her dusty belongings, she came across a dull copper kettle.
Intrigued by its possible value the old woman dusted it off and BAM! A genie erupted from its neck! The genie says “I have seen your plights, and will grant you three wishes.”
The woman, astounded, thinks for a moment and says “Age has taken its toll on me. I wish to be young and beautiful once more.” BAM! In a sudden flash the old woman emerged, a ravishing young woman.
Thrilled by her success the woman says “Genie, I want to live a life of grandeur! To be rich!” BAM! With a snap of the genie's fingers, the room transformed into a great hall.
Her once broken cottage had become a mansion and her worn out clothing had been replaced with a stunning dress, and shining heels.
While she marvelled at this outcome the genie stood solemnly. “You have one wish left.” he thundered.
The woman looked up at the genie and said “My cat has been faithfully with me for all my years. Please, transform him into a human man, so that we may spend many happy days together!”
BAM! In a blinding flash the cat had turned into a tall, dark-haired, handsome young man. Immediately enamoured by her new love, the woman fell into his arms.
As she gazed into his eyes, he drew her close and whispered... “I bet you wish you hadn't had me neutered now”

 

I've just flown home after a lucky escape.

I was climbing in the Himalayas and was Accosted by a Yeti, It forced me to do a thousand Sit Ups and a thousand Stomach Crunches.

When I got back to Base and told our Sherpa, he said, " Ah Yes, That'll be the Abdominal Snowman".

 

Keyboard for sale.

Perfe t working ondtion.

 

I offered Bonnie Tyler a Twix, but she refused it. I offered her a Mars Bar, then a Yorkie and finally a Bounty, but she kept saying NO!

I think she was holding out for an Aero...

 

More bad news for UK Grannies as Coleen Rooney signs up for I'm A Celebrity, leaving Wayne Rooney to his own devices for up to 3 weeks!

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Why don’t vegans moan during s*x ?

They don’t want anyone to know they’re enjoying a piece of meat

 

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I have a couple of albums to listen to tonight.

One by The Jam and one by Cream, but I can't decide which to put on first.....

 

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I've just bought a house with a wonderful view of a marina.


It's just like the one my dad had in the 70's, yellow with a black vinyl roof

 

While I was down in Devon on the weekend I went to an archaeology party.

They were excavating and searching for a lower leg.

It was quite a shindig!

 

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