For those of us a little more mature than the 'kids' on here... 1. When one door closes and another door opens, you are probably in prison. 2. To me, "drink responsibly" means don't spill it. 3. Age 60 might be the new 40, but 9:00 pm is the new midnight. 4. It's the start of a brand new day, and I'm off like a herd of turtles. 5. The older I get, the earlier it gets late. 6. When I say, "The other day," I could be referring to any time between yesterday and 15 years ago. 7. I remember being able to get up without making sound effects. 8. I had my patience tested. I'm negative. 9. Remember, if you lose a sock in the dryer, it comes back as a Tupperware lid that doesn't fit any of your containers. 10. If you're sitting in public and a stranger takes the seat next to you, just stare straight ahead and say, "Did you bring the money?" 11. When you ask me what I am doing today, and I say "nothing," it does not mean I am free. It means I am doing nothing. 12. I finally got eight hours of sleep. It took me three days, but whatever. 13. I run like the winded. 14. I hate when a couple argues in public, and I missed the beginning and don't know whose side I'm on. 15. When someone asks what I did over the weekend, I squint and ask, "Why, what did you hear?" 16. When you do squats, are your knees supposed to sound like a goat chewing on an aluminum can stuffed with celery? 17. I don't mean to interrupt people. I just randomly remember things and get really excited. 18. When I ask for directions, please don't use words like "east." 19. Don't bother walking a mile in my shoes. That would be boring. Spend 30 seconds in my head. That'll freak you right out. 20. Sometimes, someone unexpected comes into your life out of nowhere, makes your heart race, and changes you forever. We call those people cops. 21. My luck is like a bald guy who just won a comb." Credits goes to the respective author
This is the sort of thing that gets posted on my local Facebook group in between complaints about bins not being collected and traffic at rush hour.
Missus has had to stay at work as one of the other chefs has had to go to A&E so I’m at a full bar drinking a pisco noir alone until the silly **** gets back. Just had a steak tartare.
Morning - 'Dad the Taxi' day - youngest back to Uni then picking up middle daughter from station on her return from a weekend in Devon ... Home made cottage pie for dinner mind - a particular fave - leeks and cheese in the mash topping and swede and carrots in the stew...
Quite funny half an hour. My nan’s parents and brother are buried in Brighton so I said I’d pop down to the cemetery as you’re meant to do this time of year. Park up and I need to walk past a group waiting to go in for a funeral to get to the graves. Them all dressed nicely as you would and me in trackies. The rabbi approaches and asks if I’m Jewish which I assumed was because I looked like a no good scruff. Turns out they’re a man short (you need ten adult jewish men at a funeral for some reason, **** knows what happens if you don’t). Can’t exactly say no. So I spend 20 minutes stood in a small group next to a coffin as they say goodbye to Daphne, 90, Arsenal fan. Someone asked at the end if I’d like to say a few words which got a laugh from the crowd. Anyway, RIP Daphne. Assume she was alright.
