The Reverend John Flapps was the pastor of a small town church in Ireland. One day he was walking down the High Street and he noticed a young lady of his congregation sitting in a pub drinking beer. The Reverend wasn't happy. He walked through the open door of the pub and sat down next to the woman. 'Mrs Fitzgerald,' he said sternly. 'This is no place for a member of my congregation. Why don't you let me take you home?’ 'Sure,' she said with a slur, obviously very drunk. When Mrs Fitzgerald stood up from the bar, she began to weave back and forth. The Reverend realized that she'd had far too much to drink and grabbed her arms to steady her. When he did, they both lost their balance and tumbled to the floor. After rolling around for a few moments, the Reverend wound up on top of Mrs. Fitzgerald, her skirt hiked up to her waist. The pub landlord looked over and said, 'Oi Mate, we won't have any of that carrying on in this pub.' The Reverend looked up at the landlord and said, 'But you don't understand, I'm Pastor Flapps.' The landlord nodded and said, well if you’ve gone that far you may as well finish
One day when the teacher walked into the classroom, she noticed that someone had written the word 'PENIS' (in tiny letters) on the blackboard. She scanned the class looking for a guilty face. Finding none, she rubbed the word off and began class. The next day, the word 'PENIS' was written on the board again; this time it was written about halfway across the board. Again she looked around in vain for the culprit, so she proceeded with the day's lesson. Every morning for about a week, she went into the classroom and found the same disgusting word written on the board, each day's being larger than the previous one, and each being rubbed off vigorously. At the end of the second week, she walked in expecting to be greeted by the same word on the board but instead found the words : "The more you rub it, the bigger it gets."
Two old ladies were standing outside their nursing home having a cigarette. When it started to rain one of the ladies went into her bag and brought out a pair of scissors and a condom. She then snipped off the end of the condom with the scissors and slipped it over the cigarette to keep it dry. The other lady thought this was a marvellous idea. So much so, the next day she headed down to the local chemists and asked at the counter for a packet of Durex. The chemist said, “Certainly, madam. What size do you require? Small, medium or large??” .... The lady thought for a second and replied, “Big enough to fit a camel.”
Ooh dear you naughty boy there's nothing wrong with Dirty............... a hand grenade wouldn't cure, in days gone by we had medical help for the afflicted, it was called Bedlam just saying,
My wife texted me this morning and said, “Your great”. I replied, “No, you’re great”. She’s been in a brilliant mood ever since. I should correct her grammar more often.
