Received one of “those” phone calls yesterday. “Is that Mr. Brown?” Me: “Yes, it is” “It’s about your recent accident” Me: “How the hell did you know about that? I thought it was just going to be a fart” She hung up!!
I thought I saw Michael J Fox in our local garden centre this morning. I couldn't be sure though, he had his back to the fuchsias......
I went into the car showroom and told the salesman "My wife would like to talk to you about the VW Golf in your window". "Sir this is a BMW dealership we don't have a VW Golf in the window !" he replied. "You do now" I said......
The wife bought a home waxing kit the other day. She asked me if she should just do the sides or leave a strip down the middle... I said I would prefer it if she didn't have a moustache at all !
Two dwarfs go into a bar, where they pick up two "working girls" and take them to their separate hotel rooms. The first dwarf, however, is unable to get an erection. His depression is made worse by the fact that, from the next room, he hears his friend shouting out cries of "Here I come again! ONE, TWO, THREE UGH!" "Here I come again! ONE, TWO, THREE.... UGH!" "Here I come again! ONE, TWO, THREE .. UGH!" .... ALL NIGHT LONG. In the morning, the second dwarf asks the first, "How did it go?" The first mutters, "It was embarrassing. I just couldn't get an erection." The second dwarf shook his head. "You think that's embarrassing? I couldn't get on the bed."
Deaf couple get married and during the first week of marriage, they find that they are unable to communicate in the bedroom when they turn off the lights (because they can't see each other using sign language). After several nights of fumbling around and misunderstandings, the Wife proposes a solution. "Honey." She signs. "Why don't we agree on some simple signals? For instance, at night, if you want to have Sex with me, reach over and squeeze my left Breast one time. If you don't want to have Sex, reach over and squeeze my right Breast one time." The husband thinks this is a great idea and signs back to his Wife. "Great idea! Now if you want to have Sex with me, reach over and pull on my Penis one time. And if you don't want to have Sex, reach over and pull on my Penis fifty times."
The fact that Jellyfish have survived for 650 million years despite not having brains gives hope to many people.
I was at a funeral today and I asked the priest for the WiFi password. "Have some respect for the dead!" He said. "Ok," I replied. "Is that all lowercase without spaces?"
