When Jane initially met Tarzan of the Jungle, she was attracted to him and during her questions about his life, she asked him how he had sex: "Tarzan not know sex!" He replied. Jane explained to him what sex was. Tarzan said. "Oh, Tarzan use hole in trunk of tree!" Horrified, she said. "Tarzan you have it all wrong, but I will show you how to do it properly!" She took off her clothes and lay down on the ground. "Here!" She said. "You must put it in here!" Tarzan removed his loincloth, stepped closer with his huge erection, and then gave her an almighty kick right between her legs. Jane rolled around in agony, but manages to gasp for air and screamed. "What did you do that for?" "Tarzan check for bees!"
My mate asked me if I could name any famous Syrians. I said, "Well, there's Botham... McKellen...Duncan-Smith...”
A guy comes home completely drunk one night. He lurches through the door and is met by his scowling wife, who is most definitely not happy. "Where the hell have you been all night?" she demands. "At this new bar," he says. "The Golden Saloon. Everything there is golden. It's got huge golden doors, a golden floor and even the urinal's gold!" The wife still doesn't believe his story, and the next day checks the phone book, finding a place across town called the Golden Saloon. She calls up the place Is this the Golden Saloon?” she asks when the bartender answers the phone. “Yes it is,” bartender answers. “Do you have huge golden doors?” “Sure do.” “Do you have golden floors?” Most certainly do.” “What about golden urinals?” There’s a long pause, then the woman hears the bartender yelling, “Hey, Duke, I think I got a lead on the guy that peed in your saxophone last night!”
My wife says that I keep pushing her buttons. If that were true, I'm sure I would have found mute by now!
My wife was in labour when the nurse said it was time to push. She gave it everything she had, until a fart, that from sound and stench, had obviously followed through. She was mortified. "Don't worry," i said, patting her head. "I've heard this kind of thing is perfectly natural during birth. Isn't that right nurse?" "Yes," said the nurse gagging, "But it's usually the mother not the father!.."
A young man shopping in a supermarket noticed a little old lady following him around. If he stopped, she stopped. Furthermore she kept staring at him. She finally overtook him at the checkout, and she turned to him and said, “I hope I haven't made you feel ill at ease, it's just that you look so much like my late son." He answered, "That's okay." "I know it's silly, but if you'd call out Goodbye, Mum, as I leave the store, it would make me feel so happy." She then went through the checkout, and as she was on her way out of the store, the man called out, "Goodbye, Mum." The little old lady waved, and smiled back at him. Pleased that he had brought a little sunshine into someone's day, he went to pay for his shopping. "That comes to £121.85," said the assistant. "How come so much? I only bought 3 items!" The clerk replied, "Yeah, but your Mother said you'd be paying for her things too."
I went to a restaurant last night. I ordered my starter and the waiter wacked me across me face. I ordered the main meal and he came over again and walloped me. I ordered dessert, and he lamped me one again. That’s the last time I go out for a slap up meal.......
A guy stuck his head into a barbershop and asked, 'How long before I can get a haircut? The barber looked around the shop full of customers and said, 'About 2 hours.' The guy left. A few days later, the same guy stuck his head in the Door and asked, 'How long before I can get a haircut?' The barber looked around at the shop and said, 'About 3 hours.' The guy left. A week later, the same guy stuck his head in the shop and asked, 'How long before I can get a haircut?' The barber looked around the shop and said, 'About an hour and a half . The guy left. The barber turned to his friend and said, 'Hey, Bob, do me a favour, follow him and see where he goes. He keeps asking how long he has to wait for a haircut, but he never comes back.' A little while later, Bob returned to the shop, laughing hysterically. The barber asked, 'So, where does he go when he leaves?' Bob looked up, wiped the tears from his eyes and said, 'Your house!!!'
Due to low profit margins Marks & Spencers are to merge with Poundstretcher. The new stores will be called StretchMarks!
I took the wife to a Night Club last night. There was a guy on the dance floor giving it large, breakdancing, moonwalking, back flips, the works. My wife turned to me and said, "See that guy? 25 years ago he proposed to me and I turned him down." I said, "Looks like he's still f*cking celebrating!"
I was walking back from the shop with some eggs, flour and milk, when some guy started a fight with me! So I battered him.....
I got chatting with a girl in a bar, "Can I buy you a drink?" I asked. "Have you not got a girlfriend?" she replied, "Guys like you always have girlfriends. ""No, sadly we broke up just over a month ago," I assured her. "Oh I'm sorry to hear that," she said, "Go on then, I'll have a white wine please. A few drinks later after a kiss and a cuddle we headed off back to her place and made passionate love. While I was putting my clothes back on she said, "So, you're good looking, a nice guy and amazing in bed, can I ask why on earth you split with your girlfriend?" I said, "My wife found out."
An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman arrived at a railway station in a state of inebriation just as The train was about to leave. A helpful porter managed to get The Englishman and The Scotsman aboard as The train pulled out. Then he turned to The Irishman and said, 'I'm sorry sir that I couldn't get you aboard The train.' 'My friends will be sorry too,' said The Irishman, 'they just came to see me off.'
My artistic girlfriend likes to draw on my body. When she was sad, I’d give her my shoulder to crayon.
Don't forget winter will soon be upon us and our native birds are finding food scarce. Please go to your local pet shop and buy a mesh feeder and a bag of nuts for our feathered friends. There is no finer sight on a winter's morning than a pair of tits around your nuts. Just remember however, it's a bit too late in the year to expect a swallow.
I threw a ball for my dog... It's a bit extravagant I know, but it was his birthday and he looks great in a Tuxedo.
