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Joke Competition Wednesday!

Discussion in 'Newcastle United' started by TheJudeanPeoplesFront, Nov 30, 2011.

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  1. overseasTOON

    overseasTOON Active Member

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    Teacher asked the class which part of your body would go to heaven when you died.

    Little Johnny raised his hand and was furiously waving it in the air but teacher opted to ignore him and asked Little Jane.

    “Your heart” said Jane “because it’s full of love”

    Teacher asked for another response and still Little Johnny was waving his arm again, desperate to reply. She ignored him again and asked Sarah.

    “Your head” said Sarah “because it’s full of memories”

    Little Johnny was still waving his arm and his face was red from exertion.

    “Yes Johnny. What do you think?” teacher finally asked him.

    “Your feet” Johnny replied.

    “Really? Why the feet?” teacher questioned.

    “When I got home the other day my mum had her feet in the air shouting out ‘God! I’m coming’”
     
    #41
    overseasTOON, Nov 30, 2011
  2. skalpel

    skalpel Active Member

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    <laugh>
     
    #42
    skalpel, Nov 30, 2011
  3. Merino's Ballerina Feet

    Merino's Ballerina Feet Well-Known Member

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    Some crackers there
     
    #43
    Merino's Ballerina Feet, Nov 30, 2011
  4. StoneyNUFC

    StoneyNUFC Member

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    How do you get out of prison?
    Rub your hands together until they're sore, then use the saw to chop through the bars...

    Then, shout until you're hoarse, mount up and ride away!


    Tommy Cooper
     
    #44
    StoneyNUFC, Nov 30, 2011
  5. Mick O'Toon

    Mick O'Toon Well-Known Member

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    What has Batman and scousers got in common?

    Neither can go into town without Robin....
     
    #45
    Mick O'Toon, Nov 30, 2011
  6. holystone

    holystone Active Member

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    Heard the one about a fat Geordie spy who became manager of Sunderland?
     
    #46
    holystone, Nov 30, 2011
  7. AH

    AH Active Member

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    Got a chinese takeaway last night and as I got into the car I heard the bag rustle, so I looked over and saw a pair of eyes looking out of the top of the bag at me, then disappear back inside.

    I was so scared I nearly **** myself, I looked again and saw the eyes looking at me then disappear again

    I ran back inside the Chinese takeaway to ask what the hell was going on, to which the guy just said "Don't worry, that's the Peking Duck!"
     
    #47
    AH, Nov 30, 2011
  8. jimileysbaldhead

    jimileysbaldhead Well-Known Member

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    Little girl says to mother " Mum, can I take the budgie to bed "

    Mother says " Certainly not "

    Little girl says " That's not fair because you and dad took it to bed last night "

    Mother says " We did not young lady "

    Little girl " Oh yes you did because when I walked past your bedroom door I heard you say to dad...." Quick, put your shirt tail over it before it flies all over the sheets "
     
    #48
    jimileysbaldhead, Nov 30, 2011
  9. Mick O'Toon

    Mick O'Toon Well-Known Member

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    I shagged my best mate's wife last night and now I feel awful.

    I reckon she had the flu or something..
     
    #49
    Mick O'Toon, Nov 30, 2011
  10. Warmir Pouchov

    Warmir Pouchov Better than JPF

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    What bounces and makes kids cry?

    My donation cheque to Children in Need
     
    #50
    Warmir Pouchov, Nov 30, 2011

  11. overseasTOON

    overseasTOON Active Member

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    Walking through the countryside the other week I saw some bloke behind the bushes shagging an Alsatian. Disgusted I said to him &#8220;How low can you get!&#8221;

    He said a Chihuahua
     
    #51
    overseasTOON, Nov 30, 2011
  12. StoneyNUFC

    StoneyNUFC Member

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    A lady with a clipboard stopped me in the street the other day. She said, 'Can you spare a few minutes for cancer research?' I said, 'All right, but we won't get much done

    My favourite road sign is 'Falling Rocks'. What exactly am I supposed to do with that information? They may as well have a sign saying "Random accidents ahead", "Life's a lottery, Be lucky

    My girlfriend bought a cook book the other day called 'Cheap and easy vegetarian cooking'. Which is perfect for her, because not only is she vegetarian...


    Jimmy Carr
     
    #52
    StoneyNUFC, Nov 30, 2011
  13. StoneyNUFC

    StoneyNUFC Member

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    Billy Piper licked a peck of pickled peppers..... no wait, Chris! Pull your trousers up!

    I'll get my coat
     
    #53
    StoneyNUFC, Nov 30, 2011
  14. Mick O'Toon

    Mick O'Toon Well-Known Member

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    There was a big crunch darts match the other night in my local.A guy steps up to the ochee and a guy from the team shouts at him and says "hey your foot is over the line"."No it's not" says the guy "these are my brother's shoes"
     
    #54
    Mick O'Toon, Nov 30, 2011
  15. holystone

    holystone Active Member

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    Why are lesbians great at DIY?

    It's all that tongue in groove action.................




    Taxi!
     
    #55
    holystone, Nov 30, 2011
  16. jimileysbaldhead

    jimileysbaldhead Well-Known Member

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    A bloke walks up to bus stop and there's a bloke playing with a dog.

    The fella says " Does your dog bite? "

    The bloke says " No "

    Fella reaches down to stroke it and the dog takes his hand off.

    The bloke says " You twat, you told me your dog didn't bite "

    The other bloke says " It's not my dog "
     
    #56
    jimileysbaldhead, Nov 30, 2011
  17. jimileysbaldhead

    jimileysbaldhead Well-Known Member

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    A bloke walked into a bar and said to the barmaid " Can I smell your fanny "

    She said " No you can't, you cheeky bastard "

    He said " It must be your feet then "
     
    #57
    jimileysbaldhead, Nov 30, 2011
  18. Mick O'Toon

    Mick O'Toon Well-Known Member

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    Shakespear walks into a pub and walks up to the bar looking for a drink.The barman tells him to get out "you're bard"
     
    #58
    Mick O'Toon, Nov 30, 2011
  19. Warmir Pouchov

    Warmir Pouchov Better than JPF

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    A woman brings eight-year-old Johnny home and tells his mother that he was caught playing doctors and nurses with Mary, her eight-year-old daughter.

    Johnny's mother says, "Let's not be too harsh on them... they are bound to be curious about sex at that age."

    "Curious about sex?" replies Mary's mother. "He's taken her ****ing appendix out!"
     
    #59
    Warmir Pouchov, Nov 30, 2011
  20. Schlem Boogerman

    Schlem Boogerman Well-Known Member

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    knock, knock.

    who's there?

    amalumpup

    amalumpup...


    got my 8 yr old daughter to get up on stage and do this one on the compere - the whole hall went silent apart from me p!ssing myself laughing - and when the penny finally dropped with the compere it was even better

    what's white with yellow checks?

    Rupert the fridge!

    What's white and swings through the trees?

    Tarzan the fridge!

    What runs on bubbly gum?

    A chew chew train!

    When is a car like a bag of crisps?

    When it's a Tudor.

    there - there's my repertoire of **** jokes all on one page. a truly great day for **** jokes!
     
    #60
    Schlem Boogerman, Nov 30, 2011
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