Joke Competition Wednesday!

Why are the Sunderland fans so upset that their board won't sack Bruce, when lack of future vision is named after their owner (and chairman)?












I'll get my coat....










it's bloody chilly out....


Anyway, let's have your best, worst and recently heard jokes to keep us going til the weekend!

 

Gonna be honest here, I don't get it.

 

What's orange and sounds like a Parrott?

A Carrott.

 

My wife and I went to the Lincolnshire county farm show and one of the first exhibits we stopped at was the breeding bulls. We went up to the first pen and there was a sign attached that said,

' THIS BULL MATED 50 TIMES LAST YEAR '

My wife playfully nudged me in the ribs .....Smiled and said, 'He mated 50 times last year, that's almost once a week.'


We walked to the second pen which had a sign attached that said,
''THIS BULL MATED 150 TIMES LAST YEAR'

My wife gave me a healthy jab and said, 'WOW~~That's more than twice! a week ! ...........You could learn a lot from him.'


We walked to the third pen and it had a sign attached that said,
in capital letters,

'THIS BULL MATED 365 TIMES LAST YEAR'

My wife was so excited that her elbow nearly broke my ribs, and said,
'That's once a day ..You could REALLY learn something from this one.'

I looked at her and said,


'Go over and ask him if it was with the same old cow.'


My condition has been upgraded from critical
to stable and doctors say I should eventually make a full recovery

 

A hobo comes up to the front door of a neat looking farmhouse and raps gently on the door. When the farm owner answers, the hobo asks him, "Please, sir, could you give me something to eat? I haven't had a good meal in several days."

The owner says, "I have made a fortune in my lifetime by supplying goods for people. I've never given anything away for nothing. However, if you go around the back, you will see a gallon of paint and a clean paint brush. If you will paint my porch, I will give you a good meal."

So the hobo goes around back and a while later he again knocks on the door. The owner says, "Finished already? Good. Come on in. Sit down. The cook will bring your meal right in."

The hobo says, "Thank you very much, sir. But there's something that I think you should know. It's not a Porsche you got there. It's a BMW."

 

IT vs. Management

A man in a hot air balloon, realising he was lost, reduced altitude and spotted a woman below. He descended further and shouted to the lady "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago but I don't know where I am"

The woman below replied, "You're in a hot air balloon, hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground.
You're between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude."

"You must be in IT," said the balloonist.

"Actually I am," replied the woman, "How did you know?"

"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you have told me is technically correct but I've no idea what to make of your information and the fact is I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help at all.
If anything, you've delayed my trip."

The woman below responded, "You must be in Management."

"I am," replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?"

"Well," said the woman, "you don't know where you are or where you're going. You have risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air.
You made a promise, which you've no idea how to keep and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems.
The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met but now, somehow, it's my f***ing fault..."

ruthless

 

A guy sticks his head in the barber shop and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around the shop and says, "About two hours." The guy leaves. A few days later, the same guy sticks his head in the door and asks, "How long before I get a haircut?" The barber looks around the shop full of customers and says, "About two hours." The guy leaves. A week later, the same guy sticks his head in the shop and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around the shop an says, "About an hour and half." The guy leaves. The barber looks over at a friend in the shop and says, "Hey Bill, follow that guy and see where he goes." In a little while, Bill comes back into the shop laughing hysterically. The barber asks, "Bill, where did he go when he left here?" Bill looked up and said, "To your house."

 

Once there was a millionaire, who collected live alligators. He kept them in the pool in back of his mansion. The millionaire also had a beautiful daughter who was single.

One day, the millionaire decides to throw a huge party, and during the party he announces, "My dear guests, I have a proposition to every man here. I will give one million dollars, or my daughter, to the man who can swim across this pool full of alligators and emerge unharmed!" As soon as he finished his last word, there was the sound of a large splash in the pool. The guy in the pool was swimming with all his might, and the crowd began to cheer him on. Finally, he made it to the other side of the pool unharmed.

The millionaire was impressed. He said, "That was incredible! Fantastic! I didn't think it could be done! Well, I must keep my end of the bargain. Do you want my daughter or the one million dollars?" The guy catches his breath, then says, "Listen, I don't want your money! And I don't want your daughter! I want the arse who pushed me in the pool!"

 

I heard Yoko Ono is going on I'm A Celebrity this week.

She'll have to eat grubs, bugs and worms and crawl through mud, spiders and all sorts of creepy crawlies.

She's bound to win, after all, she's been living off a dead beatle for the past thirty years...

 

Amazing!

 

A duck walks into a chemist and says "give me some lypsyl... and put it on my bill"

A crazy guy ran up to me in the street and grabbed me, then started screaming at me "I'm a Tipi, I'm a Wigwam, I'm a Tipi, I'm a Wigwam, I'm a Tipi, I'm a Wigwam" - I slapped him and said "pull yourself together man, you're two tents"

 

I was sat watching the lads against Manure on Match of the Day on Saturday night when the wife comes into the lounge and says "Fancy a shag babe?". I said, "After the football love". She said, " You do know you can record it don't you?". I said "Brilliant, you get the camcorder set up and I'll be up when the footy finishes!"

I'll get me coat as well!

 

A man is walking down the street in the snow and he sees a boy riding a sledge. The boy has his dog pulling it with a rope attached to the dogs balls. The man says "You know if you tied it around his neck, it would go faster." The boy replies, "I know but then I wouldn't get the cool siren."......ouch!

 

A miserably married guy decides he needs some companionship, so he goes to a pet store. The salesman says, " I have a great pet for you. A toothless hamster". The guy says, "Nah." The salesman says, "But it gives great head." The guy takes it home. His wife screams, "What the hell is that thing?" He says, "Never mind what it is. Teach it to cook and then get the f**k out."

 

"Short-sighted"

 

A man walks into a bar.



Ouch.

 

Wind Turbines, I'm a big fan

 

Ah.

 

A little girl walking her dog in the park stops for a rest on a seat, this bloke comes up to her and says " Hello little girl that's a lovely dog, what's his name?"

The little girl replies " Porkie "

" Porkie!!!!....that's a strange name for a dog, why do you call him Porkie?"

Little girl says " Cos he f*cks pigs, now piss off you perv "

 

Tarzan swinging through the jungle on a creeper sees this stunning bird bathing in a river, he jumps off, lands next to her, beats his chest and says " Me Tarzan, what's your name?"

She replies " Jane "

Tarzan says " No....your whole name "

She replies " That's personal but c*nt if you must know "