Off Topic The Goodhand Arms

Losing weight doesn’t seem to be working for me, so from now on I am going to concentrate on getting taller.

 

My six pack turned into a barrel.

 

I got sunburn from the light whenever I opened the fridge.

 

You can ask Google to "Do a barrel roll". It is just a cartoon of me doing a roly-poly.

 

I lost 20 pound on Slimfast. It didn't bloody work I want my 20 quid back.

 

Mine is a 6 keg.

 

Why men prefer to watch football in pubs or cafes

Wife:
Where are you going?

Husband:
Watch the game at the pub.

Wife:
Why don't you watch it with me?

Husband:
I want to watch it with my friends.

Wife:
So I mean nothing to you?

Husband:
OK, OK. I am staying.

Wife:
Why is the goalkeeper in black?

Husband:
He is mourning his mother.

Wife:
The commentator how does he know all the names?

Husband:
It's his job.
Wife: There's a goal.

Husband:
No, it's an offside.

Wife:
What is offside?

Husband:
No, it's a goal. Just kidding.

Wife:
OK, but what is offside?

Husband: Offside is the name of the Coach.

Wife:
Where's the Coach?

Husband:
He is off the field.

Wife:
Why isn't he playing?

Husband:
No, he doesn't play. He changes the players and the game tactics.

Wife:
Tell me, is Maradona there?

Husband:
No, he dîed.

Wife:
Oh my God, how?

Husband:
He watched a game with his wife.

That's how the fight started and we have been trying ever since to settle the issue

 

Once upon a time there was a little girl and one day her mommy decided it was time for her to learn how to cook sausages.

So she explains, slowly and patiently:

"You cut off the ends of the sausages, put a non-stick pan over a medium heat, and then add the sausages. Keep cooking, moving them around in the pan and turning them over regularly so they all cook evenly."

The little girl listens, pays attention, and watches closely as her mommy shows her how it's done.

But this little girl is clever. And she asks questions:

"Mommy, why do you cut off the ends of the sausages?"

The mother is slightly thrown off guard as she doesn't know, and just tries to avoid the subject.

"That's just how it's done, hunny."

Weeks go by and one day the time has come to eat sausages again and the ritual repeats itself: the mommy explains, the little girl watches and learns, and after some careful consideration she asks the exact same question:

"But mommy, you still didn't tell my why you cut off the ends of the sausages?"

At this point the mother can't brush off the little girl anymore and tells her she just doesn't know but they will ask the little girl's grandmother.

So they drive up to the grandmother's house, they make conversation, and at some point the little girl just has to ask: "Grandma, why do you cut off the ends of the sausages?"

Just like the mother, the grandmother simply does not know. She tries to tell the little girl she should just do as she is told but this little girl is persistent.

One thing leads to another and finally they all agree they will ask the little girl's great grandmother, who is still alive.

So they drive up to the retirement home. Now, you should know the great grandmother is old, getting deaf and she shouts.

Once again they try to make conversation, which is not easy because the great grandmother is hard of hearing. But, you guessed it, the moment finally comes, and the little girl asks:

"Great grandmother, I just have to ask; why do you cut off the ends of the sausages?"

"WHAT? SPEAK UP, GIRL, I CAN'T HEAR YOU! SAY THAT AGAIN?", the great grandmother replies.

The child raises her voice, and asks again:

"WHY DO YOU CUT OFF THE ENDS OF THE SAUSAGES?"

And the great grandmother goes:

"WTF? ARE YOU GUYS STILL USING THAT SMALL FRYING PAN?"

 

I wonder if Just Stop oil protester Roger Hallam objects to petroleum jelly after 24 hours in prison?

 

Just seen that it's been reported that the crossbow killer in Bushey earlier this month has paralysed himself. Apparently, while hiding in the cemetery he spotted the police closing in and turned the crossbow on himself in an attempt to end his life, and fired a bolt which severed his spinal cord, which is why police haven't been able to question him yet

He's supposedly come round in recent days and returned to consciousness and they are still waiting for the medical go ahead to interview and charge him with the three murders as he's still receiving treatment for that and some other self-inflicted wounds in a failed attempt at taking his own life

 

There is justice

 

I needed to buy a new oven last year and bought one that has 3 Pyrolytic cleaning programmes.
I generally use the oven for baking so it stays clean enough to just warrant a wipe down, but I have done some roasting this week which made a bit of a mess.
So I whacked it on to the “thorough” clean, which runs for 3 hours.
The oven is like new. Absolutely sparkling and the only effort I put into it was removing all the trays and side racks, turn a couple of knobs and press OK.
I just have to wipe it down with a damp cloth when it’s cold enough.
If you are in the market for a new oven, give Pyrolytic cleaning ovens some careful consideration because they are worth it.

 

Terrible punch line mate.

 

Sparkling.

 

Oh dear. So he's an alleged *****phile.

Huw Edwards charged with making indecent images of children - BBC News

 

Have I stumbled across the politics thread?

 

Nudge nudge, know what I mean?

 

I've gotten to be a terrible pessimist about things. Have you read The Rise of the Colored Empires by this man Goddard? … Well, it's a fine book, and everybody ought to read it. The idea is if we don't look out the white race will be – will be utterly submerged.