Off Topic Just for Mr RAWhite

When I was about 9 years old, I accompanied my father to the funeral of a friend of his, someone who I didn't even know.
When we got there, I stayed in a corner waiting for the time to pass.
Then a man approached me and said, 'Enjoy life son, be happy because time flies. Look at me now, I didn't enjoy it.'
Then he passed his hand over my head and left.
My father, before leaving, forced me to say goodbye to the dead person.
When I looked in the coffin, I was horrified to see that the man in the coffin was the same man who had spoken to me!
I was so traumatized I couldn't sleep properly.
I had terrible nightmares. I was terrified of being alone.
I couldn't sleep without a night light for many years.
I saw many psychologists, endured much turmoil throughout my adolescent years.
It got better as I aged, but I would still occasionally wake up screaming in fear.
Years later, I discovered something incredible that changed my life.
The dead b*stard had a twin.

 

Boots chemists are doing 3 for 2 on all hearing aids.
Who the f*ck has 3 ears?

 

I tried twerking the other day but it went all wrong. Angrily the doctor said, "Do you want me to do this prostate examination or not?"

 

Someone broke in to our farmhouse last night and took a dozen eggs.

They also left a pan filled with warm water . . . . police believe that it was poachers !

 

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Blinkers !

 

I suppose I’m in the minority but I always lick the knife when I’m finished.
None of the other surgeons seem to do it.

 

A boy is watching tv with his dad when a sex scene comes on...
"Well son, time for bed" the dad says, "But dad I'm 16" complains the son... the dad replies "I don't care how old you are, you're not watching me w*nk".

 

Reminds me of my mate who has just been struck off for medical malpractice, he was having sex with his patients. That aside he was apparently a very good vet.

 

I fell of a 40 step ladder today . . . . the doctor said that at my age I was lucky that I was still on the bottom rung !