One day when the teacher walked into the classroom, she noticed that someone had written the word 'PENIS' (in tiny letters) on the blackboard. She scanned the class looking for a guilty face. Finding none, she rubbed the word off and began class. The next day, the word 'PENIS' was written on the board again; this time it was written about halfway across the board. Again she looked around in vain for the culprit, so she proceeded with the day's lesson. Every morning for about a week, she went into the classroom and found the same disgusting word written on the board, each day's being larger than the previous one, and each being rubbed off vigorously. At the end of the second week, she walked in expecting to be greeted by the same word on the board but instead found the words : "The more you rub it, the bigger it gets."
I met a Dutch girl with inflatable shoes last week. I rang her up to arrange a date, but unfortunately she'd popped her clogs.....
The ugliest woman I’ve ever seen came up to me at a party last night and asked for my number. I asked her if she had a pen and she said yes. I said, “Well, you better get back to it before the farmer realises you’re missing!”
I met a girl in the pub last night, she was quite boastful, which kind of turned me on. She said..” I have two detached houses, what about you?” I said..”Well at the moment, just a small semi!”
Guy with no arms or legs sitting on towel on the beach. Gorgeous topless blonde comes up to him and asks have you ever been hugged. He said no so she gave him a big hug and snuggled him into her tits. Next a gorgeous red head comes up and asks had he ever been kissed he said no. So she bent down gave him a massive kiss, tongues and all. With that a gorgeous auburn haired girl came and asked him have you ever been ****ed. He said no with real expectation. She said you soon will be the tides coming in ….
My missus and I were looking out of the window at the pouring rain when she dared me to strip off and dance in it. Always up for a dare, I stripped off and ran out of the door and I was having a right laugh until I saw the doors close behind me and the bus drive away.
I hate when people use big words just to make themselves look perspicacious. Especially when I'm inebriated beyond the exuberance of my own verbosity to notice.
Just got thrown out of the local Mosque. I was stood there during prayers . . .and . . . well . . . I couldn't help myself . . I fuc*ing LOVE leapfrog........
Four old retired guys are walking down a street in London. They turn a corner and see a sign that says, "Old Timers Bar - All drinks 10p." They look at each other and then go in, thinking, this is too good to be true. The old bartender says in a voice that carries across the room, "Come on in and let me pour one for you! What'll it be, gentlemen?" There's a fully stocked bar, so each of the men orders a martini. In no time the bartender serves up four iced martinis—shaken, not stirred—and says, "That'll be 10p each, please." The four guys stare at the bartender for a moment, then at each other. They can't believe their good luck. They pay the 40p, finish their martinis, and order another round. Again, four excellent martinis are produced, with the bartender again saying, "That's 40p, please." They pay the 40p, but their curiosity gets the better of them. They've each had two martinis and haven't even spent a £1 yet. Finally one of them says, "How can you afford to serve martinis as good as these for a 10p a piece?" "I'm a retired tailor," the bartender says, "and I always wanted to own a bar. Last year I hit the Lottery Jackpot for £25 million and decided to open this place. Every drink costs 10p. wine, liquor, beer -- it's all the same." "Wow! That's some story!" one of the men says. As the four of them sip at their martinis, they can't help noticing seven other people at the end of the bar who don't have any drinks in front of them and haven't ordered anything the whole time they've been there. Nodding at the seven at the end of the bar, one of the men asks the bartender, "What's with them?" The bartender says, "They're down from Scotland. They're waiting for Happy Hour when drinks are half-price."
A woman decided to give herself a big treat for her 70th birthday by staying overnight in a really nice hotel.. When she checked out the next morning, the desk clerk handed her a bill for $250.00. She demanded to know why the charge was so high "I agree it's a nice hotel, but the rooms aren't worth $250..00 for just an overnight stay - I didn't even have breakfast!" The clerk told her that $250.00 is the 'standard rate,' and breakfast had been included had she wanted it. She insisted on speaking to the Manager. The Manager appeared and, forewarned by the desk clerk, announced: "This hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference center which are available for use." "But I didn't use them." 'Well, they are here, and you could have." He went on to explain that she could also have seen one of the in-hotel shows for which they were so famous."We have the best entertainers from the world over performing here." "But I didn't go to any of those shows.." "Well, we have them, and you could have." No matter what amenity the Manager mentioned, she replied, "But I didn't use it!" and the Manager countered with his standard response. After several minutes discussion, and with the Manager still unmoved, she decided to pay, wrote a check and gave it to him. The Manager was surprised when he looked at the check. "But Madam, this check is for only $50.00" "That's correct I charged you $200.00 for sleeping with me." "But I didn't!" "Well, too bad, I was here, and you could have."
I went to a lovely restaurant for dinner last night. I had the roast Pelican. The food was great but the bill was enormous........
Last night, someone broke in to our house and took a dozen eggs. They also left a saucepan filled with warm water. Police believe it was poachers.
"What lovely dogs! What are they called?" "Calvin and Klein" "Isn't that a brand of underwear?" "Yes. They're boxers."
