A strange old man has moved into my housen and I have no idea who he is, where he came from, or how he got in. I certainly did not invite him. All that I know is that one day he wasn't there, and the next day he was. He is a clever old lad and manages to keep out of sight for the most part, but whenever I pass a mirror, I catch a glimpse of him, and whenever I look in the mirror to check my appearance, there he is hogging the whole thing, completely obliterating my gorgeous face and body, which is very rude ! I have tried screaming at him, but he just screams back. The least that he could do is offer to pay part of the bills, but no. Every once in a while, I find a £5 note stuck in a coat pocket, or some loose change under a sofa cushion, but it is not nearly enough, and I don't want to jump to conclusions, but I think that he is stealing money from me. I go to the ATM and withdraw £50, and a few days later it's all gone ! I certainly don't spend money that fast, so I can only conclude the old man is pilfering from me. You'd think that he would spend some of that money to buy wrinkle cream, and money isn't the only thing that I think he is stealing. Food seems to disappear at an alarming rate, especially the good stuff like ice cream, chips, and sweets. He must have a real sweet tooth, but he'd better watch because he is really putting on the pounds. I suspect that he realises this, and to make himself feel better, he is tampering with my scales to make me think that I am putting on weight, too. For an old lad, he is quite childish. He likes to play nasty games, like going into my wardrobe when I'm not home and altering my clothes so that they don't fit, and he messes with my files and papers so that I can't find anything, which is particularly annoying since I am extremely neat and organised. He has found other imaginative ways to annoy me . . . . he gets into my mail, newspapers, and magazines before I do and blurs the print so that I can't read it, and he has done something really sinister to the volume controls on my TV, radio, and telephone. Now, all that I hear are mumbles and whispers. He has done other things, too, like making my stairs steeper, my hoover heavier and all of the knobs and taps harder to turn. He even made my bed higher so that getting into and out of it is a real challenge. Lately he has been fooling with my groceries before I put them away, applying glue to the lids, making it very difficult for me to open the jars. He has taken the fun out of shopping for clothes . . . . when I try something on, he stands in front of the dressing room mirror and monopolises it, and he looks totally ridiculous in some of those t shirts, plus he keeps me from seeing how good they look on me. Just when I thought that he couldn't get any meaner, he proved me wrong . . . . he came along when I went to get my picture taken for my driver's licence renewal and just as the camera shutter clicked he jumped in front of me. I hope that this owld git never finds out where you live !
I was walking through the Metro Centre with my wife a few weeks ago and seen him reflected in one of the shop windows. I remember thinking, who is that fat old bloke with my missus?
He followed me into the toilet, whilst having a pi** looked down and he had put his dick in my hand I knew it wasn't mine as this one had shrunk and was wrinkly with a massive of grey hairs the bar steward.
Just got back from taking part in the kleptomaniac championships. Did really well , took the gold. .. and the silver. …. and the bronze
