Off Topic Just for Mr RAWhite

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Well, that's me in Hospital . . . .

This has not been a good morning. After spending the last few weeks self quarantined inside the house I decided to go horseback riding, (as we're not allowed on our bikes), something that I haven't done in many years. It turned out to be a horrible big mistake !

I got on the horse and started slowly, but then we went a little faster, and before I knew it we were going as fast as the horse could go. I couldn't take the pace and fell off, catching my foot in the saddle stirrup, the horse was then dragging me, refusing to stop.

Thankfully the Manager at Tesco's came out and unplugged the machine . . . . he actually had the nerve to take the rest of my coins off me so that I wouldn't try to ride the elephant !

 

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Wife's Diary:

Tonight, I thought that my husband was acting weird after we'd made plans to meet at a nice restaurant for dinner.

I had been shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought that he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late,
but he made no comment about it.

Conversation wasn't flowing, so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk.
He agreed, but he didn't say much.

I asked him what was wrong; He said, "nothing."

I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said that he wasn't really upset, that it had nothing to do with me, and not to worry about it.

On the way home, I told him that I loved him.

He smiled slightly, and kept driving. I can't explain his behaviour.
I don't know why he didn't say, “I love you, too.”

When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore.
He just sat there quietly and watched TV, continuing to seem distant and absent.

Finally, with silence all around us, I decided to go to bed. About 15 minutes later, he came to bed, but I still felt that he was distracted, and his thoughts were somewhere else. He fell asleep and I cried. I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster.

Husband's Diary:

Who the **** loses at home to Blackburn !

 

Brilliant that.

 

I once visited a posh lady in Cleadon village to service her video recorder. The tape heads were manky, but once I’d cleaned them her rather expensive machine was preforming perfectly. "What caused that" she asked. "Probably just a dirty video" I replied. She went up to her teenage son and cracked him across the head and said "Don’t bring that filth here from university."

 

A man sees a sign outside a house - 'Talking Dog For Sale.' He rings the bell, the owner appears and tells him that the dog can be viewed in the back yard.
The man goes to the yard and sees a very nice looking Labrador Retriever sitting there. "Do you really talk?" he asks the dog. "Yes," the Labrador replies.
After recovering from the shock of hearing the dog talk, the man asks, "Tell me your story."
The Labrador looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I was sold to the SAS. In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one imagined that a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years, but the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew that I wasn't getting any younger, so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at Heathrow Airport to do some undercover security work, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded several medals."
"Then I got married, had a few puppies, and now I've just retired."
The man is amazed. He goes back into the house and asks the owner how much he wants for the dog.
"Ten quid" the owner says.
"£10 . . . . but your dog is absolutely amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheaply?"
"Because he's a lying bastard . . . . he's never been out of the back yard."