Off Topic Just for Mr RAWhite

Sorry, wee Jimmy, but . . . .

 

"I got fired today," I told my mate, "for downloading porn on the work computer and causing everything to crash."
"That's a bit harsh," he replied.
"They don't f*ck around at Air Traffic Control," I said.

 

For sale: 10 Used Condoms.
No weirdos.

 

A woman comes home and tells her husband, "Remember those headaches I've been having all these years? Well, they're gone."
"No more headaches?" the husband asks, "What happened?"
His wife replies, "Margie referred me to a hypnotist. He told me to stand in front of a mirror,stare at myself and repeat 3 times
I do not have a headache;
I do not have a headache,
I do not have a headache.'
It worked! The headaches are all gone."
"Well, that is wonderful," replies the husband.
His wife then says, "You know, you haven't been exactly a ball of fire in the bedroom these last few years. Why don't you go see the hypnotist and see if he can do anything for that?"
The husband agrees to try it.
Following his appointment, the husband comes home, rips off his clothes, picks up his wife and carries her into the bedroom.
He puts her on the bed and says, "Don't move, I'll be right back."
He goes into the bathroom and comes back a few minutes later and jumps into bed and makes passionate love to his wife like never before.
His wife says, "Boy, that was wonderful!"
The husband says, "Don't move! I will be right back."
He goes back into the bathroom, comes back and round two was even better than the first time.
The wife sits up and her head is spinning.
Her husband again says, "Don't move, I'll be right back."
With that, he goes back in the bathroom.
This time, his wife quietly follows him and there, in the bathroom, she sees him standing at the mirror and saying,
She's not my wife!
She's not my wife!
She's not my wife!"
His funeral service will be held on Saturday.

 

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I've been trying to break up with an Optician recently....it's really awkward.
Every time I tell her I can't see her anymore she moves an inch closer and says: "How about now?"

 

Of all the airports to try acting yersel

Experience: ‘I stopped a terrorist attack’
'He was doing these commando moves, but I grew up in Glasgow… I knew a wee forearm smash would sort it out'

https://www.google.com/amp/s/amp.th...ep/01/i-stopped-a-terrorist-attack-experience

Stephen Clarkson
Fri 1st September, 2017 09.00 EDT

 

well that’s the wife and I looking elsewhere then

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