Police called to the scene of a gruesome murder found a woman standing over the body of her battered husband. "What did you use as a weapon" asked the police. "His favourite golf club, a Callaway pitching wedge" "How many times did you hit him" " 6 or 7, but put me down for a 5". Reporter said to Tiger Woods "You really are an awesome player and i love the way you find your way round the course, how do you do it ?. "Easy" said Tiger "The holes are numbered".
Irish Historians beleive they they have found the head stone of the oldest man ever, he was 193 & called Miles from Dublin !
A building contractor wants some quotes to build 2 flats... The Irish builder quotes £500,000.... "How did you arrive at that figure?" asks the contractor.... " £200,000 labour, and £300,000 for materials. The Scottish builder quotes £600,000... £300,000 labour and £300,000 for materials. The Jewsh builder quotes £1 millon.... The contractor says "how did you arrive at that figure?" "Easy" says the Jewish builder " £250,000 for you, £250,000 for me.... and we will get the Irishman to do the job"
A young Jewish man excitedly tells his mother he's fallen in love and that he is going to get married. He says, "Just for fun, Ma, I'm going to bring over 3 women and you try and guess which one I'm going to marry." The mother agrees. The next day, he brings three beautiful women into the house and sits them down on the couch and they chat for a while. He then says, "Okay, Ma, guess which one I'm going to marry." She immediately replies, "The one on the right." "That's amazing, Ma. You're right. How did you know? The Jewish mother replies, "I don't like her."
Jacob was at home watching TV and eating peanuts. He'd toss one in the air, then catch it in his mouth. In the middle of catching one, his wife, Golda, asked him a question, and as he turned to answer her, the peanut fell into his ear. He tried and tried to dig it out but succeeded only in pushing it in deeper. His wife tried to help, but after hours of trying they became worried and decided to go to the Doctors. As they were ready to go out the door, their daughter came home with her new boy friend, Bernie. After being informed of the problem, Bernie said he could get the peanut out. The young man told the father to sit down, then shoved two fingers up the father's nose and told him to blow hard. When the father blew, the peanut flew out. The mother and daughter jumped and yelled for joy. The young man insisted that it was nothing and the daughter took him out to the kitchen for something to eat. Once he was gone the mother turned to the father and said, "That's wonderful - isn't he smart? What do you think he's going to be when he grows older?" The father replied, "From the smell of his fingers, our son-in-law!"
