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The joke thread - please add any good jokes you know

Discussion in 'General Chat' started by Ron, Feb 22, 2011.

  1. Ron

    Ron Well-Known Member Forum Moderator

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    One hot summer day a nun and a priest were making their way across the desert on a camel heading for another monastery. They were slap bang in the middle of the desert when suddenly the camel collapsed and died. It wasn't too long before they began to accept the thought that it was highly likely they would die there.

    Eventually the priest picked up the courage and said "Sister, I don't think we're going to make it out of here, so I was wondering if errrr, well um, fact is I have never seen a woman's breasts before. Do you think I could just have a look at yours?" She hesitated for a while before replying "Well no-one will ever know so I suppose it's OK." And with that she undid her habit to expose her breasts. This excited the priest and he stuttered "They are beautiful, may I fondle them?" The nun was also slightly aroused and gave her consent. After a while of fondling and kissing her breasts the nun became even more aroused and said to the priest, "Father, I have never seen a man's penis before, could you show me yours?" Not thinking about it for too long he produced his penis. "It's magnificent she said. May I fondle it?" "I suppose that would be OK" he said calmly, almost ejaculating on the spot. Before long she was stroking his penis with her long slender fingers. Penis throbbing like crazy, he looked into the nun's eyes and said hopefully "Do you know that by inserting my penis into your vagina I can create life"

    She looked back into his eyes and he could see the excited look of anticipation in her eyes as a big smile came over her face. "Really?" she said "What are we waiting for? Stick it in that camel and let's get the **** out of here."
     
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  2. EDGE

    EDGE Guest

    Sick **** <grr>
     
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  3. Otto Flayshow

    Otto Flayshow Well-Known Member

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    Q. How do you make 2 pounds of fat attractive?

    A. Stick a nipple on it.
     
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  4. Ron

    Ron Well-Known Member Forum Moderator

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    Can't believe someone on here has called me sick. I think I'd better keep away from here; it's a bad influence.
     
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  5. EDGE

    EDGE Guest

    White horse too?

    Racist bigot <grr>
     
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  6. Hash.

    Hash. pure daycent

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    Don died in a fire and his body was burned pretty badly.

    The morgue needed someone to identify the body, so they sent for his two best friends, Mick and Paddy.

    The three men had always done everything together...

    Mick arrived first, and when the mortician pulled back the sheet,

    Mick said, 'Begorrah, his face is burned up pretty bad. You better roll him over'

    The mortician rolled him over and Mick said, 'Nope, tisn't Don ..'

    The mortician thought this was rather strange.

    So he brought Paddy in to confirm the identity of the body.

    Paddy looked at the body and said, 'Jayzus, he's pretty well burnt up..

    Roll him over.'

    The mortician rolled him over and Paddy said, 'No, tisn't Don '

    The mortician asked, 'How can you tell?'

    Paddy said, 'Well, Don had two arseholes.'

    'What? He had two arseholes?' asked the mortician.

    'Sure, we never seen 'em, but everybody used to say:

    'There's Don with them two arseholes.'
     
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  7. John Smith

    John Smith Active Member

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    Similarities between cooking and ****ing:

    You do it at least once a day
    If your not careful you can get covered in your own sauce
    Really its a womans job
    Your nan does it best
     
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  8. Ron

    Ron Well-Known Member Forum Moderator

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    I also have bays and chestnuts Edge. That particular horse isn't actually mine. It's stabled with us and my daughter produced it to be champion Arab of Normandy. I don't have a black one.
     
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  9. Otto Flayshow

    Otto Flayshow Well-Known Member

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    The poor girl's vagina must be in tatters.
     
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  10. John Smith

    John Smith Active Member

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    Squiggler <laugh>

    Ron - Is that deliberate?
     
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  11. Ron

    Ron Well-Known Member Forum Moderator

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  12. EDGE

    EDGE Guest

    <laugh>

    Ron, how's the daughters singing career coming along?
     
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  13. PINKIE

    PINKIE Wurzel Gummidge

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    <laugh>
     
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  14. PINKIE

    PINKIE Wurzel Gummidge

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    Sign outside a Lionel Richie fan Arab butcher's reads:

    'Halal....is it meat your looking for?'
     
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  15. - SW6 -

    - SW6 - Well-Known Member

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    That last line says it all about you Smiff<laugh>
     
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  16. Ron

    Ron Well-Known Member Forum Moderator

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    Edge, she has a live radio interview (and possibly a performance) booked in April and a recording studio booked just before then. Unfortunately the Normandy Arab Festival is on the same dates and she really needs to be there with the Arab stallion (avatar) to defend his title and qualify for Champion of France. So she's taking a risk and trying to re-arrange the radio interview. Could be a lost opportunity; fingers crossed.
     
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  17. John Smith

    John Smith Active Member

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    I reckon that'll be kicking off then <ok>
     
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  18. Ron

    Ron Well-Known Member Forum Moderator

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  19. geitungur akureyrar

    geitungur akureyrar Well-Known Member

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    A man walked into a bar.
    "Did that hurt", asked his friend.
     
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  20. geitungur akureyrar

    geitungur akureyrar Well-Known Member

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    A woman in an exclusive department store is in the jewellery section and sees a fabulous bracelet. As she bends to look more closely she farts. Embarassed she stands quickly and looks about her to see if anybody noticed. Unhappily as she turns a young assistant is right behind.
    "I only bent to look at that beautiful bangle", she explains.
    "If its appearance causes you to fart madam", says the assistant, "you will **** yourself when you know the price."
     
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