I went to a fancy dress party in Birmingham where the theme was "spice" I went as a chilli, but everyone else turned up as astronauts
I was at my mate's Christmas party yesterday when he and his brother handed me a glass full of yellow, lukewarm liquid. "Drink it" they said, giggling. It was only when I smelt it that I realised how the bastards were trying to trick me . . . . it was Fosters.
"Travellers have been warned of delays and potentially hazardous conditions as Storm Gerrit sweeps across the country." WTF, do they get special announcements now in case they have to suspend tarmacing your drive
My wife and I were out for dinner celebrating our anniversary. "Who do you think I need to speak to about getting rid of this genital wart?" I said to her over a bowl of soup. "I didn't know you had one of those" she replied. "When did you discover that?" "My third spoonful. I thought it was a crouton"
My missus isn't speaking to me anymore, just because I didn't open the car door for her. Well, to be honest, I panicked and swam like f*ck to the surface.
