“I recall my first time with a condom, I was 15 or so. I went in to buy a packet of condoms at the pharmacy. There was this beautiful woman assistant behind the counter, and she could see that I was new at it. She handed me the package and asked if I knew how to wear one. I honestly answered, ‘No, this is my first time.’ So she unwrapped the package, took one out and slipped it over her thumb. She cautioned me to make sure it was on tight and secure. I apparently still looked confused. So, she looked all around the store to see if it was empty. It was empty. ‘Just a minute,’ she said, and walked to the door, and locked it. Taking my hand, she led me into the back room, unbuttoned her blouse and removed it. She unhooked her bra and laid it aside. ‘Do these excite you?’ She asked. Well, I was so dumb-struck that all I could do was nod my head. She then said it was time to slip the condom on. As I was slipping it on, she dropped her skirt, removed her panties and lay down on a desk. ‘Well, come on’, she said, ‘We don’t have much time.’ So I climbed on her. It was so wonderful, that unfortunately, I could no longer hold back and KAPOWWWWWWWW, I was done within a few moments. She looked at me with a bit of a frown. ‘Did you put that condom on?’ she asked. I said, ‘I sure did,’ and held up my thumb to show her. She fainted......
The recommended age for a Ouija board is 8. So you must be 21 to drink alcohol but only 8 to summon demons.
Let's have a moment of silence for those stuck in traffic on their way to the gym to ride stationary bikes.
We must all do our bit for the planet I’ve just unplugged a row of electric cars, that no one was using.
Two couples were playing poker one evening. John accidentally dropped some cards on the floor. When he bent down under the table to pick them up, he noticed Bill's wife Sue wasn't wearing any underwear under her dress: Shocked by this, John upon trying to sit back up again, hit his head on the table and emerged red-faced. Later, John went to the kitchen to get some refreshments. Bill's wife followed and asked. "Did you see anything that you liked under there?" Surprised by her boldness, John courageously admitted that, well indeed he did. She said. "Well, you can have it but it will cost you £500." After taking a minute or two to assess the financial and moral costs of this offer, John confirms that he is interested. She tells him that since her husband Bill works Friday afternoons and John doesn't, John should be at her house around 2 p.m. Friday afternoon. When Friday rolled around, John showed up at Bill's house at 2 p.m. sharp and after paying Sue the agreed sum of £500 they went to the bedroom and closed their transaction, as agreed. John quickly dressed and left. As usual, Bill came home from work at 6 p.m. and upon entering the house, asked his wife abruptly. "Did John come by the house this afternoon?" With a lump in her throat Sue answered. "Why yes, he did stop by for a few minutes this afternoon." Her heart nearly skipped a beat when her husband curtly asked. "And did he give you £500?" In terror she assumed that somehow he had found out and after mustering her best poker face, replied. "Well, yes, in fact he did give me £500." Bill, with a satisfied look on his face, surprised his wife by saying. "Good, I was hoping he did. John came by the office this morning and borrowed £500 from me. He promised me he'd stop by our house this afternoon on his way home and pay me back." Now THAT, my friends, is a poker player!
My Chinese friend just told me he had opened a crows shop. Speaking slowly I said: "You mean a *clothes* shop?" He said: "No, a crows shop. Come in and have a rook."
I was arguing with a bloke in the pub who said he was a big pop star in the 80's. I didn't believe him but he was adamant
Last night I had a terrible dream that I had to make a thousand pancakes. I was tossing and turning all night long!
Is it unfair to ask the Romans to re-invade Britain? Well someone needs to resurface the roads.......
I'm not saying my parents were tight growing up, but every December we became Jehovah's Witnesses for a month.
Just bought a Humpty Dumpty toy from Aldi and it’s brilliant. It comes with Aldi Kings horses and Aldi Kings men.
Why does my wife always wait till I'm at the other end of the house before asking me to "Merm frner mernferr brnerfer!"?
