Man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of his head. Doc says “I’ll give you some cream to put on it.” I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he couldn’t reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, “No, the steaks are too high.” My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in. A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, “Doctor, doctor, I can’t feel my legs!” The doctor replied, “I know you can’t, I’ve cut your arms off”. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can’t have your kayak and heat it. Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself. ‘Doc I can’t stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home’ “That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome. ‘Is it common?’ “It’s not unusual.” Guy goes into the doctor’s. “Doc, I’ve got a cricket ball stuck up my backside.” How’s that?” Don’t you start.” What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh. A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Clingfilm for shorts. The shrink says, “Well, I can clearly see you’re nuts.” So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me “Can you give me a lift?” I said “Sure, you look great, the world’s your oyster, go for it.” A man walked into the doctors, he said, “I’ve hurt my arm in several places” The doctor said, “Well don’t go there anymore” Ireland’s worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. Irish search and rescue workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night Heard the one about two aerials meeting on a roof, falling in love, and getting married? The ceremony was rubbish but the reception was brilliant My wife had a bad habit of biting her nails but I cured her. I hid her teeth.
Was up in Scotland for a wedding recently and we took the bus into town and everybody said thanks to the driver. When you live in the London area for any length of time you will see the difference in friendliness and politeness immediately you go away in any direction!
Absolutely, I went to the F1 at Silverstone and we were in the park and ride for three days and the amount of people getting off the bus and not saying thank you to the driver and it was a thankless job. My mother and father taught me that manners cost nothing and I’ve passed this into my kids and now the grandchildren.
Paddy arrives to work on a building site with an object under his arm. Mick says "What's that under your arm Paddy"? "It's a flask" Paddy replies. "What's a flask"? Mick enquires. Paddy explains it keeps hot things hot and cold things cold. Intrigued Mick says" What's in the flask at the moment"? To which Paddy answers " 2 mugs of coffee and an ice cream".
